Gregg Hurwitz - The Program

Feeling encroaching drowsiness, Tim tuned out the drums and TD's voice. Biting his cheek, he let pain clear his head. Tom fell under the sway, letting his face and limbs go slack, but Tim remained vigilant inside him, calling forth an image of a locked safe and letting it expand until it blotted out sound and sensation. It was Tim's and Tim's alone, and no amount of prying at his senses would open it. He stayed with the safe for an hour, maybe two, aware of TD's voice only as a distant drone, the drums muffled like underwater reports. At one point, booted feet passed within inches of his face -Randall gliding through the dead-sprawled forms, a mortician taking roll. The feet paused – perhaps Tom's eyelids weren't flickering to code? – then finally moved on.

When at last Tim sensed the bodies around him pulling upward toward consciousness, he relinquished his hold on the safe and broke for the surface.

The drums faded, faded, stopped. Torsos rose. Arms stretched. Eyes blinked groggily. To Tim's left, Chad rubbed a knot out of Wendy's neck.

"In The Program, we defy inhibitions," TD said. "Inhibitions are lies implanted by society to hold you back. How many of you have ever been gripped with the urge to jump up on your school desk and scream? Or get up from your office chair and tell your boss to fuck off? Well, why haven't you done it? Worried what others will think? Worried about consequences? Denunciation? Ridicule? Shame? This retreat is your place free from all that. We are who we are, and we never apologize for it. The only thing we don't tolerate in The Program is fakeness. False behavior, intended to gratify. Intended to please others. To ingratiate."

"Who determines what's fake?" Wendy whispered to Chad.

"That's a great question. Hold on to it. It'll be answered soon." Eyes on the stage, Chad tapped his index finger against his lips.

"Take the hand of your Gro-Par," TD said. The Growth Hall rustled with torpid movement. Leah slipped her cool fingers into Tim's palm. "Release. Now kiss your Gro-Par. Feel the flesh of your Gro-Par beneath your lips. Feel how close you are."

Leah turned to him. The faintest traces of baby fat made her cheeks wide and firm, though her face was sculpted across the bridge of her nose, under her eyes, a band of womanly definition. Her hair shot in tufts around her neck, straight and layered. She closed her eyes lazily. Tim avoided the expectant lips and kissed her on the forehead – Tom Altman, man of scruples. Her eyes opened abruptly, more hurt than angry.

"Now turn to the person on your other side," TD said. "Kiss that person."

Tim and Wendy regarded each other awkwardly. They pressed cheeks like country-club matrons.

"Now with tongue," TD said.

The Pros engaged readily, as if returning to a well-loved game. Chad kissed the stubbled face beside him, his hands running through the other Pro's cropped hair.

"Deny your inhibitions. Repudiate your Old Programming. You're all consenting adults. You shake hands with people every day – hands touching hands. Who perpetrated the myth that touching tongues is somehow sacrosanct? Do you think you emerged out of the womb believing that? Come on."

Wendy shifted nervously, trying to locate her husband in the sea of undulating bodies, but the hall was too dim. She looked back at Tim, alarmed. Tom placed a hand on the back of her neck and drew her forward. He pressed his forehead to hers, which was slippery with sweat. Her damp skin brought out the floral scent of her perfume. Being this close to another woman made him feel peculiar and unsettled, which he imagined was precisely the point of the exercise. Clearly TD had a point about inhibitions.

"I don't want to do this," she whispered.

Tom nodded, relieved. They kept their faces pressed close.

A Pro in her thirties pressed her body up against a younger woman, her pelvis squirming on the woman's leg. Sounds of panting, deep-throated moans, rasping clothing.

"Stop," TD said. Activity instantly halted. Giggly and intoxicated, the Pros settled back into their places, the five flustered initiates following suit. Breathing hard, Jason Struthers cast an eye at his Gro-Par, whose attention was now devoted exclusively to TD.

A wave of levity radiated through the auditorium, the giddiness of relief.

"We're going to do an exercise called Stand Tall. It's played like this: Who likes the sunshine?"

The thunderous noise of sixty-eight Pros rising to their feet, Tim and Wendy following on a slight delay.

"Who likes the rain?" Stanley John called from the back.

About a third of the Pros sat. Wendy sat, but Tim and Leah stayed up. And so it progressed for about twenty minutes, TD, Stanley John, and Janie taking turns shouting out mindless questions as everyone tediously rose and sat like well-mannered camp kids.

Then Janie shouted, "Who's ever committed a crime?"

Tim stood, along with a good quarter of the room. All the ups and downs were making him light-headed. Heads swiveled as the Pros noted the movement of their peers. Stanley John, despite his projected mood of impulsiveness, scribbled notes on a pad.

"Who's had an abortion?" Janie cried out. "Come on – delete that shame."

Fifteen women stood, shifting uncomfortably on their feet. A few Pros nodded at them or yelled encouragement.

"Two abortions?"

All but six sat down.

"Three abortions?"

Only Wendy remained on her feet, her legs trembling. Janie was obviously working off previously acquired data, probably something dredged up in one of the colloquium's confessional drills. Rings of sweat stained Wendy's blouse at the armpits. Janie drew out the pause for maybe a full minute, leaving Wendy standing alone, enduring scrutiny from all sides. Finally Janie said, "Four abortions."

Wendy's hand flared out, searching for something, and Tim took it and helped ease her to the floor. "Don't let them judge you," he said. "Screw what they think." A surge of disquiet followed; he wasn't sure if the praise originated from Tom Altman or himself.

Stanley John again, standing proudly himself – "Who's masturbated in the shower?"

Rising. Sitting. Blushing. An anonymous giggle or two.

"Who's had an affair?" Janie yelled out.

Tim heard Wendy gasp. He followed her horrified stare across the room to where Don had risen. He was being love-bombed from all sides – from those standing and sitting – for having the strength to own his behavior. Beside him the redhead smiled enigmatically.

"Who's ever thought about killing someone?"

Tim joined a handful of others on their feet.

"Who's gone ahead and done it?" Stanley John sounded exhilarated by the possibility.

Tim found himself alone on his feet when Enya burst through the speakers, cutting the game short. He sat, rattled by his autoresponse, ignoring Leah's inquiring stare.

People were hugging and squeezing and rocking as if they'd just discovered sensation and movement and some new club drug. Pros exchanged soothing phrases with their Gro-Pars like vows of love. Chad clasped Wendy to his chest; she'd broken down weeping.

Leah gazed at Tim through sweaty bangs. "What did you do, Tom Altman?"

Tim moved with small groups or large contingents, but never alone. Leah stayed pasted to his side like an insecure date at a cocktail party. When he had to take a leak, a male Pro accompanied him to the bathroom door. When he got outside, he took a moment to breathe deeply and settle himself back into character. At a gathering under the dripping leaves of a pepper tree, Tom Altman eagerly denigrated his childhood, his parents, his lackluster marriage, his job, his riches, and everything else connected to his former life.

He, like the other initiates, was placed in his own group. After the Orae, Don had tried to maneuver his way over to his shell-shocked wife, but he'd been swept off by a tide of Pros. Tim hadn't seen the other recruits since. Any direction he looked, he saw three Pros beaming inanely at him. Isn't this fun? Ain't privacy deprivation grand? He let Tom get into the spirit of the game, reflecting the others' mock contentment until he felt it calcify into a perma-grin.