Karin Alvtegen - Shadow

He saw Halina’s face, her lips parted, the tip of her tongue, her mouth closing around Axel’s swollen cock; the glint in her eyes, the way she moved her hips, the sound she made when he thrust inside her.

If that had happened he would have to kill him.

‘Take off your trousers.’

Axel stared at him.

‘What?’

‘Take off your trousers, I said!’

‘Are you crazy?’

‘You have a birthmark there somewhere, don’t you?’

Axel closed his eyes.

‘Halina described it to me to make me believe her. She even drew it on a piece of paper to convince me.’

During those last days. When all that remained was to hurt him.

‘Do you remember what I said there in the woodshed? That I would kill you if I found out you had lied?’

Nothing more needed to be said. He could read the truth in Axel’s face.

‘You fucking pig!’

‘It was only that one time in Västerås. I beg you to forgive me, Torgny. She said that you weren’t a couple, that you were just friends. If I’d known she was lying I would never have touched her.’

Axel stood up.

‘It didn’t mean a thing, Torgny. We drank too much, it just happened.’

It was after Västerås that everything had started going wrong. After Västerås that Halina’s illness returned. It had been the beginning of the end.

It didn’t mean a thing, Torgny.

He was breathing hard.

Afterwards, during all the years he was forced to relive over and over again what followed, he often thought that it was at this moment he had gone off the rails. When the truth about the betrayal punched a hole in his innermost being and evil was released.

‘It was only once, that was the only time, I swear.’

Just one wish.

‘What are you going to do now, Axel, with the truth about Shadow splashed across the arts pages all over the world? What hole are you going to crawl into then?’

He could hear his own voice, muffled and toneless, as if it were someone else’s. Something had taken possession of him. Something that had knotted his fists and fixed his gaze on the man who had ruined his life. The man who had taken Halina and the boy away from him.

Axel must have noticed the change. With a calmer expression he sat down and assumed the same pose as before the revelation. Hands clasped on the desktop, he stared at Torgny, with a new feeling of determination. His excuses had been in vain, and it was clear that he was now thinking of trying a new tactic.

‘I’m sorry to have to say this, but you give me no choice.’

He paused for a second before he went on.

‘You can’t prove a thing.’

‘What do I have to prove?’

‘What you claim about Shadow. ’

Torgny snorted.

‘So it’s not enough for you that I know? You can live with this as long as nobody else knows?’

‘What choice do you think I have?’

‘You fucking hypocrite.’

‘I’ve admitted that I made a mistake. What more do you want?’

‘I take it you’re going to persist in taking all the praise for her masterpiece?’

‘I was on the shortlist for the Nobel Prize long before Shadow . You know as well as I do that it wasn’t the only book that won me the prize, the award was based just as much on my other books.’

‘Your own books, you mean?’

‘As I said, you can’t prove a thing.’

Torgny didn’t move a muscle. He was thinking of Halina’s sense of inferiority after the degradation in Treblinka, which made her incapable of allowing herself to be loved. For the rest of his life he would be forced to watch Axel in the spotlight, cloaked in honour and fame, and know that the one who should have stood there was Halina. He would have to witness the obsequious flattery of the cultural establishment and watch Axel bow and scrape over the suffering that she had managed to transform into magnificent art.

The lie came as a matter of course, and he hadn’t even planned it. The same toneless voice came out of his mouth.

‘I have her notes at home. All the letters she received during her research. The rough draft, the whole outline. In her handwriting.’

That did the trick. But Torgny knew that Axel was right. There was no way to get to him. Nobody would believe Torgny without proof. Even if they did manage to find Halina. If what Axel said was true, perhaps she would even deny the truth and choose Axel once again. Like water off the back of a well-fattened goose the scandal would slide off him, and Torgny would be left to bear the shame of his tawdry accusation.

Torgny felt it glowing white-hot inside him. The desire to destroy Axel. To make him suffer the same pain he had caused. Nothing else was important. He was prepared to do anything to achieve it. If he couldn’t get at Axel’s body of work, then he’d have to destroy his life. The blackness was so powerful it scared him. He fumbled for something that might stop him, but everything had vanished in the darkness. And from a distant place he heard the voice which would set the diabolical plan in motion.

Where did it come from? He didn’t know.

‘If it’s my silence you want to buy, there is one way. It depends on what you’re willing to sacrifice.’

Axel sat quietly, waiting for him to continue.

‘There’s a saying: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.’

‘I don’t understand what you mean.’

‘You took my woman away from me.’

‘Torgny, it was one time , and I didn’t even know she was yours. Is that what this is all about? A single transgression?’

Tonelessly the voice droned on.

‘Once doesn’t matter, twice is a habit. Isn’t that what they say?’

Uncomprehending, Axel threw out his arms, and Torgny went on.

‘One time is enough for me too.’

‘I don’t understand. What is it you want?’

‘To be paid in kind.’

Axel’s frown testified to his confusion, until it was slowly erased.

‘Is it Alice you’re talking about?’ Axel snorted. ‘I don’t think she’s particularly interested, but be my guest and give it a try.’

‘I’m not talking about Alice.’

Axel’s smile disappeared.

Torgny’s body felt heavy, positioned between reason and will. He stood perfectly still and allowed the darkness to engulf him. The instant before taking the step towards his own ruin.

‘I’m talking about your daughter.’

Axel leapt up from his chair.

‘Have you lost your mind?’

To have the power to destroy. To have the power to ruin Axel’s life by whatever means he could.

‘It’s up to you. How much is your reputation worth?’

‘Annika has absolutely nothing to do with this, absolutely nothing. How can you even suggest something so…’ He was momentarily speechless. ‘What do you think of me anyway? Do you understand what you’re saying? It was Halina who seduced me, if that makes it any better. Why should my daughter be punished for something I did? She’s only fifteen years old! Fifteen! I believed a lot about you, Torgny, but this! How low are you prepared to sink?’

Torgny smiled.

‘That’s exactly what you have to ask yourself, Axel. How low are you prepared to sink? You’ve already gone pretty deep.’

Axel’s eyes narrowed to slits.

‘I can assure you that I wish I’d never used that manuscript, but I can’t undo what is done, no matter how much I may want to. Isn’t it revenge enough for you to know what an advantage you have over me, to live knowing that you might some day expose me? You know very well what would happen if… I can’t imagine that even you, Torgny, would wish such misfortune on me.’

If what was raging inside Torgny were visible on his face, it would have made Axel take back those final words.