M McDonald - March Into Hell

“Believe it or not, I was in decent shape before…before…” Mark floundered, seeing something flicker in the other guy’s eyes. He’d seen similar looks flit across several other people’s faces. It was a look that said they were uncomfortable with the subject. Mark averted his gaze. That was okay; he wasn’t comfortable with it either.

Wayne stepped over to the computer in the corner of the room and began charting. Every few seconds, Mark would catch the man tossing a glance his way and Mark supposed he was commenting in the chart about how the session had gone.

Uncomfortable with the scrutiny, he looked out the window and his mind flashed back to the warehouse. The images springing up vividly, so strong, he could almost smell the fire, hear the chanting and feel the scratch of the spikes against his skin. His foot twitched. He stared through the glass, not seeing anything, his thoughts still mired in the past nightmare.

With an almost physical effort, Mark shoved the memories into a corner of his mind and took a deep breath. He searched for something else to focus on and spotted a man and dog across the street in a park. That was safe. He wondered what kind of dog it was. It looked like it might be part Lab, but the ears were wrong.

Whatever breed it was, it was definitely energetic and obviously enjoyed being outdoors as it raced around. Occasionally, the man would throw a stick for the animal to fetch. Mark smiled when one attempt at retrieving ended with the dog skidding through a pile of dirty snow and sliding on his side in a patch of mud. The dog scrambled to his feet and shook his fur. Even from his distance, Mark saw water and bits of mud fly in every direction. Then the dog, without missing a beat, found the stick and returned it to its master.

Sunlight flashed off something and Mark blinked at the glare. Several news trucks had pulled into the circle drive, and it was the sun’s reflection off of one of the satellite dishes mounted on top of one that had distracted him. A crowd of people hovered near the front entrance to the hospital so he rose up a little in the chair and squinted, wondering what was going on.

“Hey, Wayne, did something big happen?” Mark raised an eyebrow at the therapist and nodded at the crowd outside.

Wayne stepped over to the window and glanced out, then shot a look at Mark before looking down at his feet and clearing his throat. “Uh, no. They’re just here to find out stuff about…ah, about one of our patients.”

Mark took in the scene and then Wayne’s demeanor and the way he didn’t quite meet Mark’s eyes when he announced that he’d see Mark tomorrow for their next session.

That was when Mark knew. Until that moment, he'd hoped…prayed… that his experience hadn’t made the news. He clenched his jaw and swallowed, his focus dropping to his hands.

“Do you want to stay up in the chair awhile?” Wayne’s voice was bright. Too bright.

“Sure.” Whatever. It didn’t matter. Mark plucked at a loose piece of tape.

“All right then, well I guess we’re done for today. When I come back tomorrow, I’ll give you some exercises you can do with your hands to help strengthen them too.”

“Great. Thanks, Wayne.” Mark tried to force some cheer into his voice and failed miserably. He kept his head lowered, barely aware of when the therapist left the room. Did everyone in the world know? How was he ever going to face anyone again? What about his parents? Had anyone reached them? He couldn’t imagine how they would feel when they found out what had happened. Mark began to run his hand through his hair and realized that he couldn’t do that with the I.V. and bandage. He dropped his hand with a growl of frustration.

“Mark? Are you okay?” His day nurse appeared at his door.

He took a deep breath and lifted his head, pasting on a smile. “Yeah. I’m fine.” He couldn’t remember her name and the energy required to look over at the dry erase board to find out didn’t seem worth the effort. Her name tag was attached to her scrubs, but he couldn’t read it from this distance.

“Since you’re up, do you want to try taking a shower?”

That idea appealed to him and he sat a little straighter. He felt grungy and the thought of feeling clean, truly clean, sounded wonderful. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

“There, that should do it.” The nurse taped the plastic bag around Mark’s arm, protecting his IV site from water and then untied the back of the hospital gown. She had helped him into the bathroom and he sat on a plastic chair trying to act like he didn’t hate needing help to do something that he’d been doing alone since he was six years old.

“We can leave the bandages on your hands and feet and I’ll change them when you’re done. I left the shampoo and soap in the stall and I'll put some clean towels on the chair when you get up. If you feel dizzy or have any problems, use the pull string to call for help, understand?” She threw some extra tape in the trash. “And don’t forget to let me know when you’re done so I can re-connect your IV. You’re due for your antibiotic in a little while.”

Mark nodded. “Yeah, I will. Thanks.” He stood and waited a moment to get used to the pain in his feet. It was the bending of the foot that caused the most pain, so in an effort to minimize the discomfort, he shuffled, sliding one foot a few inches and following with the other foot.

The top of the shampoo was tricky to get off with only one hand, especially since that one was only partially working. His left arm hung at his side, useless for all intents and purposes. He’d caught a glimpse of the incision in the mirror and it wasn’t pretty. Still, it was a basic surgical incision and he hadn’t felt squeamish. The one on the left side of his abdomen was worse because every time he looked at it, he saw Kern’s face as he plunged the knife in.

Mark had trouble grasping with his right hand, and wondered how he was going to get the shampoo out of the bottle. Luckily, it was a very small bottle, not much bigger than a travel size and he finally managed to squeeze some onto his left palm. Then he dropped the bottle, unable to keep a grip on it. He swiped the stuff out of his left hand onto the other and did his best to soap up his head.

It was a good thing that this was a hospital and presumably had huge hot water tanks. This was going to take awhile. Hoping he’d at least semi-washed everything, he closed his eyes, letting the hot spray rinse him. The sharp needles of water felt good. Cleansing. In here, he didn’t smell the stink of antiseptic and other even less pleasant hospital odors. Just soap and shampoo. He could almost pretend he was home.

It was the first time he’d been alone since he’d gone to bed four nights ago. This was just what he needed, a few moments of privacy, moments to gather his thoughts and digest everything that had happened. Since waking up yesterday, he’d had doctors, nurses and, visitors parading in and out of his room in a constant stream.

Between the disruptions and the pain meds, he’d only briefly thought about the reason he was here in the first place. The grace period was over. The memories, the fear and horror he’d felt re-surfaced, bubbling up inside of him like a cauldron of boiling water.

Why? Why did it happen? Why him? Mark raised head, eyes closed. The water pelted his face and stung the abrasions on his neck. He swallowed hard in a futile attempt to suppress his feelings. He felt a wave of hot, intense anger sweep through him; anger at the things done to him and the aftermath that he’d have to deal with. Mark raised his hand, his fingers clenched in a loose fist. He wanted to hit something. Hard. But he couldn’t. The pain and bandages stopped him and he leaned his forehead against the wall. He was completely helpless. Like he’d felt in the warehouse. He hung his head and couldn’t stop the sob of pure frustration as it burst from within him. What if he had fought a little harder? Could he have done something differently?