Tom Smith - Secret speech

Leo’s parents were waiting by the front door. Still weak from her injuries, Raisa depended upon their help. They’d moved into the gated ministerial complex, cooking and cleaning, creating a sense of domestic normality. Ready to leave, Elena paused:

– Can’t you come with us? We’ll walk very slowly.

Raisa smiled:

– I’m not feeling strong enough. Give me a day or two, then we’ll go out together.

– With Zoya? We can go to the zoo. Zoya liked that. She pretended that she didn’t but I know she did. It was her secret. I’d like Leo to come too. And Anna, and Stepan.

– We’ll all go.

Elena smiled as she shut the door, the first smile that Raisa had seen from her in a long time.

Alone, Raisa lay down on Zoya’s bed. She’d moved into the girls’ room. Elena would fall asleep only when she was by her side. Security had been increased at the ministerial complex, as it had across the city. Agents, retired and active, were reviewing their living arrangements, putting additional locks on the door, bars on windows. Though the State had tried to stop the release of information, there had been too many murders for rumors not to circulate. Everyone who’d ever denounced their friend or colleague took additional precautions. The profiteers of fear were afraid exactly as Fraera had promised.

Raisa opened her eyes, unsure how long she’d been asleep. Though she was facing the wall and unable to see behind her, she was certain that there was someone else in the room. Turning onto her back and lifting her head, she saw the outline of an officer in the doorway, an androgynous silhouette. There was a dreamlike quality to the experience. Raisa felt no fear or surprise. This was their first encounter and yet there was a peculiar familiarity between them, an immediate intimacy.

Fraera took off her cap, revealing cropped hair. She stepped into the room, remarking:

– You can scream. Or we can talk.

Raisa sat up:

– I’m not going to scream.

– No, I didn’t think so.

Raisa had heard that tone many times: as a man might patronize a woman, peculiar from the lips of another woman only a couple of years her elder. Fraera noticed her irritation:

– Don’t be offended. I had to be sure. It hasn’t been easy, getting in to see you. I’ve tried many times. It would be a shame to cut this visit short.

Fraera sat on the opposite bed, Elena’s bed-her back against the wall, her legs crossed, unbuttoning her uniform jacket. Raisa asked:

– Is Zoya safe?

– She’s safe.

– Unharmed?

– Yes.

Raisa had no reason to believe her. Yet she did.

Fraera picked up Elena’s pillow, squeezing it, in no particular rush:

– This is a nice room, filled with nice things for two nice girls, given to them by two nice parents. How many nice things does it take to compensate for a murdered mother and father? How soft do the sheets have to be for a child to forgive that crime?

– We’ve never tried to buy their affections.

– Hard to believe, looking around.

Raisa struggled to control her anger:

– Would we have been more of a family if we’d bought them nothing?

– But you’re not a family. Sure, if someone didn’t know the truth they might mistake you for a family. I wonder if that was what Leo had in mind: the illusion of normality. It wouldn’t be real, he’d know that, but he could enjoy it, reflected in other people’s eyes. Leo is good at believing in lies. That would make the girls little more than props, dressed up in pretty outfits, so he can play at being a father.

– The girls were in an orphanage. We offered them a choice.

– A choice between sickness, impoverishment, and malnutrition, or living with the man who murdered their parents… that’s not much of a choice.

Raisa paused, uncertain, unable to disagree:

– Neither Leo nor I were ever under the impression that the adoption would be straightforward.

– You didn’t correct me when I said the man who murdered their parents. I expected you to say: Leo didn’t shoot them. He tried to save them. He was a good man among bad. But you don’t believe that, do you?

– He was an MGB officer. He’s done terrible things.

– Yet you love him?

– I didn’t always.

– You love him now?

– He has changed.

Fraera leaned forward:

– Why can’t you answer? Do you love him?

– Yes.

– I want to hear you say it: I love him.

– I love him.

Fraera sat back, considering. Raisa added by way of explanation:

– He’s not the man who arrested you. He’s not the same.

– You are right. He is not. There is one crucial difference. In the past he was unloved. Today he is loved. You love him.

Fraera unbuttoned her shirt, restricted by the collar, revealing the top of her tattoos that unraveled across her body like the symbols of an ancient witchcraft:

– Raisa, how much do you know about him? How much do you know about his past?

– He infiltrated your husband’s church. He betrayed you, he betrayed your congregation, and he betrayed Lazar.

– And for those things alone, he deserves to die. However, did you know that before he revealed his betrayal, he proposed to me? Like a young lover under a full moon?

Raisa dropped her head and nodded:

– Yes, he asked you to leave Lazar. At the time I’m sure he believed you would want to become his wife. He was deluded. He has been deluded about many things, love included. Love, particularly.

Fraera seemed disappointed, wanting to pick open a secret. She continued, her enthusiasm notably diminished:

– He thought he was trying to save me. In fact, he was trying to save himself. Had I accepted his offer, he would’ve tricked himself into believing that he was, at heart, a decent man. I would not excuse his crimes so easily. I made him a promise. I swore that he would never be loved. I was sure that I was right because how could such a monster be loved? Who would love him?

Raisa felt flustered under Fraera’s stare:

– I will not defend the things he did.

– But you must. You love him. I’ve seen the two of you together. I’ve watched you, spied on you, as Leo once spied me. You make him happy. What’s worse, he makes you happy. Your love for him is everything. That is why I am placing it on trial. That is why I am here. I want to find out, how it is possible that you can live with him. Sleep with him. I thought at first you might be stupid: an officer’s trophy, beautiful and unquestioning. I thought you didn’t care about the crimes Leo has committed.

Fraera stood up, crossing the divide and sitting on the same bed as Raisa, positioned like two best friends sharing secrets in the middle of the night:

– Yet you exhibit no mindless loyalty to the State. There were even rumors of you being a dissident. Your love for Leo became an even greater mystery, one that I had to solve at all costs. I was forced to delve into your past. May I share my findings?

– You have my daughter. You may do as you please.

– Your family was killed during the war. You lived as a refugee.

Raisa was paralyzed as Fraera wielded information like a knife:

– During those years you were raped.

Raisa’s mouth opened, a fraction, enough to serve as confirmation. She didn’t try to deny it, sensing there was more to follow:

– How did you know?

– Because I visited the orphanage where you abandoned your child.

Raisa felt something far more powerful than surprise. The most intimate secrets from her past, events that she’d carefully buried and laid to rest, were being dug up and brandished before her. Scrutinizing Raisa’s reaction, Fraera took hold of her hand:

– Leo doesn’t know?