Joe Lansdale - Bad Chili

I waited a while, drank a cup of coffee, and called back. She answered this time. She sounded tired.

“Hey,” I said. “It’s me, Hap.”

“I still remember you,” she said.

“Well, hell, Brett. Now that I got you, I don’t know why I’m calling. I know you’re tired-”

“Are you?”

“What’s that?”

“Tired?”

“Actually, yeah. I’ve had coffee, but it isn’t helping.”

“You came over, I know something might invigorate both of us. That is, unless you’re so tired you don’t think you can be invigorated.”

“That’s me pullin’ up in your drive now.”

Fast as I wanted to get there, I took time to go by Leonard’s. I figured he was sleeping, so I didn’t knock. I wrote him a note and stuck it in the screen door. I gave him Brett’s phone number, told him to call me after noon. I wrote that I was sorry. That we should talk. I signed it “Mom.”

When I got to Brett’s place she opened the door and let me in before I could knock. I stood just inside the doorway trying to get my breath. She was wearing a pair of brief red panties, some brand-new flip-flops, and a small dark mole like a chocolate drop on her right breast near the nipple. A very nice nipple, I might add.

“If you don’t mind,” she said, “I thought we’d call this a second date.”

“I’m easy,” I said.

“So am I,” she said. “And I got a whole box of rubbers on the nightstand to prove it.”

“That’s what I call hospitality.”

“Well, I am excited to see you,” she said, “but actually I had to rub ice on my nipples so they’d stand up like this.”

She took me by the hand, led me to the bedroom. We embraced and kissed. She started removing my clothes, and I helped her. We lay down on the bed together.

She said, “If you have a shoe fetish, I’ll leave the flip-flops on.”

I laughed and she flicked them off. I helped her out of the red panties. I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. I used my tongue to taste the chocolate-drop mole. Much better than chocolate, actually. We made love for an hour, then fell asleep to the sound of the rain.

When I awoke, Brett was leaning over me.

“I really enjoyed that,” she said. “I even came.”

“I hope you don’t mean in spite of me.”

She laughed. “No. I don’t mean in spite of you.”

“Me too,” I said.

“What?”

“I came too.”

She laughed. “Men always come.”

“Ejaculating is not the same as coming, in my book. It feels good, but when you really get off, you know the difference. It’s not just a release of pressure. It’s a special state of mind. You know, like when you switch channels on TV, and surprise, it’s your favorite movie just starting.”

“By God, Hap, you’re a goddamn philosopher.”

“I know it.”

“What’s your favorite movie, by the way?”

“You’re not going to ask me my astrological sign next, are you?”

“I don’t cotton to that shit. I’m interested in movies.”

“ Casablanca. And I like slow walks in the park and I’m going to be a brain surgeon and try and help all mankind.”

She laughed. “I like To Have and Have Not. That’s my favorite.”

“That’s my second favorite.”

“My second favorite is The Sound of Music.”

“I like Casablanca and To Have and Have Not.”

“That part where they sing the do-re-me song, or whatever it is. I love that.”

“I like Casablanca and To Have and Have Not.”

She slapped at me. “You don’t like The Sound of Music? It’s the greatest musical ever made! I bet you think it’s kind of sissy.”

“Yeah.”

“Hap Collins, I thought you were a sensitive man.”

“I am,” I said, and pointed my finger at my eye. “Press right here and it hurts. But The Sound of Music, I’d rather have my dick nailed to a burning building than have to sit through that shit again, and I don’t care if the popcorn is free and you’re giving me each bite with your vagina.”

“Vagina?”

“That’s a medical term for pussy, honey.”

“God, Hap, you’re almost a doctor… So you don’t like The Sound of Music?”

“No. Actually, I loathe it. But you like To Have and Have Not. That’s good.”

“I was always nuts about Bogart. I like Walter Brennan too. I like where he talks about being stung by a bee.”

“Me too. I like Lauren Bacall too.”

“You would.”

“Shouldn’t I? You kind of remind me of her, actually.”

“In what way?”

“You’re both women.”

“Asshole… You know what?”

“What?”

“What I want us to do is go in to the doctor and get checkups. Make sure there’s no AIDS stuff going on. I want to get past this rubber-on-the-dick stage real quick. I say we start our relationship with complete confidence.”

“You won’t take my word I haven’t got AIDS?” I said.

“I’ll take your word you don’t think you have it, and probably don’t, but you might not want to trust my word. I’ve been sexually active my whole life, Hap.”

“And all that practice has really paid off.”

“It’s not that I actually think I’ve been unsafe, but I want us to start with a clean slate.”

“All right,” I said. “It’s a deal. ’Course, as you know, I’ve just had a lot of blood work, so I think we can safely say I’m okay.”

“All right,” Brett said.

“You’ll look at my charts, won’t you?” I said. “Talk to the doctor?”

“Most likely.”

“All right,” I said. “One thing, though.”

“Shoot.”

“I’m old-fashioned in one way. Well, maybe lots of ways. But if this is a relationship, and not just a good time, I want it to be a relationship.”

“You mean I have to quit screwin’ the entire medical staff and the patients at the hospital?”

“Yep. And I’m giving up farm animals for you, baby.”

She snuggled in close. “Wow. Now that’s dedication of purpose. You know, there’s still several rubbers in the box.”

“I hate leaving a partial box, don’t you?”

“Absolutely,” Brett said.

“It’s so untidy.”

“Absolutely. By the way, Hap. Did I tell you that I used to be a man?”

I hit her with a pillow and she laughed and we made love again.

I guess it must have been around five o’clock when the phone rang and Brett stirred and got up and walked nude into the kitchen. After a moment she came back. “It’s for you, hon.”

“Thanks. I hope you don’t mind. I told a friend I’d be here.”

“Not at all,” she said. She was standing in the doorway, one leg cocked forward, showing me what I wanted to see. I got out of bed and went by her and she took hold of me and said, “I still got supplies in that box.”

I kissed her and she held me where I wanted her to hold me. I put my hand on her and said, “Did you shave it just for me, or do you keep it like that?”

“I shaved it just for you,” she said. “I thought it might be a little different. Besides, it keeps the lice out. You like it?”

“If you don’t know by now,” I said, “I don’t know what to tell you.”

After a moment I broke loose, went into the kitchen, practically having to walk around my dick. I picked up the phone.

“Yes?” I said.

“It’s me,” Leonard said, as if I were expecting someone else.

“I’m so glad,” I said.

“That lady I was talkin’ to? Is she the one?”

“She’s the one.”

“Good. I’m glad.”

“Did you call to congratulate me?”

“No, I called because your note said to call.”

“I was feeling very brotherly then. Right now I’m not so sure I want to waste my time with you. This woman, I think she could make me take a tire iron to Minnie Mouse.”