James Patterson - The Gift

THE THIRST TOURNAMENT:A work of fiction set in a world that has run out of water and where the government has decided to control the population by having excess children serve as gladiators. After a thorough investigation, the New Order Council on Resource Protection has declared this to be an unrealistic water-rationing strategy.

THE UNFORTUNATE STONES:In this absurd novel, a group of actors are turned into stones in a publicity stunt gone horribly wrong. They spend the majority of the book contemplating their stony bodies and the afterlife. References to the dark arts, theatrics, and the afterlife quickly earned the novel an Objectionable Mention on the New Order Book Burning Committee’s list of tomes to be destroyed.

ULTIMATE ARMSTRONG:The absurd tales of a collective of genetically altered children with wings who can fly. As The One Who Is The One once quipped, these books should be read just as soon as pigs fly.

SOME PARTICULARLY REPREHENSIBLE NOISE POLLUTERS OF THE FORMER AGE

as Defined by The One Who Monitors Auditory Stimuli

DUCHESS GOO GOO:A ridiculous pop star who burst on the scene with her dangerously infectious first single, “Five-Card Stud.” She dominated the charts of the day and used her theatrical wiles to beguile the mass media into abetting her celebrity ambitions. She was among the first musical celebrities rounded up by the New Order Council of Cultural Standards.

DUSTIN BEEPER:A singer propelled into stardom by the videos posted online from his debut album, Beepin’ & Weepin’, which spread like a viral pandemic. Though officially banned for entertainment purposes, his music is still sometimes used by the New Order to lure Freelanders out of hiding.

THE RED-EYED SLEAZES:A “hip-hop” group whose disturbing videos proudly projected tacky excess and bikini-clad girls, and yet the musicians always seemed as if they’d just like to go to sleep. The New Order Council of Musical Standards had them banned for their oblique mockery of N.O. professional culture.

SMILEY PYRUS:A teenage pop star who rose to stardom by deceitfully charming her audience with a shy smile and then literally setting the music charts on fire. While not as dangerous as the wanted witch Wisteria Allgood, Smiley still is among the most dangerous musical fugitives in Freeland.

SWIFTY TAILOR:Country music superstar who was as famous for her bouncing blond curls and silly romantic folk songs as she was for breaking the hearts of handsome movie stars. Upon the arrival of Order to the world, she was swiftly jailed for her insistence on referencing “romance” and “love” in her work.

VISUAL “ARTISTS” WHO ARE NO LONGER SULLYING THE WORLD

as Annotated by The One Who Assesses Visual Stimuli

PIERRE PONDRIAN:While briefly embraced by the N.O. as a representative of efficiency, this minimalist was soon banned when it was discovered his work resonated with antiestablishment forces glorifying the virtues of “abstraction” and “freethinking.”

PAULO CEZONNE:A lazy painter who was involved with the “impressionist” movement, which the New Order deemed damaging to the development of clear and precise thinking. The movement proved as tremendously difficult to stamp out as an antibiotic-resistant infectious disease.

RANCHER ELFIE:A misguided “pop culture” artist who thought it would be amusing to mock the New Order by emulating official statements, posters, and banners and replacing certain messages and icons with absurd substitutions of his own design. He and his sense of humor are no longer with us.

SANDY EYEHOLE:A photographer who covered his prints of various celebrities and “commercial” artifacts with garishly colored sand. Fortunately his work was very easy to destroy.

SEPTEMBRE FEYNOIR:This artist’s saccharine depictions of pretty children, gowned women, bucolic landscapes, and domestic scenes-cheap prints of which were once embraced and consumed by millions-are now regarded as bad for one’s health, with some studies indicating they may be carcinogenic.

THANKSY:An oddly polite purveyor of graffiti who, during the last battle before the New Order’s Great Ascendancy, painted “Thanks!” over doorways that were hospitable to his rebel propaganda. Later, the markings proved useful to New Order agents looking to eliminate subversive elements.

EGREGIOUSLY INEFFICIENT OR SUBVERSIVE WORDS BANNED FROM USE

by Decree of The One Who Edits the Dictionary

Beaner(noun)

a derogatory term for people who have the good sense to pay attention to the important things in everyday life, such as budgets, performance reviews, and municipal statistics ‹ usage instance: As she stood on the execution platform, the rebel screamed her defiance at the noble citizenry, calling the spectators a pack of Beaners .›

pilgarlic(noun)

an archaic construct formerly used to describe a man without a full head of hair ‹ usage instance: It was ironic that the swordsman mocked his bald-headed foe as a pilgarlic, for in a few hundred years baldness would become the height of personal attractiveness.›

sandwich(noun)

an archaic term for two slices of bread placed around some sort of foodstuff-because of the unfortunate phonetic properties of the latter half of this word, The One Who Is The One lent his revered name to the lexicon, and this item is now referred to as a One-der-Meal ‹ usage instance: Anybody calling a One-der-Meal a sandwich will soon find himself accustomed to prison rations.›

shademark(noun)

a silly word rebels use to scare their children-it apparently refers to the stain on the ground left by a person who has fallen prey to a “Lost One,” a zombielike creature that inhabits their fantastical realm of spirits ‹ usage instance: Terrified by stories of shademarks, the child had sleep-depriving nightmares that seriously impinged upon his productivity at the factory.›

wisteria(noun)

a climbing ornamental vine with fragrant, usually purple, clusters of flowers-for obvious reasons, mention of this now extinct species of plant is prohibited ‹ usage instance: The gardener tore out the ugly stump of wisteria and in its place planted a New Order Soybean Cultivar No. A42.›

wunny(adjective)

an unpleasant expression apparently used by rebels to describe any unpleasant situation (etymology uncertain) ‹ usage instance: Dude, this Resistance rally is totally wunny . Let’s get out of here.›

James Patterson is the author of the highly praised Maximum Ride novels, the Witch & Wizard series, Med Head, and the bestselling detective series featuring Alex Cross and the Women’s Murder Club. His books have sold more than 205 million copies worldwide. In 2010 he was selected as the Children’s Choice Book Awards Author of the Year. He lives in Florida.

For previews of forthcoming James Patterson books and more information about the author, go to www.JamesPatterson.com.

Ned Rust lives in Croton, New York, with his family. He has also collaborated with James Patterson on Daniel X: Watch the Skies.