Joe Lansdale - Devil Red

The room grew suddenly bright.

Brett touched me and called my name, and then I saw her nose wrinkle up from the smell of me, and I wanted to say I was sorry, but it just wouldn’t come out. Then I climbed into my spaceship and stretched out on my bunk and buckled in and looked through the windshield at the stars and colorful planets moving closer. I was cruising through the great black star-studded forever that was space. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, vampires suck blood, and humans make war. Ducks have feathers, goats have hair, pigs have pink feet, and Davy Crockett killed a bear.

A big black planet swung in from the right, and I could see the planet had eyes. The planet moved closer and I could see the planet had a resemblance to Leonard. The planet Leonard had arrived, and the knowledge of that made me feel better.

I heard Brett say, “I found him like this. I checked his vitals. They seem okay. Maybe I should have called nine-one-one.”

“I got him,” Leonard said.

I wanted to say something back. I could hear them and I could understand their words, but what they said were like trains passing in the night. I could see their words go by, but no way they were gonna stop and let me ride.

I was pulled right out of my spaceship. I felt myself floating upward (antigravity, baby), and I could see Leonard’s face clearly, and he was looking right at me. Brett said, “I’ll call the doctor.”

“He don’t need no doctor,” Leonard said.

“But-”

“I got him. Open the bathroom door.”

Yeah. That would be nice. I need to go to the bathroom. Again.

And then I was sitting on the floor by the tub and Leonard was leaning over the tub running water. I finally turned my head. It was no more trouble than trying to screw a large bolt through the center of the earth.

“Throw this shit away,” Leonard said.

I saw Brett’s hands taking my old clothes.

I felt cold. And then I was lifted, and I felt wet. But it was a warm wet. I didn’t feel cold anymore. I was drifting comfortably through space, and the great black planet called Leonard was leaning over me in the tub.

“He going to be okay?” Brett said.

“Goddamn right he is.”

I closed my eyes, and as I drifted down into the wet warmth, I heard Brett say, “What… what is it? What’s wrong?”

“Life,” Leonard said.

When I opened my eyes I was still warm, but I wasn’t wet. I was warm because I was in bed with the covers pulled up to my chest. Leonard was sitting by my bedside reading one of my paperbacks. I said, “What are you doing here?”

“Well,” Leonard said. “I finish this book, I’m gonna steal everything you got while you’re lying there like a dumb ass. And then I’m gonna turn heterosexual and me and Brett are gonna run off together, but not until we sell your organs to science and burn the house down and collect the insurance money. I was thinking we might buy a pig to take with us, start a hog farm.”

“You need two pigs,” I said. “One male, one female.”

“Guess I hadn’t thought that through.” Leonard reached out and took my hand. “You back, brother?”

“Was I gone?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Brett? I remember seeing her, hearing her, but I couldn’t answer. Where is she?”

“Downstairs fixing me and her some breakfast. Want me to add you to the list?”

“That would be nice… But, what happened?”

“You had what some people call a nervous breakdown, and what I call a major fuckup by way of an easy chair and crapping your pants. You peed too. The world got hold of you and whipped your ass, Hap. But only for a round. You’re back now and pretty soon you’ll be off the stool and back in the fight. Though you may have to start with some tomato cans and work your way up to the contenders.”

“I’m glad Brett called you.”

“I’m not. I had to change your clothes and bathe you, wash the shit off, and then dry your ass with a towel, put you in your jammies, and carry you upstairs. I tell you now, boy, you got to lay off the pancakes if you want me carryin’ your fat ass up a flight of stairs. Let me have Brett fix you some eggs or somethin’.”

Leonard got up and walked toward the bedroom door.

I said, “Leonard.”

He paused, looked at me. “Yeah?”

“A man couldn’t ask for a better brother.”

“Hell, I know that.”

I was halfway through my scrambled eggs and bacon, sitting in bed with a tray, enjoying it, looking forward to my coffee, when suddenly I felt there was something I was trying to remember, something I wanted to say. It roamed around the alleys of my mind like a drunk trying to find where he’d dropped his car keys.

Brett was in bed with me, stretched out beside me, a pillow propped behind her head. She wore shorts and a sweatshirt. She smelled like perfume and fried foods. Leonard was in the chair next to the bed. He had been talking about things that didn’t matter, and it was exactly what I wanted to hear. Those things that didn’t matter were really good conversation right then. I knew Leonard thought I was bad off because he even asked me if I would tell a joke. He hates my jokes.

I didn’t have a joke. I was too weak to have a joke. I could see he was actually relieved, and so was Brett.

“Did Leonard tell you I wanted to put you down, but he insisted you were going to be all right? I was about to call the vet and have it done, and he showed up.”

“There was a moment there when I would have invited it.”

She pushed my hair off my forehead and kissed my cheek.

Right then I loved her more than I had ever loved her.

I was sipping on my coffee when I had a flash as clear as daylight. I said, “Bert’s dead.”

“Bert?” Brett said.

“Mini’s stepfather,” Leonard said.

“He’s dead,” I said.

“You just have a psychic vision or something?” Leonard asked.

I put my cup of coffee on the tray. “No,” I said. “I saw him dead. Last night.”

I told them what I had seen.

Leonard said, “Maybe you never left the chair. Maybe you thought you saw what you saw. You told me vampires were after you.”

“I did?”

“You did.”

“It all seems like a dream. I think I remember thinking I’d call the police, then Marvin, then you, Leonard.”

“Was I on the list?” Brett asked.

“You were next.”

“But you didn’t call,” Leonard said.

“I guess not.”

“It was a kind of trigger, Hap, you seeing Bert’s body, or thinking you did, or dreaming you did. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And in case you’re not following my cliche, you’re the camel.”

“You really think you saw a dead man?” Brett said. “Or are you screwed in the head, honey?”

“Sympathy like that,” Leonard said, “is why you’re a nurse.”

“I’m just sayin’,” Brett said.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I really don’t. I’d have a hard time trying to remember my shoe size right now. But it seemed real. I had this feeling that things weren’t right, and I went out there. He called, see, and I went to sleep, and I woke up feeling like it wasn’t right.”

“But you don’t know for a fact you went to see him?” Brett said.

I shook my head.

“You been kind of goofy lately,” Leonard said. “I saw this coming, but I wasn’t expecting it to be like this.”

“What were you expectin’?” I asked.

“It didn’t involve you shittin’ yourself while sittin’ in a big armchair,” Leonard said. “That much I can tell you.”

“Which, by the way,” Brett said, “I have disposed of the chair. I took it to the dump. You owe me a chair, Hap.”