Tod Goldberg - The Bad Beat

“Apparently,” he said. “The messenger who arrives will have your information as well. When the money is made available to you from Mr. Drubich, you will contact me and your brother will be safe and all will be fine in the world.”

“And who is going to let the government know that Yuri has top-secret documents?”

“Do you think I am really a manservant?”

“I guess I did,” I said. “But I’m going to guess now that you’re some kind of super assassin and also some kind of genius-would that be correct?”

“I think Mr. McGregor overestimated you,” he said.

“Wouldn’t be the first,” I said. “Are you the eyelid guy or was that someone else, just so I know who I’m actually dealing with here.”

“My contact information will be enclosed with the documents you will be receiving. Call me when you are ready to transfer the money.”

“And what do I call you? Monty? Steven? Agent Zero?”

“Agent Zero sounds fine,” he said and hung up.

I scrolled through the phone to see if the call had come from any specific number, but it came up blocked, naturally. I’d need to confirm that Big Lumpy was dead, but my sense was that he wouldn’t go to such lengths just to complicate things.

“That didn’t sound like a great conversation,” Sam said.

“Big Lumpy is dead,” I said.

“I got that,” Sam said. I filled him in on the rest of the information Monty/Steven/Agent Zero gave me and let him digest it all. “Anything else?” he asked finally.

“I think Sugar is bugged,” I said.

“We need to give him a full pelvic?”

“I hope not,” I said. “I’m going to guess it’s either in his earrings or his watch.”

“His watch is the size of a hubcap,” Sam said.

“That’s where we’ll look first, then. Save the pelvic for later, in case he resists.”

Sam nodded. It was nice outside. A pleasant breeze. The palm trees were free of rats. The sky wasn’t smoggy. I couldn’t smell my mother’s cigarette smoke. I could probably get into my car and drive to the Keys and come back in a week and all of these problems would be gone, one way or the other.

“This might be a good time for me to say, again, that I apologize for getting us into this mess,” Sam said.

“How much do you know about wind technology?” I asked.

“I once had to go out to the Marine base in Twentynine Palms, outside Palm Springs and I saw that big wind farm they’ve got out there. Sort of creeped me out. Windmills look dangerous.”

“Apart from that?”

“Apart from that, not much.”

“Well,” I said, “when the messenger arrives with the information Big Lumpy came up with for us to deliver to Yuri Drubich, I suggest you spend some time getting acclimated to the nuances of all things involving wind technology.”

“So… ”

“Yes,” I said. “You’re now Big Lumpy. You have any all-white outfits?”

“Not since Miami Vice,” he said.

The front door opened and Sugar stepped out. “Your moms wanted me to come out and check on you,” he said. When I didn’t respond, because I knew he was lying, he said, “All right, man, you know, she’s relentless with the judgments. I’ve had a bad week, bro, and she’s all up on me for my life choices, so I had to bug out.”

I said nothing.

“And so, yeah, I was thinking, maybe I’d bounce, if that’s cool?”

“You planning on taking the bus?” Sam said. That he’d spoken at all was a surprise.

“Naw, man, I was hoping you could set me up with a ride and a safe place for a few days, till this Russian madness ends.”

“Sugar,” I said, “the moment you leave this house, you’re a dead man. Do you realize that?”

“Your mom hates me,” he said.

“You’re easy to hate,” Sam said. “Give me your watch.”

“What?” he said.

“Your watch,” Sam said. “Give it to me.”

“Look, I’ll hook you up with those Dolphin tickets-you just gotta give me some time.”

“Sugar,” I said, “give Sam your watch before he takes it with your arm still attached.”

“If I give him my watch,” Sugar said to me, “will you get me out of here?”

“Sugar,” I said, “I have a feeling Big Lumpy bugged you. The easiest place to look is your watch. After that, we start going through your internal organs. So please, with cherries on top, give Sam your watch.”

Sugar unclasped his watch and handed it to Sam. “Be careful,” he said. “It’s a Rolex.”

“Aren’t you a little young to have a Rolex?” Sam asked.

“I got big money,” he said.

Sam handed me the watch so I could look at it. It said ROLEX on the face and it was covered with diamonds… except that the diamonds were obviously cubic zirconium, since the only person who could afford the size and sum of encrusted diamonds on Sugar’s watch was the Sultan of Brunei. Even he would think it was gaudy. I turned the watch over. It said MADE IN CHINA right there on the plate.

“Where’d you get this?” I asked.

“You know. I got people who find me deals.”

“They got you a great deal on this one, then,” I said and handed it back to Sam, who set it on the ground and stomped on it until it broke apart. The “diamonds” crumbled like… well, like the glass they turned out to be.

“What are you doing?” Sugar fairly shrieked.

“It’s a fake, Sugar,” I said. “It was made in China.”

“What about the diamonds?” he said.

“Those were made in a window store,” I said. I reached down and pulled out the parts and found the bug immediately-Big Lumpy hadn’t bothered to put a small, top-level bug into the watch, opting instead for one about the size of a nickel.

“This come with your phone?” I asked.

“Aw, man, c’mon,” Sugar said. “You think I knew they’d bugged me?”

“During your traumatic time of capture,” Sam said,

“were you ever without your lovely Rolex?”

“That weird little dude? Monty? He asked me if he could shine it for me. Right before we came to your place, Mike. I was like, damn, you know?”

“This was before they wrapped you in plastic and stuffed your ears with cotton and taped up your mouth?” I said.

“Yeah,” he said.

“And you found nothing suspicious about the fact that they returned your watch to you all shined up and sparkling like it was the day you paid all eleven dollars for it?” Sam asked.

“Man, I was out of my mind. You know? I just, you know, like reacted to freedom and wasn’t thinking about it. I’m not a pro at being kidnapped like you guys are. Maybe I had that Frankfurt Syndrome or some shit.”

“I think you mean Stockholm,” I said.

“Frankfurt, Stockholm, Fort Lauderdale, my shit was scared, yo.”

It was hard to stay mad at Sugar. He was like a dog that pees on the floor every time the doorbell rings. Not much you can do but shake your head and drag it outside and tie it up when people come to visit-the difference being that you couldn’t just leave Sugar chained up outside for the rest of the day. At least not legally.

I examined the bug for a moment. It was a government-issue high-density bug-the kind they hand out like M amp;Ms to spies around the world-which lent credence to both Big Lumpy’s bona fides and Monty’s. .. or Steve’s… or Agent Zero’s. Whoever he was. I looked for a fingerprint on the bug but found nothing. He’d be too good for that.

“Sam,” I said, “you think you could find out who Big Lumpy’s manservant Monty actually is?”

“You don’t trust him?”

“No,” I said, “I actually do trust him. But I want to know who our new business partner is before we send you into combat with Yuri.”

“I’ll make some calls,” he said.