M McDonald - March Into Hell

The doctor leaned back, resting one elbow on the high desktop, his expression thoughtful. “What did he say?”

Jim felt like he might be treading on shaky ground and that maybe he was invading Mark’s privacy, but he also knew he had to tell the doctor. Mark's demeanor worried him that much. “Somehow, he feels like he’s partly to blame. Like if he would have done something differently or fought harder he could have prevented what happened.”

“That’s not too uncommon for victims of violence.”

Nodding, Jim added, “And more than that, he even said that he wished he would have died rather than be found like he was.”

Jessica sucked in a deep breath, and at the sound, Jim glanced at her. Her eyes were wide as she looked at him, seeking confirmation. “Are you sure, Jim?”

He gave a short nod and turned his attention to the doctor who sighed and crossed his arms. “The other day, Mark made a remark and I asked him if he’d like to speak to someone; a chaplain or a psychiatrist-someone like that. He declined, but I’ll suggest it again. Unless he’s a risk to himself or others, it’s the best I can do.”

Jim nodded. It was a start. He held out his hand. “I appreciate it, doc.”

Jenkins shook Jim’s hand, his expression grim. “He seems like a good guy who’s been dealt a bad hand lately.”

Jim and Jessica exchanged looks, and Jim turned to the doctor and said, “You don’t know the half of it."

Matthew Jenkins watched the two leave. He had a feeling that their concern for his patient was more than just professional. Over the last few days, Matthew had encountered many people who had asked questions about Mark; people who usually had a story to tell about how they knew his patient. Some of the tales were mundane, some funny, but a few were incredible. He couldn’t answer their inquiries due to confidentiality issues, but he felt the compassion and concern of the people and saw the outpouring of cards and well wishes sent to his patient.

Matthew circled behind the desk and grabbed Taylor’s chart, flipping it open to the progress notes. Though staring down at the form in the chart, his mind remained mired in the non-medical issues facing his patient. The problem was that Mark was isolated from this show of support.

First, he had been in ICU, and now, although in a regular room, security was tight. Only a select few people were allowed in to see him, otherwise, the hospital would have been overwhelmed with people. Even knowing they couldn’t get in, the crowd outside the front entrance hadn’t diminished. Instead, it seemed to grow larger each day. Crosses and candles had begun to dot the parkway and security had their hands full removing the items when they were left on the hospital grounds. Between over-seeing the crowd and watching the many entrances, Matthew had heard that the security department was stretched thin and had mandatory overtime shifts running. A Chicago police cruiser was a permanent fixture in front of the hospital, and more units patrolled the nearby streets. Matthew had never seen anything like it.

Shaking his head, he read through the surgeon’s note, glad to see that Taylor’s minor post-op infection had cleared up. Tests of Taylor’s kidney function had also come back within normal limits. The profound shock Mark had been in when he’d first arrived in the emergency room could have done permanent damage. Physically, the man was healing and Matthew would probably discharge him tomorrow. He hoped Taylor was ready to face the media.

Matthew snapped the chart closed, and strode to Mark’s room. He needed to have a real talk with the guy.

He found his patient picking listlessly at his meal. From the large quantity of food remaining on the tray, it didn’t appear he'd consumed very much. “You know, it works better if you actually eat it,” Matthew advised as he halted beside the bed. Looking down at the burger and limp fries, he had to concede that the food hardly looked appetizing.

Mark glanced up at him, before covering his plate with the domed lid. “Yeah, I had some company a little while ago and the food got cold.”

“Would you like to get another tray? I’m sure the nurse could call down for another one for you.”

Shaking his head, Mark said, “No, that’s okay. I’m not hungry.”

“Hmm…well, I was thinking about sending you home tomorrow, but if you don’t have an appetite, maybe we’ll need to keep you another day or so and investigate that.” Matthew was only half-bluffing. Mark had just been advanced to a general diet. He would have to eat some regular food before he left so that they would know he could tolerate it.

Mark’s eyes, wide with alarm, shot to his. “I have an appetite! Just…not right this minute.” He rubbed the heel of his hand against his forehead, and then let it drop. “Doc, you gotta let me out of here tomorrow.”

“What’s so important about tomorrow?”

Mark sighed. “I just…I feel like I need to go home. That once I’m there, I’ll be able to…” His voice had become quiet before trailing off, and his gaze shifted to the window, staring at the black rectangle.

“You’ll be able to forget what happened to you?”

Mark took a deep breath and swallowed before nodding. He kept his face averted.

Matthew looked around and pulled the nearest chair over and sat down. He leaned forward and touched Mark’s right arm, noting the slight flinch of the other man. “Listen, Mark. I really think you should talk to someone. Someone like a mental health professional who can help you deal with all of this.”

The ticking of the clock was loud in the room and Matthew began to wonder if Mark was going to ignore his suggestion when his patient finally leaned back against the bed. His head angled up as he focused on the ceiling, and Matthew was glad to see that the bruising on Mark’s neck was beginning to fade slightly.

“Okay.”

Mark’s voice was so quiet, Matthew almost missed the reply. “What?”

“I said okay. I’ll talk to someone.” There was a trace of bitterness to his tone, and he still focused on the ceiling where it met the far wall, avoiding Matthew's eyes.

“There’s nothing to feel ashamed about, Mark.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Mark finally looked at him. His eyes narrowed. “How would you or Jim know what it felt like to be dragged out of bed and be led around like a dog on a leash? Huh? How? Did you ever watch as someone pounded a nail through your hand, Doc? Well? Did you?”

Matthew stood and closed the door, bracing against it with one hand for a few seconds as he organized his thoughts. How could he answer those questions? Obviously, he had never been in that situation and now he felt ashamed of the advice he had given Mark. It was trite and sounded like a platitude. Feeling completely inadequate, he returned to his seat and gave a heavy sigh.

Mark’s face was a stony mask, and he stared straight ahead now, but his good hand clenched around a can of pop. The sound of the metal snapping as it slowly crumpled punctuated Mark’s harsh breathing.

“You’re right, Mark. I have no idea what you’re feeling now. I’m sorry for my comment.”

The can popped as it collapsed completely, and the remains of the drink bubbled out onto the table. Matthew worried about the wound on Mark's hand, but before he could warn him, Mark released the can and gave the table a shove.

His body sagged back and he flopped his forearm over his eyes. “Damn. I did it again.” Mark gave a choked laugh. “At this rate, I won’t have to worry about being embarrassed in front of anyone because there won’t be anyone who’ll want to be in the same room with me.” The arm fell back to the bed and Mark turned to Matthew. “I’m sorry, Doc.”