Dave Zeltserman - Killer

When I return back to Joey, he’s gotten himself a little more courage. Somehow he’s convinced himself I’m just trying to rip him off. I listen to what he says, then I make it bloody like I’m supposed to. I leave behind the evidence tying him to the bank jobs. Then I leave the van in a place where it can be found after an anonymous tip.

I had put on overalls so I could finish the job with Joey without getting any blood splatters. I take them off, also an old pair of sneakers, and bring them with me so I can incinerate them later. I’ve also brought a change of clothes. The ones I’m wearing are clean but they’ll be incinerated with the rest of the stuff. I know it’s crazy, some sort of a phobia I’ve picked up, but I just don’t want to risk my kids smelling death on me.

I slip on a pair of loafers that I brought along and I go to the YMCA so I can take a shower, change into my new clothes, and be clean for when I go home to Jenny and my two kids.

present

The next morning my cell phone rang again. I almost didn’t answer it assuming it was the same tough guy from before, but then looked at the caller ID and saw it was my son, Michael. At first I didn’t believe it, thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me.

“Michael?” I said, my voice cracking as I answered the phone.

“Yeah, it’s me. You called yesterday.” There was a pause, then, “I guess you’re out of prison.”

I laughed at that. I couldn’t help it. “Come on, you must’ve seen something about it on the news.”

“I don’t watch much TV or read the papers these days.

What do you want?”

“What do I want? Michael, I’m your father. Chrissakes, I haven’t seen or heard from you in over fourteen years.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” There was another long pause before he added, “After what you did you’re expecting some sort of father-son relationship? Are you out of your mind?”

His voice wasn’t angry or sarcastic, just tired. I felt tongue-tied for a long moment before stumbling out with, “Whatever I did, it doesn’t change that you’re my son.”

I’m sure it sounded as stupid and trite to him as it did to me. I sat cringing, waiting for his response. It seemed a long time before he answered me, and when he did his voice sounded like he was on the brink of exhaustion. Like it took every bit of strength he had to respond.

“Let me explain the obvious to you. You murdered twenty-eight people. For money. Whatever you were back then you were never my father. Fathers have real jobs, they’re not mob hit men. They’re not cold-blooded psychopaths. Do you have any idea what all that did to me? How many years of therapy I’ve gone through, and how fucked up I still am? And not just me, but Allie and Paul? And Mom, too. You don’t think that had anything to do with her developing cancer?”

He wasn’t telling me anything I hadn’t thought about for years. After hearing about Jenny, I read everything I could about liver cancer in the prison library and I knew some people believed stress played a large role in it.

I said, “I just want to see you.” I wanted to ask him for Paul’s address and number, but stopped myself, knowing that that request would lead to a quick hang-up. Instead, carefully choosing my words, I added, “I don’t want anything from you other than that. A half hour, Michael, that’s all I’m asking.”

“Yeah, well, you’re asking a hell of a lot. I spoke to Allie this morning. She doesn’t want you calling her again and leaving any more messages, so don’t.”

“Maybe Allie will change her mind someday.”

“She’s not changing her mind.”

I hesitated, my voice lowering almost to a whisper. “Michael, you’re my son. I love you. I just want to see you.”

He laughed at that, a tired, exhausted laugh. “Next thing you’re going to tell me is that’s what kept you surviving prison.”

I lied then and told him it was partly that. In truth, I wasn’t sure what it was that kept me going all those years. I knew it was self-preservation and anger that made me cut the deal in the first place. During those early years I was driven by wanting to see Jenny again, and to a lesser extent, wanting to walk out of prison as a big loud fuck-you to Lombard. After Jenny died and I no longer had any sort of life waiting for me on the outside, that fuck-you message I wanted to deliver stopped seeming all that important to me. I had to fight while inside prison to make it from day to day, but the thing was, I’d be damned if I knew why I bothered.

Michael took some time digesting what I told him. When he spoke again it was to tell me that I was lying, but there was a hint of doubt in his voice. “Don’t call me again,” he said. “Maybe I’ll call you back someday, I’m not sure, but don’t you ever fucking call me again.”

He hung up then. I felt jittery inside, but also a little hopeful. Before his call, I never thought I would hear his voice again, and it went about as well as I could’ve expected.

Christ, my head was hurting me. Like it was being cracked open like a walnut. I sat for a while with my head bowed, cradling it in both hands. When I could I straightened up and reached for the bottle of aspirin that I kept next to the bed. My hand shook as I spilled several tablets into it. I chewed them slowly without bothering to get any water. I knew they weren’t going to do much good. They never did much good.

Later that morning I was at a coffee shop trying to mind my own business while I ate a two dollar and fifty cent maple-banana-nut muffin and drank a three dollar cup of coffee – all of it costing more than a full breakfast at Lucinda’s diner would’ve cost – when I noticed a woman sitting a few tables over staring at me. She was in her thirties, thick dark hair, dark features, probably of Italian descent, and all I could think was that I was about to have a confrontation with another of my victims’ relatives.

I stared back. I didn’t care. Let her shout and scream all she wanted. She got up from her table and walked over to me. Up close her hair was all tangled, like a hornet’s nest. It looked like it hadn’t been combed in days, that it needed washing and, even more badly, some work at a salon. But as bad a hair day as she might’ve been having it didn’t hide that her features were striking, even given how skinny she was.

“I must’ve been staring,” she said, keeping her voice soft and low. When I didn’t say anything in response, she showed a trace of a shit-eating grin, and added, “I was there yesterday morning at the Blue Bell Diner when you and that fat guy gave us your two-man show. It was very entertaining. Do you mind if I join you?”

She waited a few seconds for me to answer her, and when I didn’t, she sat across from me anyway, her shit-eating grin stretching a fraction of an inch. I remembered her then from the diner. She’d been sitting at a table in the back and I caught a glimpse of her when I stood up to leave. If she hadn’t been so strikingly beautiful I wouldn’t have noticed her. But as beautiful as she was, she was also somewhat a mess, both with her hair and her clothing, and no makeup on. My first thought would’ve been that she was a drug addict, except her eyes were bright and clear, and her skin too healthy for that.

“Did you follow me here?” I asked, my voice cracking and coming out as a hoarse rumble.

She laughed at that. It was a nice throaty laugh. “Hardly,” she said. “Boy, are you one paranoid sonofabitch, but I guess given your situation I can’t blame you for that.” Her eyes glistened as she looked at me. “I was in here minding my own business when I recognized you from the other day. A coincidence, that’s all.”