M Sellars - Perfect Trust

I just can’t even move.

I’m just so tired.

Don’t know why.

I’m so scared.

What is he going to do to me?

“But, you know, that dress is just plain ugly.”

What is he doing back there?

Oh God no, please…

I’m sobbing inside.

“Will you quit messing with my hair, you freak?” She shifts her view and yells angrily into the darkness, “Can’t you see that you’re scaring me?

“Yeah, that’s it. Come around here where we can see you.”

She turns her attention to me with a quickly uttered instruction, “Watch close, Rowan, here he comes.”

Blinding light.

“Dammit! Did you see him, Rowan? Did you?”

I see nothing but darkness.

“All right, you weirdo, quit messing with my feet. Get up and turn around so Rowan can see you, fetish boy.”

What is he doing now?

OUCH! That hurts!

What is he doing to my feet?

Why?

My heart rattles in my breast.

I can hardly breathe.

I’m so frightened.

“Look at that. The moron can’t even tell left from right.

“Move so Rowan can see you. Yeah you, you fathead, Rowan needs to see you.

“Oh, this is good. Look at this, Rowan. Sequined pumps. SEA FOAM GREEN sequined pumps. And would you look at how high those heels are! Where the hell did he get those things? Now I ask you, do I look like I have doll feet?”

A sudden flicker of light.

Psychedelic spots again.

“I think he’s got a wiring problem in that place. The lights kept doing that.”

Another bright flicker.

Pain rakes through my grey matter like a cheap wine hangover as the sudden switch of personalities occurs again. The throb hammers in my temples as the alternating trio of psyches begin a knock-down, drag-out battle for possession of me.

Oh sweet Jesus, she’s so beautiful.

She’s so close.

So close…

“What are you doing?

Please, no.

PLEASE let me go?!

Please don’t put that in my mouth.

Please no!

Somebody help me, PLEASE!

Gagging.

Bitter.

“You shouldn’t have given me that, you moron.

You already gave me too much to begin with.

You ever hear the word overdose?

Sheesh! What an idiot. Man, I just don’t care anymore.

Just let me sleep.”

Heavy breathing.

Struggle.

I feel so tired.

My chest hurts.

My heart is pounding so hard I can hear it.

Breathe.

I need to breathe.

“Come on you jerk, quit grunting. I’m not that heavy.”

Panting.

Excitement.

Arousal.

It hurts.

Oh God, it hurts.

Why is my heart racing?

God it hurts.

“Look, I may be a cheerleader, but I don’t bend like that.

Give me a break.”

Heavy breathing in the darkness.

Oh God, why can’t I breathe?!

“Look at him, Rowan. LOOK AT HIM!”

Hair just so.

Chin tilted up.

No, stay that way.

Yes.

Legs crossed.

The silky feel of her stockings against the back of my hand.

Another rush of arousal.

Yes! Perfect!

POP!

Bright Light!

POP!

Bright Light!

POP!

I can’t feel anything.

I can’t even feel my heart anymore.

I don’t care…

“Talk to me, white man.” My friend verbally insinuates himself into the vision once again, only to become a weak fourth voice in the turmoil.

If only it was really her…

Really her…

Really her…

Darkness.

Fear gives way to warmth.

Warmth gives way to cold.

Cold gives way to nothingness.

I don’t care…

“Oh, man, what are you taking your pants off for, you idiot?

You gonna jerk off some more?

Oh, no way.

You aren’t going to are you?

Can’t you see I’m already gone?

You fucking killed me already…

You’re gonna be screwing a dead body, you moron!

God, you’re just sick.

Man, put ‘em back on, that’s just disgusting.

You sick bastard.”

So beautiful…

So close…

For now…

She’ll do for now…

Look at me, Rowan, don’t turn away.

Look at me, Rowan, I’m dead today.

So what are you gonna do about it?

“If I’d been told it was anyone else, I never would have believed it.”

The feminine voice issued from the doorway and was accompanied by the low whooshing sound of the door being forced quickly open. Sheathed in an authoritative tone with an underlying note of incredulity, the words glanced sharply from the tile walls, striking their targets from all sides. Those targets were, without a doubt, Ben, Felicity, and me.

The comment didn’t exactly seem angry, but it wasn’t altogether friendly either. It was more along the line of a mixture between disturbed chastising and a cold statement of fact. In any event, no matter what emotion could finally be pinned to the verbiage, the sentence cut through the atmosphere in the room on a determined course. The intent behind its mission was fulfilled as all three of us came instantly to attention, swinging our startled gazes toward the issuer of the remark.

Doctor Christine Sanders, Chief Medical Examiner for the City of Saint Louis, didn’t look at all pleased. Truth was, she looked like she would much rather be asleep. Considering both the hour and her rumpled appearance, she’d obviously been roused from bed. Her close crop of brunette hair, flocked with grey static, was tousled, and her eyes were heavily lidded with a weary haze. She was hastily adorned in a pair of jeans, a baggy sweatshirt, and sneakers. Her parka-like coat hung across her slight frame, unzipped, with the hood carelessly thrown back.

“Hey, Doc,” Ben offered sheepishly.

Under his breath, my friend muttered a quick trailer to his statement, “Damn, she got here quick.” The barely audible addendum was spoken as if he wasn’t at all surprised by her arrival.

“Just what the hell have you got against me, Storm?” she asked as she allowed the door to swing shut and ventured purposefully into the cold room. “Did I do something awful to you that I’m not aware of?”

“I dunno why ya’ got called,” Ben shook his head as he stepped toward her. “There was no reason ta’ bother ya’ over this.”

It was obvious, to me at least, that he was playing dumb. The observation didn’t escape the M.E.’s attention either.

“Excuse me?” she returned. “I should have been called before you ever came in here. It’s called procedure, or have you forgotten?”

“I didn’t wanna bother you.”

“You didn’t want to bother me.” She offered the statement back to him, a much heavier note of incredulity lingering in her voice this time. “What’s wrong with you? You didn’t think someone on my staff would call me anyway? You know better than that.”

“What for?” he shrugged.

“Well, let’s see.” She rolled her gaze upward and gestured toward us. “For starters, three people show up in the middle of the night to view a body from an active homicide investigation.”

“Yeah, so?”

“I just told you. Procedure. You know full well that this is outside the norm. If we didn’t know her identity it would be one thing, but we know exactly who she is. I’m also betting that none of you are next of kin.”

My friend continued to press his luck. “Yeah, so? Since when did viewin’ remains become outside normal procedure?”

“Dammit, Storm! Will you quit it with the innocent act! You know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s almost one in the morning for God’s sake! This is a morgue, not a quick shop!”

Felicity and I remained silent during the exchange. My wife still hadn’t released her grip on my hand, and in fact, she was squeezing so tight that my fingers were beginning to go numb. I gave her a quick nudge and glanced down at the entwined extremities. She followed my gaze, immediately picked up the queue, and let go.