Brian Haig - PrivateSector

“Of course you do, Harold.”

Sensing the decorum needed to be brought up a notch, Cy said, “For the edification of the partners who haven’t been briefed on the altercation, Barry, describe what happened.”

So Barry cleared his throat, sat up a bit straighter, and explained, “The incident occurred three days ago, at the headquarters of Morris Networks. The audit was complete and I had gone over to supervise the final steps. I explained to Drummond the great importance of getting it to the Defense Department right away, asked him to sign it, and he told me we needed to talk. He led me to the men’s room, I thought for privacy. The second we entered, he shoved me against the wall, grabbed my… well, my testicles, and threatened to rip them off.”

Cy asked, “Unprovoked?”

“Well… yes. It was a complete surprise, Cy.”

When no further questions were raised, he continued, “He told me he wouldn’t sign unless the firm dropped all charges against him. I told him we wouldn’t be blackmailed. He told me how much he detested the firm. Harold, he called you a phony, pompous ass.” He looked at me and added, “These are his words, mind you-he said the partners of this firm are all limp-wristed assholes who lack the backbone to stand up to him.”

Cy looked at me. “True?”

“Parts of it.” For instance, it was true the partners were ass-holes.

“What parts aren’t true?” Cy asked.

Janet replied, “Are we done describing my client’s purported crimes and offenses?”

The partners all looked at one another. Cy replied, “I believe we are.”

Bronson informed Janet, “If you have something relevant and factual, we’ll hear you out.”

Janet acknowledged his patronizing tone with a smile. “Relevant?”

“You’re an attorney, young lady. You should know the definition.”

“If my client discovered a massive fraud involving your firm, would that be relevant?”

“No, it is not. I will not allow you to turn this into a circus.”

“Have it your way, then,” Janet replied. “I’m filing a civil suit in the morning for the vicious and unprovoked assault on my client by Barry Bosworth.”

“What?” Bronson exploded.

Janet said to me, “Please show these gentlemen your wounds.”

I obediently unbuttoned my shirt and pointed at a massive bruise on my left chest. It looked awful. In fact, it should look awful. I had invested a lot of time, trouble, and pain in the bathroom on the plane from Boston, using my shoe to reinforce and expand the mild bruise Barry had actually inflicted.

Janet explained, “These hideous wounds were inflicted by Mr. Bosworth in his attempt to coerce my client into signing a legally flawed audit.” Janet then said to me, “Explain the full extent of your injuries.”

It is axiomatic for lawyers to spice up a conversation with emotive adjectives and pronouns, and Janet had done her part, so I appeared appropriately distraught. “Barry ordered me into the men’s room. The moment we entered, he brutally shoved me against the wall, resulting in a severe concussion. He then assaulted me with his fists, inflicting these serious wounds. I now have short-term memory loss, blurred vision, difficulty breathing, severe whiplash, and mental trauma. I’ve developed a sleeping disorder, appetite problems, mental anguish, and self-esteem issues.”

They didn’t know whether to laugh or howl.

Janet added, “These injuries have been photographed, a doctor has examined my client, and we have statements from two renowned psychiatrists. Sean will require years of expensive therapy. His sterling military career is through, as is his ability to lead the happy, well-adjusted life he experienced before his employment here.”

Well, we hadn’t actually accomplished any of that on the plane ride down, but it is also axiomatic for lawyers to exaggerate, and indeed, they were all staring at Janet now, fully attentive, as she further explained, “Your firm placed my client in the grip of a sadistic bully, and Bosworth committed his heinous, unprovoked assault at the behest of your firm’s tawdry financial interests.” She allowed a moment for the shock to settle in. Then she said, “We’ll be asking for one hundred million in damages.”

“This is preposterous,” Bronson exploded, leaping out of his chair.

The two outside partners were shaking their heads and trying to make sense out of this circus. Cy’s eyes, though, were examining us-apparently, he was the only one in the room with enough sense to take this farce, and us, seriously.

He asked Janet, “You’re claiming Barry attacked Drummond?”

“No question about that.” She nodded in Barry’s direction. “It boils down to who had the motive. His partnership comes under review next month, and clearly relies on his ability to maintain Morris Networks as a client. Your firm is notorious for its treatment of associates. All that pressure… he simply snapped.”

Janet peered up at Bronson, who, incidentally, appeared livid, and she instructed him, “Sit down and act like an adult.”

Unaccustomed as he was to being talked down to, he huffed and puffed, while Cy tried to restore order, and Barry insisted, “Cy, Harold… it’s a travesty. I never touched him.”

Janet was handling this really well, and she sat patiently and waited for the noise and emotion to subside before she continued. She said, “Our case will obviously require us to expose the filthy scheme Bosworth was trying to keep hidden, a conspiracy involving a company named Grand Vistas that has been indulging in fraudulent activities with your client Morris Networks. We will show that Barry Bosworth put the scheme together, that he met with executives from Grand Vistas, that he arranged the appropriate contracts, that he and, by extension, the senior partners of this firm were knee-deep in bilking thousands of investors.”

Cy looked surprised and said, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Janet replied, “Morris Networks and Grand Vistas will necessarily be included as litigants. The assault occurred on the improperly policed premises of the former, to cover up the illegal activities of both litigants.”

Janet stood and I followed her lead. She stared down at the partners and warned, “When the Pentagon hears about this, Morris Networks’ contracts will in all likelihood be canceled. I suspect Mr. Morris’s response will be to start shopping around for a new law firm.”

Cy appeared frustrated and implored us, saying, “Please, sit down. Let’s talk this out.”

Barry yelled, “He’s lying!”

Bronson said, “Young lady, you’re a fool if you think you can blackmail this firm.”

Well, we’d gone as far as facts and suspicions would allow, and before we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, I announced, “We’ll be filing at 10:00 A.M. at the Arlington courthouse. Shortly thereafter, we’ll issue a press release to the Wall Street Journal and the New York Times. I’d advise you to contact your clients and warn them.”

The moment we stepped off the elevator and into the lower lobby, George Meany moved about a foot from me, shoved a finger in my face, and said, “Drummond, I’ve had enough of you and your shit.”

I was a little surprised to see him, and a lot pissed over his finger in my face. In fact, I was just reaching out to stuff the finger up George’s ass when Janet stepped between us and said, “Knock it off, George. If you’ve got something to say, say it to me.”

He leaned back, surprised. “This doesn’t concern you, Janet. It concerns me and Drummond.”

“If it’s between you two, it concerns me.”

“No, it doesn’t,” he insisted. But of course it did. Still, he paused briefly before confessing, “No, I don’t appreciate this asshole convincing you to fly down here and putting you at risk this way. But that’s not why I’m here.”