Andrew Gross - Eyes Wide Open

Thank God!

I hurried over. The car’s lights were off. The driver’s window appeared to be down. I could see a huddled shape behind the dash.

“Officer, officer! ” I yelled as I ran up. My heart was ricocheting off my ribs. “I need some help.”

I got to the car, put my hands on the window. “Officer, my brother’s inside that house and-”

My stomach almost came up my throat at what I saw.

The cop inside, his cap off, head slumped to the side, blood all over the top of his neck.

And a bright red circle dotting the center of his forehead.

“S o many things to go over, Charlie. So many years…”

Dev had let in Susan Pollack, the woman Charlie knew as Maggie, and they had their guns out, grinning. “And the little woman. So nice to finally meet you. So where to start?” He picked up the splintered neck of Charlie’s guitar that sat on the mantel. He whistled sympathetically. “Man, that must’ve put a dent in the ol’ music career

…”

“What do you want with us, Dev?”

“What do I want? What could we possibly want, Charlie? When it comes to you. Hey! ” He placed the guitar neck back on the hearth. “How’d you like the pictures? I made ’em up just for you.”

His eyes grew wide, flashes of relish and enjoyment in them. “I’m thinking definitely some of my best work, don’t you agree? As I remember, you two were kinda cozy back then. Man, it was sure a bitch to find her. She’d really lived quite the regular life since she left you…”

“You didn’t have to kill her, Dev. She was just a kid back then. She wouldn’t have hurt a fly.”

“Of course we had to kill her, Charlie. I mean, you see that, don’t you? That it wasn’t even about her, anyway. Not about her at all.” He sat across from him, spreading his knees. His gun bobbed against his thigh. “That was about you, mate. We had to kill her because we wanted to make the point to you. You get it now?”

“Yeah, I get it, Dev.”

“I mean, you knew what the score was, Charlie. Chase. Buckaroo. You knew even back then. When you brought those pigs into the garden, the rest of us had to do what? Clean up the mess. Right? It’s like with the Bible, Charlie. Ain’t no statute of limitations on betrayal.”

“That was all more than thirty years ago, Dev. We’ve lived out our lives.”

“Thirty years…” The words had a certain importance to them. Dev looked over to Susan. “He wants to know what thirty years is, Maggie.”

“Thirty years is what I gave up,” she said to him. “Over ten thousand days, Charlie. Each one spent counting the hours. Marking them off in my head. Until I could do what I was spared to do. What Russell wanted me to do. He knew part of his flock was weak. That they would betray him. That was why some got to go with him and others had to wait behind. So they would be here one day…”

“Russell was crazy, Maggie! He murdered all those people. Now you’re as guilty as him. What you’ve done is evil.”

“Evil? ” Susan Pollack chuckled and dangled her gun. Her smile was mirthless. “Don’t you remember nothing is evil if it’s done from love, Charlie? And your son… That was done from the greatest love I knew.”

“Evan?”

The woman he knew as Mags’s eyes bore in on him. “I gave up my life for him. For Russell. What did you give up? You gave up nothing, Charlie. So you had to pay.”

“What did you do to my son?” Gabby said, glaring at her.

“What did I do to your son?” Susan laughed and looked as if she was talking about a dying insect. “Your son was a confused little child who didn’t know whether he was alive or dead.”

“No, he was innocent,” Gabby said, standing up. “He was sick.”

“He was crazy, you stupid bitch. I learned more of what was in his heart in an hour than the two of you knew about him your whole lives. He wanted to kill himself out of spite just for the pain it would cause you. He hated the two of you- you both! But he was afraid, just like you were always afraid, Charlie. The little coward didn’t have the guts to do what had to be done.”

“What did you do to him? ” Gabby’s face became twisted with horror and rage. She took a step toward her, and Maggie raised the gun to her face, aiming it at her with two hands.

“Gabby, please…” Charlie tried to stand and go to her, but Dev lifted his foot and kicked him back onto the couch.

“You’ll have your own turn, Charlie boy.”

Gabby stared into Susan Pollack’s impassive face. Tears suddenly glistened in her eyes, the moistness slowly trickling down her cheeks. “ What did you do to him? ” she pressed.

Susan Pollack merely smiled.

“Please. You were there with him. Tell me. I need to know. Do what you want to me, I don’t care. But I need to know. It’s all that matters to me now.” She took another step toward Susan, not menacingly, more like imploring her. “Somewhere in your heart you are a woman too. Can’t you see? Our lives are over. They were over the day he died. So tell me, I beg you, please. It’s all that matters now. What happened to my son?”

Susan Pollack raised the gun and aimed it at Gabby’s face.

Charlie’s chest flooded with fear. “ Gabby, no! ”

Susan gave her a smile. Then she lowered the gun, eyes bright with delight. “You really want to know? He said I was his angel. So I did what an angel does.” She grinned. “I showed him the way.”

H e stepped out on the ledge once again, trembling. He gazed at the million lit candles far below, heard the whoosh of the surf crashing onto the rocks.

“Just fly, Evan…”

“You mean like this?” He spread out his arms.

“Yes,” his angel said, “just like that.”

He wanted to, he told himself. He really did. He wanted to end it, end the pain and hurt; end the confusion and the voice and all the disappointment that he knew he caused. His mom and dad had turned him over to the police. They had abandoned him. Put him away. How can people who love you betray you? This was the way…

He took another step, leaning forward.

But he couldn’t. He just stared out at the lights and started to cry. He realized how mistaken he had been. The things he’d done. His part in the hurt he had caused. He flashed to his mother and father. He imagined what it would be like, their hearing the news, and instead of relief and joy, he saw how devastated they would be. How, through it all, they still loved him. Through the cursing and the anger and the fights, that’s what he saw there.

They loved him.

And he loved them.

This wasn’t the way.

“I can’t,” he said, stepping back from the edge. “I can’t.”

“Just let God take you, Evan. I’m your angel. You know that, don’t you?”

“No.” He shook his head. Tears streamed down his cheeks. “I want to go home.”

“You cowardly little shit,” the voice said, her tone hardening. “Do what you’re fucking up here for. Do what you have to do.”

“No!” He turned and stared, and suddenly saw an ugly, foreign face, a woman he had never seen before. Not his angel. Not his inner voice. “Who are you?”

“I’m not your little angel, you ignorant shit.” The woman’s face was now twisted in disgust. “I’m your hell, boy! And your hell is here. Now do it! You want to die? Well, I’m here to bring you to the promised land. There’s no turning back. Your parents don’t give a shit. They hate you just the way you hate them. Now do what you came here to do.”

“No-I see it now,” he said, the moon illuminating his face, slick with tears. “I came up here to see God. And now I’ve seen him.” He turned to the panoply of lights, the millions of candles assembled before him. “Look, I understand it now. I see-”