Karin Alvtegen: Shame

The Bible felt heavy in her hand. Once again she let her thumb choose a page. He mustn’t let her down now, now that she had understood what she had to do but not how to proceed. She was asking for a lot, she knew that. He had already shown His great benevolence through the answers He had given her.

‘Only one more answer, Lord, then I shall never again ask You for anything. Just show me who it is You want me to save.’

She closed her eyes. For the last time she let her thumb glide along the closed pages of the Bible. If He did not answer now, then she wouldn’t try again. She turned to the page. With her eyes closed she let her index finger fall and then sat still, gathering her courage.

The fifty-second Psalm. He had not let her down.

In a sudden calm, everything fell into place.

There was only one Monika Lundvall in the telephone book.

Maj-Britt hung up the phone. With a strong grip on the Holy Scriptures she took a few deep breaths. She had done it, done as He instructed, and that should have made her feel reassured. And yet her heart was beating hard. Her finger was still wedged in between the covers, and she turned to the page to convince herself once more that she really had the right to do what she planned to do. Despite her promise she had asked Him another question. And He had given His consent. The page she turned to had the word ‘Yes’ five times and ‘No’ only twice.

Saba was sleeping soundly in her basket and Maj-Britt tried to take some comfort in the peaceful sound of the dog’s breathing. So many nights it had helped her to calm down. The knowledge that someone was there in the dark. Someone who needed her. Someone who would be there when she woke up and be glad to see her. Now the comforting breathing gave her a guilty conscience. Saba would be left behind to meet the same uncertain fate as she would. The only difference was that Saba didn’t have the awareness to be afraid.

There were five hours left until it would be nine o’clock. To try and sleep would be wasting time needlessly, and she could no longer afford to do that. She had been given a task that she had to carry out, and God had shown her the way. She knew that Monika would show up. That she wouldn’t dare do anything else. Once again Maj-Britt felt her heart palpitating wildly as she thought about what she was about to do.

A good deed.

She mustn’t forget that. That it was A Good Deed and nothing more. The threatening tone she had been forced to use to make Monika obey served a higher good! The Lord Himself had shown His approval. It was the two of them now, she and the Lord together. Using fear to prevail was a mighty instrument, but she was grateful at having to subjugate herself. All power was His, and for her all that remained was to prove herself worthy, show that she finally deserved to be chosen. Then perhaps He in His great wisdom would be merciful enough to forgive her.

For thirty years she had imagined death as a last avenue of escape. It had given her strength to know that she could always slip away if she couldn’t endure anymore. Having power over this option, she had sometimes toyed with the idea. But that was before, when death had been far out of sight and the choice was still hers. Before her body had secretly invited death in and granted it safe passage, slowly and inexorably to crush her advantage and finally rob her of all choice. Now that death was grinning in her face, it held nothing but burning horror.

Now the end has come upon you, and I will send My wrath against you; I will judge you according to your ways. Then you shall know that I am the LORD!

Maj-Britt Pettersson.

The mere name on the letter-box made her feel sick. But she was still safely sheltered, out of reach. She knew that the terror lay in wait out there, but it could not get to her. The tiny white pills had blocked all passages.

She put her finger on the doorbell and pressed it. She had parked the car on the other side of the building so Pernilla wouldn’t see it, and like the last time she was here she had gone in through the cellar entrance at the end of the building.

She heard someone inside and then the lock clicked open. She shuddered as she stepped across the threshold; she never would have thought she could be persuaded to return.

She kept her coat on but took off her boots. The fat dog came up and sniffed at her, but when she took no notice it turned and left. She cast a glance into the empty kitchen as she passed, wondering whether Ellinor was there too, but she didn’t seem to be. She continued towards the living room. For an instant she wasn’t sure whether she was approaching the living-room doorway or it was approaching her.

The monstrosity was sitting in the easy chair and motioned towards the sofa with one hand. A sweeping gesture that perhaps was meant to be welcoming.

‘It was nice of you to come. Please have a seat.’

Monika didn’t intend to stay long and remained standing in the doorway. Just get this over with so that she could leave.

‘What is it you want?’

The gigantic woman sat quite still and watched her with her penetrating gaze, apparently satisfied with the situation. Because she was smiling. For the first time, she smiled at Monika, and for some reason it felt even more disagreeable than her usual behaviour. Monika was uncomfortably aware of the woman’s superior position. The mere fact that she had agreed to come was a confession as good as a written affidavit. Her dazed brain tried to figure out what was actually happening, but she didn’t recognise her thoughts any longer. Ellinor and Maj-Britt and Åse and Pernilla. The names buzzed around and stumbled over each other but she could no longer figure out who knew what or why they knew it. And she didn’t even want to go near the thought of what would happen if everything was revealed and became public knowledge. But everything was going to be fine. She would just see to it that Pernilla met a new man and was happy again and they would continue to be friends and everyone would live happily ever after.

She had almost forgotten where she was when she heard the voice from the easy chair again.

‘I’m sorry I had to resort to such words to get you to come here, but as I said it’s important. It’s for your own good.’

She smiled again and Monika felt a little sick.

‘I asked you to come because I want to help you. It may not seem that way right now, but one day you will understand.’

‘What is it you want?’

The woman in the chair straightened her back and her eyes narrowed to slits.

‘ Your tongue devises destruction, like a sharp razor, working deceitfully. You love evil more than good, lying rather than speaking righteousness, you deceitful tongue .’

Monika squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again. It didn’t help. This was really happening.

‘What?’

‘ God shall likewise destroy you forever; He shall take you away, and pluck you out of your dwelling place, and uproot you from the land of the living .’

Monika swallowed. Everything was spinning. She leaned against the door jamb for support.

‘I’m only trying to save you. What’s the name of the widow, the one who lives across the way? The one you’re lying to?’

Monika didn’t answer. In less than a second the thought whirled away and she could only confirm what a fantastic invention Zopax was. It came to her rescue when all her other efforts to solve her problems failed.

The woman continued when she didn’t get an answer.

‘I don’t need her name. Because I know where she lives.’

‘I don’t understand what you have to do with any of this.’

‘I make no assumptions. But God does.’

The woman was insane. She kept on watching Monika, holding her there as if she were nailed to the spot. She clearly felt the woman’s eyes worming their way in, dodging her exhausted defences, and finally reaching her very core.