S. Watson: Before I Go to Sleep: A Novel

‘But—’

‘Chrissy. You think Adam doesn’t visit. But I can’t believe that. Maybe he does come, when he can.’

I fell silent. Nothing made sense. Yet she was right. I have only been keeping my journal for a couple of weeks. Before that, anything could have happened.

‘I need to see him,’ I said. ‘I want to see him. Do you think that can be arranged?’

‘I don’t see why not. But if Ben is really telling you that he’s dead then we ought to speak to him first.’

Of course, I thought. But what will he say? He thinks that I still believe his lies.

‘He’ll be here soon,’ I said. ‘Will you still come over? Will you help me to sort this out?’

‘Of course,’ she said. ‘Of course. I don’t know what’s going on. But we’ll talk to Ben. I promise. I’ll come now.’

‘Now? Right now?’

‘Yes. I’m worried, Chrissy. Something’s not right.’

Her tone bothered me, but at the same time I felt relieved, and excited at the thought that I might soon be able to meet my son. I wanted to see him, to see his photograph, right away. I remembered that we had hardly any, and those we did have were locked away. A thought began to form.

‘Claire,’ I said, ‘did we have a fire?’

She sounded confused. ‘A fire?’

‘Yes. We have hardly any photographs of Adam. And almost none of our wedding. Ben said we lost them in a fire.’

‘A fire?’ she said. ‘What fire?’

‘Ben said there was a fire in our old home. We lost lots of things.’

‘When?’

‘I don’t know. Years ago.’

‘And you have no photographs of Adam?’

I felt myself getting annoyed. ‘We have some. But not many. Hardly any of him other than when he was a baby. A toddler. And none of holidays, not even our honeymoon. None of Christmases. Nothing like that.’

‘Chrissy,’ she said. Her voice was quiet, measured. I thought I detected something in it, some new emotion. Fear. ‘Describe Ben to me.’

‘What?’

‘Describe him to me. Ben. What does he look like?’

‘What about the fire?’ I said. ‘Tell me about that.’

‘There was no fire,’ she said.

‘But I wrote down that I remembered it,’ I said. ‘A chip pan. The phone rang …’

‘You must have been imagining it,’ she said.

‘But—’

I sensed her anxiety. ‘Chrissy! There was no fire. Not years ago. Ben would have told me. Now, describe Ben. What does he look like? Is he tall?’

‘Not particularly.’

‘Black hair?’

My mind went blank. ‘Yes. No. I don’t know. He’s beginning to go grey. He has a paunch, I think. Maybe not.’ I stood up. ‘I need to see his photograph.’

I went back upstairs. They were there, pinned around the mirror. Me and my husband. Happy. Together.

‘His hair looks kind of brown,’ I said. I heard a car pull up outside the house.

‘You’re sure?’

‘Yes,’ I said. The engine was switched off, the door slammed. A loud beep. I lowered my voice. ‘I think Ben’s home.’

‘Shit,’ said Claire. ‘Quick. Does he have a scar?’

‘A scar?’ I said. ‘Where?’

‘On his face, Chrissy. A scar, across one cheek. He had an accident. Rock climbing.’

I scanned the photographs, choosing the one of me and my husband sitting at a breakfast table in our dressing gowns. In it he was smiling happily and, apart from a hint of stubble, his cheeks were unblemished. Fear rushed to hit me.

I heard the front door open. A voice. ‘Christine! Darling! I’m home!’

‘No,’ I said. ‘No, he doesn’t.’

A sound. Somewhere between a gasp and a sigh.

‘The man you’re living with,’ Claire said. ‘I don’t know who it is. But it’s not Ben.’

Terror hits. I hear the toilet flush, but can do nothing but read on.

I don’t know what happened then. I can’t piece it together. Claire began talking, almost shouting. ‘Fuck!’ she said, over and over. My mind was spinning with panic. I heard the front door shut, the click of the lock.

‘I’m in the bathroom,’ I shouted to the man I had thought was my husband. My voice sounded cracked. Desperate. ‘I’ll be down in a minute.’

‘I’ll come round,’ said Claire. ‘I’m getting you out of there.’

‘Everything OK, darling?’ shouted the man who is not Ben. I heard his footsteps on the stairs and realized I had not locked the bathroom door. I lowered my voice.

‘He’s here,’ I said. ‘Come tomorrow. While he’s at work. I’ll pack my things. I’ll call you.’

‘Shit,’ she said. ‘OK. But write in your journal. Write in it as soon as you can. Don’t forget.’

I thought of my journal, hidden in the wardrobe. I must stay calm, I thought. I must pretend nothing is wrong, at least until I can get to it and write down the danger I am in.

‘Help me,’ I said. ‘Help me.’

I ended the call as he pushed open the bathroom door.

It ends there. Frantic, I fan through the last few pages, but they are blank, scored only with their faint blue lines. Waiting for the rest of my story. But there is no more. Ben had found the journal, removed the pages, and Claire had not come for me. When Dr Nash collected the journal — on Tuesday 27th, it must have been — I had not known anything was wrong.

In a single rush I see it all, realize why the board in the kitchen so disturbed me. The handwriting. Its neat, even capitals looked totally different from the scrawl of the letter Claire had given me. Somewhere, deep down, I had known then that they were not written by the same person.

I look up. Ben, or the man pretending to be Ben, has come out of the shower. He is standing in the doorway, dressed as he was before, looking at me. I don’t know how long he has been there, watching me read. His eyes hold nothing more than a sort of vacancy, as if he is barely interested in what he is seeing, as if it doesn’t concern him.

I hear myself gasp. I drop the papers. Unbound, they slide on to the floor.

‘You!’ I say. ‘Who are you?’ He says nothing. He is looking at the papers in front of me. ‘Answer me!’ I say. My voice has an authority to it, but one that I do not feel.

My mind reels as I try to work out who he could be. Someone from Waring House, perhaps. A patient? Nothing makes any sense. I feel the stirrings of panic as another thought begins to form and then vanishes.

He looks up at me then. ‘I’m Ben,’ he says. He speaks slowly, as if trying to make me understand the obvious. ‘Ben. Your husband.’

I move back along the floor, away from him, as I fight to remember what I have read, what I know.

‘No,’ I say, and then again, louder. ‘No!’

He moves forward. ‘I am, Christine. You know I am.’

Fear takes me. Terror. It lifts me up, holds me suspended, and then slams me back into its own horror. Claire’s words come back to me. But it’s not Ben . A strange thing happens then. I realize I am not remembering reading about her saying those words, I am remembering the incident itself. I can remember the panic in her voice, the way she said fuck before telling me what she’d realized, and repeated the words It’s not Ben .

I am remembering.

‘You’re not,’ I say. ‘You’re not Ben. Claire told me! Who are you?’

‘Remember the pictures though, Christine? The ones from around the bathroom mirror? Look, I brought them to show you.’

He takes a step towards me, and then reaches for his bag on the floor beside the bed. He picks out a few curled photographs. ‘Look!’ he says, and when I shake my head he takes the first one and, glancing at it, holds it up to me.