Dave Zeltserman - Bad Thoughts

“I don’t understand. I thought we knew already, that it was because of what happened to your mother-”

“No. It was because of him, and he’s dead now.” Shannon had left his glove on his right hand. His face tensed as he grabbed where his two fingers had once been. “It’s been almost a year,” he said, grimacing, “and I still get these damn phantom pains.”

“Are you okay?”

“Just a minute.” After a long ten-count the muscles along his jaw relaxed. He let go of his gloved hand and leaned back in his chair. “Jesus, that was a bad one. It felt like my fingers were still there and were being bent back to my wrist.”

There was a wetness around Susan’s eyes. “You don’t have to wear that glove for me.”

“That’s okay. I feel more comfortable with it on.” Shannon looked away from her. “I never told you this, but somehow he was able to get into my dreams. That’s how I knew where to find you that night.”

“I know. He told me.”

“Yeah, I guess he would. My blackouts probably started when he first learned how to do it. You see, he had a long range plan to destroy my sanity. I think what he really wanted to do was convince me I had multiple personalities and that he was one of them. He had all those years in prison to work on me, to leave whispers and doubts in my mind. Around the anniversary of my mother’s death he’d whisper a little louder and dig a little deeper. My body’s defense against him was to shut itself down. Alcohol would help at first, but only for a while. When his whispers would cut through the booze, I’d have to shut down completely. If I didn’t, I probably would’ve gone insane. So that’s what caused my blackouts.”

“You never remembered dreaming about him?”

“No. He didn’t want me to. While he was in prison he only wanted to weaken me. After he got out that changed.”

“Do you ever dream about him now?”

“Sometimes, but they’re only dreams. He doesn’t exist anymore.” Shannon paused before continuing. “I’ve been experimenting with some New Age-type stuff since I’ve been here. Along with meditation, I’ve been doing a lot of dream work. That’s where you try to be aware of every aspect of your dreams. I’ve been keeping a journal of them. Something else I’ve been trying to do is learn to leave my body. I guess you’d call it astral projection.”

Shannon looked away from Susan and focused his gaze towards the front window. “I know it can be done.”

“You’ve been able to leave your body?”

“It happened at the end with him. It also happened with his cousin and once with my father. All three times it was as if I was thrown out of my body. If it hadn’t happened, at least with him and his cousin, I probably wouldn’t have survived, the pain would’ve been too much for me.”

Shannon turned his gaze back to Susan and offered her a weak smile. “I’ve been trying to learn how to do it, but I haven’t had any luck. My teacher tells me it’s because I refuse to give up the notion that evil exists. The way he explains it is that if I believe that the universe is a potentially evil place then I won’t feel safe about entering it. I don’t know, though. It’s hard not to believe in evil, especially when you get as close to it as we have.”

“How would he explain Winters?”

“That his spirit was broken. Sounds like bullshit to me.”

“I have to agree with you. Bill, why do you want to leave your body so badly?”

“I guess it’s because of what he was able to do. If he could visit me and other people in their dreams, maybe I could do the same thing, or maybe even visit people in different dimensions. Maybe like my mother, or maybe Joe. I figure it’s worth the shot.”

“I took a one-day course in it myself.”

“Really?”

Susan nodded. “I saw it listed in a brochure and decided to try it. It was on a Saturday in Harvard Square. The instructor went over a bunch of exercises, which were really nothing but giving yourself suggestions before falling asleep. Is that what you try to do?”

“Yeah, basically.”

“My first night trying it, I sort of woke up, feeling as if I were spinning out of my body. Then I noticed I was hanging over the bed. I became afraid I was going to fall down and wake up the couple in the apartment below me. Next thing, I was awake and lying in the middle of the bed. I still don’t know if I really had an out-of-body experience or if I just dreamed it.”

“You had one. Jesus, I’m jealous. Your first time trying.”

“It was the only time it happened so far,” Susan said. She hesitated. “At first I didn’t know why I wanted to try it. It just seemed like something I needed to do. Later, I realized it was because I wanted to find Joe so I could apologize to him. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was about what happened to him.”

“Yeah, I guess we both want to do that.”

“But I have a good reason.” Susan’s face darkened. “He made me watch it. Halfway through, he offered to let me take Joe’s place. He told me if I asked him to skin me, instead, he would let Joe live. I just couldn’t do it… I just couldn’t…”

“He was just playing with you. He wanted you alive for when I showed up. No matter what you said he would’ve done the same things to Joe.”

The waitress brought the wine to the table. Shannon filled two glasses with it.

Susan dabbed her eyes with a napkin, then took a deep breath before looking up. “I’ve been wanting to ask you something.”

“Sure.”

“I thought you would’ve started seeing Elaine Horwitz after our marriage ended. I was surprised you didn’t.”

“Is that why you wanted the divorce?”

“I thought you wanted to be with her.”

Shannon shook his head slowly. “I’m not at a point where I could get involved with anyone. I know most of his victims are dead, and I know we were lucky to survive, but we were still victimized by him, and with me it went on for twenty years. What I need to do now is get healthy. I know I’ll never be completely whole; all I have to do is look at my hand to realize that, but I need to heal quite a bit more before I can sort out my feelings.”

Susan’s eyes seemed to soften as she met Shannon’s gaze. Neither of them spoke a word until the waitress came and delivered their pizza to their table. “You don’t think you could get involved with anyone now?”

Shannon thought about it for a long moment. “At least no one new,” he said.

She kept looking at him as she moved a slice of pizza onto her plate. “Are you working or anything?” she asked.

“You know I’m getting disability and that covers my expenses. I’m spending quite a bit of time with my meditation and the other things I told you about, but I’m also freelancing a couple of days a week for a small detective agency in Denver. I’m only taking assignments where I feel I can do some good. I kind of like it. Eventually, I’ll spend more time with it.”

Susan continued looking at him. As she took a bite of the pizza, she turned from him and stared straight at it. “This is damn good pizza,” she said.

“I told you the food’s good here.”

“This could be the best pizza I’ve ever had.”

“I was hoping you’d like it.”

“I do.” She paused. “I’ll tell you, I could really see living in a town with pizza this good. You think they need legal secretaries here?”

“I’d have to think so. At least in Denver.”

“You know, I think I’m getting sick of Cambridge.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“With the taxes-”

“And the traffic-”

“And it gets so humid during the summer.”

“It gets hot here,” Shannon said. “But it’s a dry heat.”