K Breese - Future Imperfect

I realize she’s talking about the other guys. All the other guys.

“You love any of them?” I ask.

Vauxhall shakes her head. “In some way. That bad?”

“No. I don’t-”

“It’s the stories inside them. Each and every one has something hidden, something like a tumor inside them that’s eating them alive only they don’t know it. Me, I find that tumor, I bring it to light. I change their lives. And these guys, most of them just melt into nothing. They become children again.”

“And the Buzz. The high.”

“Right.” Vauxhall smiles and closes her eyes briefly. “The high.”

“If you didn’t have the high. Would you…?”

“-”

I clear my throat. “I don’t want to end up eighty by the time I’m thirty-five. I don’t want someone to be changing my diaper. I want to remember all this.”

Vauxhall looks at me, her bottom lip trembles slightly like she’s going to say something heavy but then she swallows that back down and says, instead, “Are you asking me to stop?”

I shrug. “I’m just telling you what I’m doing.”

“I’m happy for you, Ade. Really happy.”

“But you’re not going to…?”

Vauxhall looks like she’s holding back tears. Her face is all scrunched the way a dam scrunches into a valley to hold back a river. She shakes her head. Says, “I’m not sure I’m ready. I want to be. Really want to be. But-”

“Vaux, those guys, you ever think that maybe what you tell them they don’t really want to know? You ever think that stuff’s hidden for a reason?”

Vaux shakes her head. “Not at all.”

“And how about the fact that maybe they don’t care about what you tell them? Maybe they’re just happy to get laid? Maybe they just want to grab your tits and… I know it’s harsh, but maybe they-”

“You haven’t seen their eyes,” Vaux interrupts.

“Okay. You’re right.”

Vaux, “Ade, it’s beautiful. Not about the sex. Or the high.”

I say, “I believe you.”

But I don’t believe her. I know her too well already.

Vaux hugs me. Holds me tight to her, so tight I can almost feel her heart beating through the cacophony of mine. And then I go in to kiss her and she turns away biting her lip and shaking her head. She says, “I want things to be different with you, Ade. I don’t want the same thing.”

We sit in silence.

Far away a car backfires or someone is shot.

I turn to Vaux and put a hand on her knee. It’s gutsy but it feels right.

She doesn’t pull away.

I say, “I know that I love you.”

Vaux’s eyes don’t widen. Her lips don’t quiver. Her cheeks do flush, though. She says, “I don’t know what I can say to that, Ade.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just want to say it.”

“Two years, huh?”

“Two.”

“And you’re sure I’m the girl. I mean you’ve never been mistaken before.”

“I’m sure.”

A tear forms in the crease of Vauxhall’s left eye. Just a bubble at first, but it spills over and down her cheek quickly. Just glides down. And I want to reach up and wipe it off with the softest part of my hand, but I don’t.

She lets the tear go. Says, “You don’t know how hard it is for me. To be me.”

“-”

Vaux clears her throat. More tears fall. “Do you want to know why I transferred here? Why I came to Mantlo?”

I ask, “Not for film?”

“Not just for film.”

Vaux stops there and cries. Openly. Tears pour down her face and spot her shirt and I sit watching, starting into her eyes. My hand still on her knee, I squeeze it. Vaux turns away. Wipes her face with the back of her hand and laughs.

Vaux says, “You won’t believe it, but I came here to quit.”

“Quit?”

“Like you did. Cold turkey. Abstinence. Hasn’t really worked, though.”

“Why didn’t you tell me the-”

“You saw me at the party,” Vauxhall says. “I’m weak.”

“You’re not. Not at all.”

Vaux smiles, tears bending around her cheeks. “That’s sweet, but I am. I thought when I came to Mantlo that things would be different. Different people. Different scene. The pressure wouldn’t be there, you know? But it’s already started. I can just feel myself slipping back…”

“-”

“My last school, I was kind of run out,” Vaux says, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “Not like you see in movies or anything. No pitchforks. No torches. It was psychological. Over time. Really, it was a small group of girls, just five bitches, but the principal wouldn’t take it seriously. Not the teachers either. Not the parents. No one tried to stop the name-calling. The torment. They called me ‘easy’ at first. Like that’s genteel. Didn’t last long because then it was ‘slut’ and ‘whore.’ Even my friends, people I went to school with since kindergarten, were saying horrible things about me. This is out loud. This is in the hallways they’re saying it. Shouting it. At a party, once, a group of guys tried to rape me. I’d avoid lines because inevitably some guy would try and grope me. They all acted pissed when I’d shout them off. They’d say, ‘Why so suddenly stuck-up?’ and ‘What sort of tease are you?’ I was going home crying every day. Not wanting anything to do with school. Sobbing on the bus to-”

Vaux closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath in.

I don’t know what to say. My heart lurches around. It’s vulgar the way it’s moving. “The world is full of bastards. It seems like every third person I ever meet is revolting. Stupid. Bitter. There are these families of these people. Generations of them. I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to really get away.”

I squeeze Vaux’s knee again.

I say, “No one could hate you. You’re amazing.”

Vaux laughs. She says, “It’s my body. It was made for my ability. For me to do what I do. You can’t even imagine what it’s like living with this body. Before the high, it was only torment. Being a guy, I’m sure you don’t get it. I’ve been whistled at since I was twelve. Stared at. Spat at by girls. These…” Vaux puts her hands on her breasts and squeezes.

Part of me faints dead away.

She says, “When my boobs started to develop, my mom sat me down and told me how it was with her. All the same stuff, only it was in the sixties and men didn’t have the social pressure to behave themselves like they do now. Battle of the sexes couldn’t be more true.”

I lift my hand from Vaux’s leg.

She puts it back. Says, “I got the nastiest looks from girls. From the jealous ones who still wore training bras. There were other girls like me, though. Girls betrayed too early by their bodies. A clique of us, all these girls in big sweatshirts and coats. Scarves and frumpy dresses. My friend, Carla, she was the first the boys really noticed. They moved in like jackals. She was too aware of the attention it got her. Just the year before not a single boy would talk to her, but then, boom! And she took advantage of it. Let them touch her so long as they took her out. So long as they stayed friends. Not me. I didn’t let my body cheat me that way. It pushed out and I pushed back. Back then, and this will sound crazy, but the boys, they all called me stuck-up. They said mean, wicked things but the opposite. I didn’t cave. Then I met a boy I liked and we kissed and I felt something. This was freshman year and we dated for about two months. He was a senior. Things got…” Vaux pauses, asks, “Is it okay for me to talk to you about this?”

Already I can feel the muscles at the back of my neck straining. I just clench my jaw and nod.

Vaux gives me a smile.

Sitting there, my hand on her knee, she talks to me about the first time she got together with her first real boyfriend. How afterward she felt this rush, just barreling up her body and slamming into her brain, and how she saw, with this ex-guy in her arms, she saw him in this plane crash as an infant. How even though his brain was barely developed enough to process the memories, they were still there almost as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. The high, Vauxhall explains, afterward, it was like spiraling up into the sky and then over the sun and crashing down into cotton candy. Everything of her was vibrating. Everything felt alive.