Dave Zeltserman - Outsourced

Gordon was waiting in the parking lot, his belly pushing out of a worn tie-dye T-shirt, his shorts barely containing his body. He met Dan at the car.

“Hey, Dan, I thought I’d catch a few rays while waiting. So what do you want to do, eat at one of the picnic tables or go inside?”

“Why don’t we go inside?”

Gordon took the six-pack, and as they walked, Dan tried to act casually. He tapped his friend on the stomach. “Putting on a little weight there, huh, buddy?”

Gordon showed a sheepish smile. “Yeah, I need to get new clothes. My back’s been kind of iffy, my knees also, so I can’t really run any more. Without the exercise I’m gaining weight like crazy. I’m becoming a regular fatso. Have you heard from anyone?”

“Not really, but we’ll talk inside.”

As they walked Gordon asked about Shrini and other mutual friends, but Dan couldn’t keep his train of thought long enough to answer. When they got to Gordon’s apartment, a panic overtook him. At first he couldn’t breathe, almost as if a fist were squeezing his heart. He knew he was sweating profusely. The room started to tilt sideways on him. Somehow he made his way to a chair and collapsed on it, praying that he’d stay conscious and not pass out. Time seemed to skip ahead as he watched Gordon talking a mile a minute, the animated motion of his mouth disconnected from the noise that was coming from him, his voice becoming nothing more than a buzz running through Dan’s head.

Almost as if a switch had been thrown, a calm came over him. With a clarity of thought, he accepted that the robbery was going to happen. More than that he had somehow become at peace with the idea. The buzzing in his head was replaced by a coolness. The world seemed to slow down on him. He asked Gordon if he could use the bathroom.

“Uh, sure, but what do you think?”

“I don’t know. Ask me again when I get back.”

“Jeez, haven’t you even heard what I’ve been saying?”

Dan signaled with a hand for him to wait then walked slowly to the bathroom, his legs too rubbery to move at a normal pace. Inside, he turned the cold water on full and splashed it on his face for a full minute before looking up at the mirror. His skin was pale and clammy, with no color whatsoever in his lips. He was pretty sure he had only suffered a panic attack and that it had nothing to do with his heart. Still, he couldn’t keep from showing a sick grin as he thought about Gordon being so wrapped up in his own world that he hadn’t even noticed what must’ve looked like a full-blown heart attack.

The only towel in the bathroom appeared to have been rubbed with mud. Dan used his damp shirt to dry off his face. When he went back out to meet Gordon, three slices of pizza were gone and two empty Guinness bottles lay on the floor. Gordon finished off the slice he was working on and rubbed a hand across his face, leaving a streak of grease in its place.

“Jeez, Dan, I was telling you before about Elena. Remember a few months ago I flew her to Cancun? I got an email from her yesterday. She’s blowing me off for some guy in Oregon. I think she met him while we were in Cancun.”

“Gordon, I’m not in the mood to talk about this.”

“Well, excuse me, then.” Gordon leaned back in his chair, an indignant look pushing on to his face. “All I wanted was your opinion. After all, I just got dumped.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. Go ahead, what did you want to ask me?”

“Well, what do you think I should do?”

“I’m confused. I thought you’ve been telling me for the last couple of months you don’t even like her.”

“That’s not the point. I was the one to spend the money flying her from Moscow to Cancun, why should some guy from Oregon benefit from that? Besides, I wouldn’t quite say that I don’t like her. Her English is very good.”

“You spent a week with her in the same room and didn’t even sleep together. Didn’t you tell me she slept on the sofa every night?”

“That was only because I snore. And after I woke up that first morning and found her on the sofa, what was I going to do?”

“What are you trying to tell me, Gordon? That you’d like to marry her?”

“Well, no, but I paid for that trip. I mean, come on, how would you feel? That guy in Oregon should at least pay me back.”

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Well, you can see how I’d feel the way I do.” Gordon took a slice of the pizza, chewed it half-heartedly. “I’m thinking I should forget about Russian women. This month’s catalog has a very pretty twenty-eight-year-old from Saao Paulo. She’s a dental hygienist so she’s got to be somewhat educated. I could always arrange for us to meet in Rio, and then I could tell my parents we met while on vacation. The only problem is I’m not sure of her English.”

“Yeah, that could be a problem.”

“You’re being sarcastic now,” Gordon said, his hurt look reappearing. “But it is a problem. If her English isn’t good then people will be suspicious about how we met.”

Dan gave Gordon a hard look, trying to make up his mind. The guy was an oddball, no question about it, and he could understand Joel’s reluctance to have him involved. But on the other hand, there was no question he was bright and looked at things from a unique perspective and that could come in handy. And even though Gordon liked to talk, Dan couldn’t think of one thing of substance he had ever said. There were things locked away in that head that were never going to come out.

Dan said, “I’m robbing a bank. You want to join me?”

“Nah, I’d rather be a contestant on one of those other shows.”

“What?”

“You know, like Big Brother or Amazing Race. I tried watching Bank Job last night and it didn’t really do much for me.”

“Gordon, I’m talking about robbing a real bank.”

“Sure you are.”

“I’m serious.”

“Jeez, Dan, I couldn’t do something like that. What would my parents think if I was caught?”

“Gordon, I’m not joking. Shrini’s in on it.”

“Really?”

“So’s Joel.”

“No kidding?” Gordon pushed his chair back and started tapping his chin with his thumb. His eyes focused on a spot on the ceiling. “The weasel, huh?”

“That’s right.”

Gordon lowered his gaze to Dan’s face. His features had changed, becoming grimmer, harder, and it took Dan by surprise. He had never seen Gordon like that.

“You’re not pulling some weird joke on me?” Gordon asked.

Dan shook his head.

“Shrini and the Weasel. Wow. Well, guess what? You can count me in.”

“Do you want to know the details?”

“No, you know me. I’m not a big picture guy. All I want to know is my piece. Let me just focus on that.”

Dan nodded, fully expecting that answer, just as he had fully expected Gordon to go along with the robbery. He couldn’t help thinking how the line from that old Dylan song, There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke, fit Gordon perfectly.

“Instead of robbing a bank,” Gordon said slowly, his gaze moving away from Dan, “I’ve been thinking about something lately that would be easier and probably far more profitable. We could take one of Peyton’s kids.”

“Gordon, let’s pretend I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you do, you know, kidnapping, ransom. We could probably squeeze several million from Peyton.”

“You’re not serious.”

“Why not? If you’re going to propose robbing a bank, why not this instead? It would be a lot easier.”

“How in the world could it possibly work? Peyton’s kids know us. They’d identify us once we let them go.”

“Well, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”