Dave Zeltserman: Small crimes

I shook my head. They were quiet after that. Nobody said a word as my mother finished with the eggs and then spooned them onto three plates. We ate mostly in silence. I could tell there was something on my mom's mind. She couldn't hold it in any longer and made a remark about my dad mentioning that I had asked about Elaine and my two girls.

'I find it hard to believe that she cut you and Dad off completely from my kids,' I said.

'We can't blame her for that,' she said.

'Don't you want to see your grandchildren?'

'Of course I do,' my mom said. 'But I also want what's best for those girls. Elaine couldn't stay in Bradley after what you did, not with the abuse Melissa and Courtney were taking from the neighborhood kids. I'm sure Elaine has had a difficult time having to move to a new area and start over on her own. And she has had to support herself and those two girls for the last seven years without any help.'

'How do you know she hasn't had any help?'

'You're right, I don't know,' my mom said, her tone somewhat uneasy. 'Maybe she has had help. Maybe she's remarried. And Joey, that's all the more reason to leave her alone.'

'Don't you miss my girls?'

'Yes, I miss my granddaughters, but I understand why Elaine has done what she's done. And Joey, you should respect her wishes.'

'I don't know what you're talking about,' I said. I could feel a hot anger flushing my face. 'You don't think I love my girls? I'm thinking of seeing a lawyer about changing the custody order.'

'Why would you want to do that?' my mom asked.

'What the hell do you mean?'

'Don't swear at your mother!' my dad snapped.

'I want to know what she means. She doesn't think I care about my girls?'

'Be honest with yourself,' my mom said. 'You haven't seen them in over seven years, probably closer to eight. And Joey, you never had much to do with them before that. It would be best for the girls if you left them alone.'

I just sat there and stared at the two of them. Sat there and felt a hotness burning my face. I wanted to tell them to screw themselves, that I knew where Elaine was and they could go cry themselves a fucking river for all I cared.

'Joey,' my dad started to say, 'think what's best for Melissa and Courtney-'

I didn't hear the rest. I was too busy getting out of there.

Bradley to Albany, New York, was a three-hour drive. I decided what the hell, I'd find Elaine when I got there, and I headed off. It was Saturday and there was a good chance I'd find her and the girls at home. I'd still get back in time to visit Manny and satisfy myself that Dan was worrying about nothing.

As troubling as my sleep had been, my three-hour drive to Albany was the exact opposite. My mind just seemed to clear itself of all worry as I drove along and watched the countryside. After a half-hour I pulled over and put the top down. One of my few times outside of Bradley County had been a weekend trip to Albany with Elaine. It was several months before we had gotten married. I didn't really care much for the city, but I remembered Elaine liking the restaurants.

The three-hour drive went by fast. I had to change radio stations a few times along the way, but was able to find a decent classic rock station each time. I just sat back, listened to tunes, and enjoyed the ride. By the time I got there I was about as relaxed as I'd been in years.

It wasn't hard finding Elaine. I stopped off at the central police station, bringing a couple of cups of black coffee, and identified myself as a retired cop. I chewed the fat for a while with the desk sergeant, and by the time I got around to asking for an address for Elise Mathews he was feeling friendly enough towards me to drop everything to find it. He didn't even bother asking what I wanted it for. We shook hands and I was feeling pretty good by the time I left.

Elaine was living in half of a two-family house. The neighborhood looked kind of shabby and I got some curious glances from a few of the kids playing in the street. The house itself needed work. The wood flooring on the front porch was rotted – if I stomped down hard enough my foot would've gone through the boards. The house also needed to be repainted and some of the shutters were hanging half off. I tested the handrail and found that it was loose. I didn't like the fact that my kids were living in a dump like this. I should've felt angry about it, but as I stood there all I could feel was nervous, like butterflies were fluttering around in my stomach. I rang the buzzer and as I waited those damn butterflies flapped around like crazy, just about driving my heart into my throat. I have to admit, as much as I wanted to see my daughters I felt somewhat terrified at the thought of them being there. After several minutes Elaine opened the door. She stared at me blankly for a long ten count before she recognized me, or at least before she was willing to recognize me. From her expression I knew Melissa and Courtney weren't home.

'They let you out early, Joe.'

'Yeah, they did,' I admitted. 'The state of Vermont considers me reformed and ready to be a useful member of society again. You know what they say about fooling some of the people some of time.'

Elaine had dyed her hair a brownish red, and like me had lost the extra weight she had been carrying around her middle. Her body looked closer to what it was in high school. She didn't have any makeup on and she seemed tired, especially around the eyes, but she still looked better than she had in years. She seemed to be making up her mind about something.

'Everything's still a joke to you,' she said at last.

'Give me a break. I was only trying to break the ice. It's been a long time, Elaine.'

'How'd you find me?'

I made a face. 'It's not important. Come on, why don't you let me in?'

'No.' She was shaking her head. There was nothing in her eyes, though. No hate, no love, no feelings of any kind. Just blank and empty. "The girls aren't home now. They're playing with friends. But I don't want you in my house, Joe.'

'You're going to make me stand out here? I drove three hours to see you. Why don't we talk over a cup of coffee?'

'You're not coming into my house. If you try to I'll call the police and have you arrested.'

I could tell she was serious. I took a deep breath and held it in while I counted to three. 'How about I buy you a cup of coffee somewhere,' I suggested.

She gave me a long look before nodding her head. 'Only for fifteen minutes,' she said. 'I'll go grab my coat.'

'Could you bring some pictures of the girls?'

She disappeared back inside and when she came out again she was wearing a cheap threadbare cloth coat, something not even a Salvation Army store would sell. Other than her directing me to a coffee shop a few blocks away, neither of us said a word. When we got there we took a booth. I ordered a turkey club and a piece of apple pie and she stuck with only a cup of coffee.

'How have you and the girls been?' I asked.

'We've been fine. I've been working as a receptionist and going to school nights to become a paralegal. It's been a struggle, but we're all fine.'

'I'm sorry,' I said. "There was nothing I could do to help you. But at least I was able to leave you the house and our savings.'

She started laughing. It wasn't a malicious laugh, just something she couldn't control.

'What's so funny?'

'You didn't leave me anything, Joe. There was only twelve thousand in savings and I cleared less than six thousand when I sold the house. Afterwards a business associate of yours came by. His name was Manny something. He made me give him what I had. He promised me he'd hurt Melissa and Courtney if I didn't, and I believed him.'

For a long time I couldn't move. Just sat there frozen. "That dirty sonofabitch,' I swore. I made a deal with him. He wasn't supposed to go near you. I'm so sorry about that.'