Karin Alvtegen: Shame

On the third day she sent him a text message.

‘Guilt feelings about Hugh becoming intolerable. Can’t stand the responsibility.’

Her phone rang a minute after she sent the message.

That same evening they had their first dinner together.

‘ Columba livia . Do you know what that is?’

He smiled and filled her glass.

‘No.’

‘That’s what carrier pigeons are called in Latin.’

‘Animals aren’t my strong point, but if you have some body part you’re not sure about, I’m sure I can help you.’

She could hear how it sounded the instant the words came out.

‘I mean, tell you what it’s called in Latin.’

She could feel herself blushing, and that was certainly something out of the ordinary for her. She could see that he noticed it too and that it put him at ease.

‘My grandfather had a pigeon roost when I was little; he kept carrier pigeons. I used to stay with him and Grandma in the summertime, and I was always allowed to help out in the pigeon roost. Feed them, let them out when they had flight training, band them, everything really. It was a whole little science in itself.’

He seemed to sink into pleasant memories, and she took a moment to study him. He really was a beautiful person.

‘When I say that Grandpa had a pigeon roost, I mean that he really lived for those birds. Grandma may not always have thought it was so great, but she let him keep them. You know how a carrier pigeon finds its way home?’

She shook her head.

‘They follow the magnetic fields.’

‘Oh really? I thought they navigated by the stars, I read that somewhere.’

‘Then how do they find their way in the daytime?’

‘Well… I haven’t stayed up nights thinking about it.’

The waiter cleared the table, and they assured him that the food had been delicious and that they didn’t want dessert but would like a cup of coffee. Monika had almost forgotten the pigeon lesson when he suddenly brought it up again.

‘Do you know why they always fly home and don’t fly off somewhere else?’

She shook her head.

‘Homesickness.’

He leaned forward.

‘They stay together for life, a pair of pigeons. They’re faithful to each other the whole time, so no matter where you let one of them loose, it will always fly back home. One of Grandpa’s pigeons had apparently flown into a high-tension wire, because its legs were gone when it returned, but it still came home, by God, home to its life partner.’

She pondered his story. ‘I almost wish I were a pigeon instead, at least if you ignore the part about the legs.’

He smiled.

‘I know. When I was little I used to think that when I grew up one day in some terribly distant future and met my wife, it would feel just like that, like a sort of magnetic field. That was how I would know I had chosen the right one.’

She brushed away some invisible crumbs from the tablecloth, because she felt like she wanted to ask but at the same time she didn’t for the life of her want to seem too pushy.

‘So was that how it was?’

‘What?’

She hesitated a bit, because she realised that she didn’t really want an answer. Then she fidgeted with her napkin a bit.

‘When you met your wife.’

He took a gulp of wine.

‘I don’t know.’

She could feel the disappointment in her stomach. The way it contracted when she realised that he was married. One of those cowards without a wedding ring. She never got involved with married men.

‘I felt the magnetic field, I really did. But the part about the wife is too soon to say.’

Another waiter interrupted the moment and asked if everything was all right. They both nodded without taking their eyes off each other, and he quickly withdrew.

‘So now you probably have a better understanding of my behaviour there on the platform. Since it was the first time I ever felt that magnetic field, I just had to do something about it.’

What a strange man she had met. On the way here she had been open to the possibility that they might spend the night together. As the evening went on she grew more and more doubtful. Not because she didn’t want to anymore, but because she felt that she wanted it too much. But when the matter was finally mentioned, it was his decision.

‘I don’t think I’ll ask you to come home with me tonight.’

She stood quite silent. They had stopped under the awning outside the restaurant to keep out of the rain.

‘This isn’t something I want to fritter away. It feels much too good for that.’

She had never met anyone like Thomas. They said good night and he promised to call her the next day, but his first message appeared on her phone after only eight minutes. That night the keypads on their mobiles grew hot with use, the art of communication reached unimaginable heights, and she found herself lying there smiling to herself in the dark when she read his ingenious messages. Inspired by the challenge, she did her best to come up with equally witty replies. By five a.m. she was forced to concede defeat.

‘Life and the night are approaching each other with haste. Never are dreams so close as now.’

She was finally speechless.

And he had gone up a notch or two.

And wait they did. In the time that followed they explored each other. Slowly but surely, inside and out. Two lonely people who were cautiously approaching their innermost hopes about everything they had always lacked, what they had always dreamed they would find someday in their lives. Each conversation was an adventure, each discovery a new opportunity to plumb the depths. She knew that she had never before entered that place where her feelings had now led her. Everything was enveloped in benevolence. Bit by bit she got to know him, and none of what he told her or confessed dampened her interest. On the contrary.

Step by step they came closer to the moment, and both of them were brave enough to admit that they were as nervous as teenagers, middle-aged though they were.

But, as usual with Thomas, everything fell into place quite naturally. One Sunday afternoon they just couldn’t hold out any longer.

And she realised that she was actually a virgin.

She had had sex many times. But she had never made love before.

The experience was revolutionary, overpowering, so far from her normal intellectual domain. To be completely and utterly dissolved and merge, not only with another body but in an absolute presence. For a brief time to be blessed with clear vision, to discern the simplicity in the immense mystery of the meaning of life. Overwhelmed by the desire to let down all defences, reveal her vulnerability, and in complete confidence put herself at his disposal, let happen whatever was going to happen. She had never been so close to her innermost core. Where there was no turmoil and no loneliness.

But when Monday came, fear had taken her over once more.

She didn’t communicate the whole day. When she listened to her voicemail after the last patient had gone, he had left three messages and sent four text messages. She should have been annoyed. If everything had been as usual, his interest would have been the death knell for their relationship. Instead she only grew more afraid. ‘You’re just being a coward’ didn’t help. Not even ‘Look at it as a challenge’. Her normal ways of tricking herself weren’t working, not this time; the challenge involved risks that were much too great. She was still scared out of her mind. If he dumped her she’d never survive, to have let him in so close and then end up abandoned. It was dangerous to make herself dependent on something that couldn’t be controlled. To reveal herself as profoundly as his intimacy demanded made her more vulnerable than she could bear.