Кей Хупер - Whisper of Evil

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't say good-bye, TLA I didn't let you know I was all right. I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to come back in all the years since. But as long as my father was alive, I —"

"You didn't have to come back to let me know you were all right. You didn't even have to pick up a phone or mail a postcard." Max's voice was slow, deliberate. "All you had to do was let me in just long enough. What would it have cost you to open that door just for a minute, Nell?"

She pushed her chair back away from the table and left the room without a word.

Max followed her, not surprised when they ended up in what was arguably the most coldly formal room in the house, the living room. There were only a couple of lamps burning, so it was dim and cool and quiet. Nell stood as she had earlier that day before the dark fireplace and didn't seem to notice the missing family photo that had been on the mantel.

"Is it cold enough for a fire, do you think? No, never mind, it's so late anyway —"

"Not this time," Max said grimly. He grasped her shoulders and turned her to face him. "This time we'll finish it if it kills both of us."

"Max —"

"I want to know, Nell. I want to know why you chose to let me think you could be dead or starving somewhere rather than open yourself up to me."

"You knew I wasn't dead." She didn't try to escape his grip, just stood there looking at him with unreadable eyes.

He let out a laugh that was no more than a breath of sound. "Yeah. I knew that much. That was almost the worst of it, is almost the worst of it, this constant sense of you. In the quietest moments I can almost hear you breathe. Always there with me. And yet not. A flash of your mood, like quicksilver. A whisper of a thought. The flicker of a dream. Then you slip away from me again. Cool, distant, just out of reach — a part of me I can't even touch."

"I'm sorry."

"I used to think you were doing it deliberately, to punish me."

"Punish you for what?"

"For loving you. For getting too close. For doing whatever it was that drove you away."

"I never meant — I'm sorry."

He shook her briefly. "Stop saying that, dammit. You didn't know it would happen, did you? You didn't know that making love with me would cost you that little piece of yourself, would open a door you could never quite close again, at least not for good."

"No. I didn't know it would happen."

"And if you had known?"

"What do you want me to say? That I wouldn't have done it if I'd known? Even if somebody had told me, had warned me, I wouldn't have understood what it would mean. And I… probably wouldn't have cared even if I had understood. Not then. I loved you, Max. I wanted to belong to you. And I don't think it would have stopped me if I'd known it would be forever."

One of his hands lifted and touched her cheek. "Then why are you shutting me out now?"

"It's been twelve years."

"That isn't it. I want the truth, Nell. What is it you don't want me to know?"

"Max —"

"What is it you don't want me to see?"

"You're very quiet," Shelby noted as they approached downtown Silence. She was driving, since they were in her car, and Justin hadn't had a lot to say.

"Just thinking about the investigation. All the questions."

She glanced toward his shadowed face. "Sure it's not that you're still mad at me?"

He sighed. "I was never mad, Shelby. But this is a dangerous situation, and Nell had no business pulling you into it."

"She didn't pull. She asked if I was interested. And made sure I'd be with a cop, in case you forgot that."

"You can't be with me twenty-four hours a day until this thing is over."

"I can't?"

He glanced at her but said nothing.

"You're just tired," Shelby said. "Look, if it'll make you feel better about me being involved with this, why don't you stay at my place tonight? I have a very comfortable guest room."

After a long moment, Justin said, "I'm not that tired."

Shelby took the turn that would take them to her house and said calmly, "Well, the master bedroom is very nice too, if you'd prefer that. Though I will warn you that I sleep with the windows open even in winter."

Justin waited until the car turned into her driveway before saying, "If this is in the nature of an apology, you really don't have to go that far."

Unoffended, Shelby laughed. "No, I wouldn't do that. But if you don't like the woman doing the asking, just say so."

"I'm flattered."

"Are you?"

"And puzzled."

Shelby shut off the engine, turned to her passenger, and then leaned across the console to kiss him. A moment or two later, she drew back far enough to murmur, "Still puzzled?"

His arms tightened around her. "No."

"Good. Let's go inside."

"What is it, Nell? What is it you don't want me to see?"

"I've told you before." There was tension in every line of her body as she stared up at him. "You didn't believe me, but it's true. There's evil in my family a darkness more than bone deep. And it's in me too."

"You've never done an evil thing in your life."

"You can't be sure of that."

"Yes, I can." His hands tightened on her shoulders. "I can."

"I wake up from nightmares, Max, horrible dreams filled with blood and violence. Every night since I got home, but even before, even years ago. You know that. You've caught glimpses, haven't you?"

"They're just dreams, Nell. We all have them, even the dark and violent ones."

"No, not like these dreams. I know abnormal, believe me. I've seen it in the flesh more times than I like to remember. And one thing I'm sure of is that my dreams are coming straight from hell."

"So what? Nell, your life has been hell. Surviving this family, what happened in this house, then running away when you were no more than a kid, having to build a life for yourself all alone. Living with abilities you barely understood. And then becoming a cop investigating the worst sort of crimes, the most evil, vicious killers alive. Of course you have nightmares. Without that outlet, you'd probably have suffered a breakdown a long time ago. Or turned out like Hailey, so damaged by your father that a normal relationship isn't even possible."

"What makes you think it is?"

"Let's find out." Pulling her closer, he kissed her.

A part of Nell had expected it to be different this time, but it wasn't. Just like on that warm spring day twelve years before, the instant his mouth touched hers and his arms closed around her, all she was conscious of was an overwhelming sense of being exactly where she was supposed to be.

She belonged with Max. She always had.

It was like recognizing an elemental truth, knowing that. Even with all the years and distance between them, some part of her had always known she could never be whole without Max, and realizing it now gave her a feeling of certainty and freedom unlike anything she'd ever known before.

"I think it's very possible," Max said.

Nell couldn't say much of anything because he was kissing her again and she was kissing him and feeling things she hadn't felt, hadn't allowed herself to feel, since the last time he had held her like this. It all washed over her in a tide of emotions and sensations, and she nearly cried out because it was such simple, uncomplicated pleasure.

"Let me in, Nell."

"No… you'll see…"

"I want to see." He kissed her again and again, deep, drugging kisses so insistent that everything inside her demanded she give him whatever he needed from her. "I have to see."

Nell was never sure afterward if she would have protested again given a moment or two to think about it. Max didn't give her that moment or two. She felt him lift her up into his arms and carry her from the cool living room and up the stairs, conscious of a tiny shock that he could do that so easily and that she could enjoy it so much.