Karin Alvtegen - Shame

Something different.

‘Okay, well, I’ll do as I’ve been told, like the obedient student I am, and skip all the formalities and such and get straight to the important stuff.’

Monika turned her head and stole a glance at him. Just over thirty. Jeans and a polo shirt. He looked around the circle as a means of greeting everyone, and for a second their eyes met. His whole being radiated self-confidence without being full of arrogance. Merely a healthy sense of self that made the others relax. But it didn’t help her.

He scratched the back of his neck for a moment.

‘For me it wasn’t a specific event I thought of, but a process that continued for several years. But I didn’t need to do this exercise to know that the most important moment in my life was when my wife took her first hesitant steps again.’

He paused, picked at something on the arm of his chair and cleared his throat.

‘It was a little more than five years ago now. We were quite advanced scuba divers in those days. Pernilla, that’s my wife, and I, were out with four friends diving in a shipwreck when the accident happened.’

It was evident that he had told this story many times. The words came loosely and easily and nothing was hard to admit.

‘There was nothing particularly special about that day, we had made dives like this hundreds of times before. I don’t know how many of you know anything about scuba diving, but for those who don’t know you always dive in pairs. Even if you’re in a group, you always have a buddy to watch out for during the dive.’

A man in a suit on the other side of the circle nodded, as if to show that he also knew about diving rules.

Mattias smiled and nodded back before he went on.

‘This time Pernilla was diving with another friend. My buddy and I had probably been down for three-quarters of an hour, and we were the first ones up. I remember that I took off my gear and that we talked a little about what we had seen down there, but by then too much time had passed and the only ones who hadn’t come up were Pernilla and Anna.’

Now something changed in his tone. Maybe a person could talk about a really difficult experience as many times as he liked without it getting any easier. Monika didn’t know. How would she know?

‘I hadn’t been at the surface long enough to go back down, and the others tried to stop me, you know how it is with nitrogen uptake and all that, but the hell with it, I decided to go down again. It was as if I sensed that something was wrong.’

He paused, took a deep breath, and smiled apologetically.

‘Please excuse me, I’ve told this many times but…’

Monika couldn’t see who was sitting to the right of him, but she could see a woman’s hand. The hand was placed over his in a gesture of sympathy and then vanished from view. Mattias showed with a nod that he appreciated the support and then continued.

‘Anyway, I met Anna halfway down and she was completely hysterical. Well, we couldn’t talk but we signed to each other and I understood that Pernilla was stuck somewhere in the wreck and her air had almost run out.’

Now the self-confidence came back into his voice. As if he really wanted to make everyone understand. And share his experience. He sounded almost eager when he continued.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared in my life, but what happened was so strange. Everything suddenly became crystal clear. I just had to go down and get her, that was it, there was no other thought.’

Monika swallowed.

‘I don’t know if it’s true that there is some kind of sixth sense that gets switched on in situations like this, but it was as if I could sense where she was. I found her straightaway inside the wreck.’

Now the words were flowing again. He waved his hands in the air to emphasise what he was saying.

‘She was unconscious, lying half-buried under a pile of debris that had fallen on top of her; I remember every detail as if I’d seen it in a movie.’

He shook his head as if he too found the whole thing inconceivable.

‘Anyway, I got her up to the surface, but after that all my memories are gone. I remember almost nothing; the others had to tell me what happened.’

He fell silent again. Monika pressed her nails harder into her palms.

Everything he had done that she hadn’t.

‘Her spine was injured when that wall collapsed on her. I was in the decompression chamber, so the first 24 hours I couldn’t be with her, and that was really unbearable.’

He picked at the arm of his chair again and this time the pause was longer. Nobody said a word. Everyone sat quietly, waiting for the rest of the story; letting him have all the time he needed. Then he raised his eyes from the arm-rest and his expression was sombre. Everyone understood how serious the accident had been, and what marks it had left on his life. When he went on, his tone was objective and matter-of-fact.

‘Well, I don’t want to talk all afternoon, but to cut a long story short, she fought for almost three years to learn to walk again. And if that wasn’t enough, it turned out that our insurance premium had arrived two days late, so the company refused to pay anything during her entire rehabilitation. But Pernilla was fantastic; I don’t understand how she had the guts. She worked like a dog during those years, and it was just so tough not to be able to do anything but stand by her side and give her encouragement.’

Then he looked around the circle and smiled again.

‘So, the day she took her first steps I can honestly say were the best in my whole life. Along with the day our daughter Daniella was born.’

It was utterly still. Mattias looked around and finally he was the one to break the respectful silence.

‘Well, that little episode was what I thought of.’

Spontaneous applause broke out, increased, and would not stop. The sound rose like a wall around Monika. The woman who led the course had sat down on an empty chair while he talked, but when the applause began to die down she stood up and turned to Mattias.

‘Thank you for an incredibly gripping and interesting story. I would just like to ask one question if that’s all right?’

Mattias shrugged amiably and said, ‘Yeah, of course.’

‘Now, afterwards, can you sum up what you feel about the whole thing in a few words?’

He only had to think for a couple of seconds.

‘Gratitude.’

The woman nodded and was about to say something else, but Mattias spoke first.

‘Actually, not just because Pernilla recovered, even though that may sound strange.’

He paused, formulating the right words to use to make it all comprehensible.

‘It’s a little hard to explain, but the other reason is actually quite selfish. I realised afterwards how grateful I am that I reacted the way I did and didn’t hesitate to go back down.’

The woman nodded.

‘You saved her life.’

He almost interrupted her.

‘Yes, I know, but it’s not just that. It’s being aware of how you would react in a crisis situation, because you have no idea before you’re in it – that’s something I really understood after the accident. What I mean is that I’m incredibly thankful that I reacted the way I did.’

He smiled a little, almost embarrassed, and looked down at his lap.

‘No doubt all of us dream about being that hero when it really counts.’

Monika felt the room closing in on her.

And any second now it would be her turn to speak.

She couldn’t move. She was sitting on a chair and she was thin, but for some reason she couldn’t move. A nauseating taste in her mouth. Something reminded her of the kitchen at home but she was surrounded by water with no horizon. There was the sound of footsteps coming closer, but she couldn’t tell from where. A single urge, to run, to escape the shame; but there was something wrong with her legs so she couldn’t move.