Joe Lansdale - Freezer Burn

“Sunglasses in winter?”

“This ice is uncomfortable to look at, has a glare.”

“Yeah, all right. It does, don’t it?”

“You’re in the motor home, in the back. Frost will lead off. He likes to lead. I’ll be behind you. That stretch of road back there, by the bridge. You know which part I mean?”

“Yeah.”

“Before you get to the bridge there, there’s a gap, land slopes off toward the river.”

“I’m beginning to not like this.”

“Just listen. What did you do as you came up on the bridge there?”

“I slowed.”

“Why?”

“Because they’ve put in a bump there so you won’t go jettin’ across the bridge. I guess because it’s narrow. They want you to stop and consider, watch for cars.”

“Right. When he stops, you come out of the back and take him from behind.”

“I prefer taking you from behind.”

“Just shut up and listen. You put your arm around his throat, and you lock your hand in the crook of your other arm, and you use the arm that isn’t choking like a lever behind his head. Like this.”

She showed him.

“If you drop your elbow so it points out, you can choke the sides of his neck, cutting off the blood. He’ll go out, but it won’t strangle him. You start the motor home off the edge and into the water. Just ease it over there and go out the side door and I’ll be behind you in the cab. No one behind us will be able to see what’s going on, and I’ll ease forward and nudge the motor home into the river. You come crawling up like you’re exhausted.”

“They’ll see you nudge him.”

“I’ll stay back from you a ways, but when I see you’re getting near the stop, I’ll speed up, and soon as I see you go out the side there, I’ll put on the speed. I’ll be sure to be good and ahead of the others. All they’ll know is I lost control, Frost did too, I bumped him, and he went under. No one will be expecting murder. That choke hold will put him out, but he could come around from it, see. Only thing is, he won’t. The water will finish him. They look him over, they’re not really looking for anything. There’s no marks, you do it right. It’ll just be a sad drowning.”

“How do you know about a choke like that?”

“I’ve picked things up here and there. I had a boyfriend for a couple months was a judo instructor. They use that choke.”

“You sure no one will see me get out of the motor home?”

“Say they do. It won’t matter. It was going over the edge, you bailed out of fear.”

“So I got to look like a coward?”

“You thought Frost was coming right behind you, then I hit the motor home from behind and he didn’t have time.”

“But I’m supposed to be driving the Ice Man’s trailer. How do we explain that?”

“What’s to explain? We’re the only ones know about the switch-up. All we got to do is tell the cops you were sick and Frost and I invited you to lay down in the back, and I chose to drive the cab. I’ve driven every damn thing, have a license for it all, so nothing’s suspicious about that. They won’t think anything about me wearing sunglasses and a hat. That won’t mean anything to them other than it’s some kind of fashion statement.”

“I’m so sick, how do I manage to get from the back and out the front door?”

“Tell it different then. He asked you ride with him. He’d been thinking about giving you more responsibility with the carnival. He wanted to talk.”

They were nearing town now. The ice was more melted there. They drove over to the pizza parlor and went inside and made their order and sat at a table in the back on opposite sides sipping soft drinks through straws.

“And when he’s dead,” Bill said. “What then?”

“That’s easy. You and me, baby. And we got the Ice Man. You like the Ice Man, I can tell that for sure.”

“It’s interesting.”

“You’ll look better giving that talk than Frost. And me, I won’t have to deal with that hand anymore.”

When Bill paid for the pizza it cost much more than he expected, and all he got back of Frost’s money was a handful of silver.

It was very cold that night under the car, and the wrench was small and Bill had to hold the little flashlight in his teeth. He didn’t know if he should throw the wrench away afterwards or what, and he couldn’t figure out the brake line anyway. He was lying there freezing, the wrench in his hand, the light in his teeth, trying to remember how this stuff worked. He finally realized it wasn’t going to come to him.

A pale head poked itself under the car.

“What you doin’?”

It was Pete. He was bent down, looking under the car. It looked as if he were wearing his head upside down.

“Nothing. I’m working on the car.”

“What wrong with?”

“I don’t know.”

“How fix it?”

“I don’t know.”

Bill slid out from under the car on the other side. He could feel the dampness soaking through his jacket, into his back.

“I’m supposed to get blow job,” Pete said. He had risen up and was looking over the top of the car at Bill. He had on a thin coat.

“Yeah.”

“I like it blowed.”

“Good. Good for you.”

“You blow me?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then I blow you.”

“No. I don’t like it.”

“No?”

“No.”

Bill was uncertain what to do. He slipped the wrench in his coat pocket, held the flashlight and looked around. No one.

“I noticed the brakes weren’t working right today. I thought I’d check them.”

“You blow me?”

“I said no.”

Bill went around, poked the flashlight at Pete for a better look, saw he had a big blue knot on the side of his face. His dick was hanging out of his pants.

Apparently, Pete had already tried to get his blow job tonight, but, as was the custom, he had failed. Only he’d forgotten. Probably, tomorrow, he wouldn’t remember a thing about any of this. Then again, he might.

“I got to look under the hood,” Bill said.

Bill popped the hood and poked around in there. He opened the brake fluid box and saw that it was full. He fastened the box up and closed the hood. “Looks low on fluid to me. I think it’s leakin’.”

“I’m gonna git a blow job.”

“You ought to go in. It’s cold.”

“Yeah. I’m gonna git a blow job.”

“I don’t think so.”

“No.”

“You already had it.”

“Did?”

“Double Buckwheat. I seen you git it.”

“Did?”

“Yeah.”

“Frost not supposed to know.”

“I wouldn’t tell him. Who am I to come between a man and his blow job?”

“I had it?”

“Yeah. It’s too cold for me. I’m going in. I’ll see you, Pete.”

“Okay.”

As Bill walked to the Ice Man’s trailer, Pete said, “Did I like it?”

Bill turned. “What?” Then he put it together. “Oh. Yeah. You thought it was great.”

“Oh… Good.”

“Good night, Pete.”

Bill went inside the trailer. After a moment he looked out the window. Pete trudged across his view, and Bill went and opened the door and stuck his head around the corner. Pete was walking across the ground looking dejected. Bill watched until Pete came to the trailer he shared with assorted ill-shaped heads, and went inside.

Bill eased back in the trailer, got a tablespoon and a can of Coke out of his little refrigerator. Outside, he opened the Coke and poured its contents on the ground. He went out to the car, lifted the hood and with the flashlight in his teeth again, he used the spoon to dip fluid into the Coke can. He filled the can, taking out most of the fluid.

He gently closed the hood.