J Rain: The Mummy Case

He thought about it.

“I suppose so, yes.”

“Why?”

He reached up and unconsciously rolled the brim of his Stetson, a nervous habit, which now explained why the thing looked like a Del Taco Macho Burrito.

My stomach growled. Lord help me.

“It’s hard to say, Knighthorse. It’s just a gut feeling I have. The kid…the kid was smart, you know. A recent college graduate. I was impressed by him, and not just by his book smarts. He seemed to have a sensible head on his shoulder; street smarts, too.”

“Too sensible to get lost in the desert.”

“Yes. Precisely. That’s exactly why I’m here.”

“That,” I said, “and you feel guilty as hell for sending a kid out to his death.”

He looked away, inhaled deeply. “Jesus, Knighthorse. Put it that way, and you make it seem like I killed him.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“I want you to look into his death. Make sure it was an accident.”

“And if it wasn’t an accident?”

“I want you to find the killer.”

“Finding the killer is extra.”

“Price is no object.”

“ Zumbooruk!”

“Why do you keep saying that? What does it mean?”

“It’s a camel-mounted canon used in the Middle East.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Neither do I.”

I met Detective Sherbet at a sandwich shop on Amerige St. in downtown Fullerton. Sherbet was a big man with a big cop mustache. He wore an old blue suit and a bright yellow tie. He ordered coffee and a donut. I ordered a Diet Pepsi, but thought the donut idea was a pretty good one. So I had the waitress bring me three of whatever she had left, because when it comes to donuts, any flavor will do.

“What if she brings you a pink donut?” asked Detective Sherbet.

“Pink is good,” I said.

“I hate pink.”

“In general?”

He thought about that, then nodded. “Yeah.” He paused, looked away. “My boy likes pink.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Me, too.”

“How old is your boy?”

“Eight.”

“Maybe he will grow out of it.”

“Let’s hope.”

The waitress brought me three cake donuts. Chocolate, glazed, and pink.

Uh oh.

“Are you okay with me eating this?” I asked, pointing to Sherbet’s arch-nemesis, the pink-frosted donut.

He nodded, shrugging. The man had serious issues. I ate the pink donut quickly, nonetheless. As I did, Sherbet watched me curiously, as if I was a monkey in a zoo exhibiting strange behavior. Funny, when I was done, I didn’t feel gay.

“Any good?” he asked.

“Quite,” I said. “And no gay side effects. At least not yet.”

“Maybe I’ll have one.”

And he did. One pink donut. After the waitress set it before him, he picked it up warily with his thumb and forefinger, careful of the pink frosting. He studied it from a few angles, and then bit into it.

“Your son would be proud,” I said.

“I love the kid.”

“But you think he might be gay.”

“Let’s change the subject,” he said.

“Thankfully,” I said. Actually, Detective Sherbet wasn’t so much homophobic as homo-terrified, as in terrified his kid might grow up to be gay. Someone needed some counseling here, and it wasn’t the kid.

“So that crackpot hired you,” said Sherbet. There was pink frosting in the corner of his mouth. Lord, he looked gay.

“Crackpot being Jones T. Jones.”

“A shyster if I’ve ever met one. Anything to make a buck. Hell, I even had my suspicions that he offed the historian just to generate more press for that damn store of his. Have you been there?”

I nodded.

He said, “Place gives me the fucking creeps.”

“So he’s clean?”

“Sure he’s clean. Everyone’s clean. Kid ran out of gas, wandered around the desert until he died of heat and thirst.”

“Hell of a way to go.”

Sherbet shrugged, and as he did so his mustache twitched simultaneously. Perhaps the motor neurons in his shoulders were connected to his upper lip.

“I hear Willie was a smart kid,” I said.

Sherbet nodded. “Smart enough to get a Masters in history from UCI.”

“Probably smart enough to call for help on his cell phone.”

“Sure,” said Sherbet, “except he didn’t have one on him.”

“Who found his body?”

“San Bernardino Sheriff. They found the body and called me out, as I was working the original missing person case. We compared notes, asked around, decided this thing was nothing but an accident. We both closed our cases.”

“Have you talked to anyone at Rawhide?” I asked.

“Sure, went out there with the San Bernardino Sheriff. We asked around, talked to the museum curator and his assistant, the last two to see Willie alive.”

“What did they say?”

Sherbet shrugged again. His shoulders were probably hairy. Sherbet was a very manly man, which was probably why he couldn’t comprehend his kid turning out gay.

“Like I said, they were the last two to see Willie alive, at least that we know of. The museum curator and his assistant-forget their names now-showed him the site where that fucking mummy was originally found. Afterward, when everyone left the site, Willie was in his own truck right behind the curator and assistant. They look again, and Willie’s gone. They assumed he headed home in a different direction. Both their stories corroborate. Granted, this is an oddball way for a bright kid to die, but unless something rears its ugly head here, we have no reason to suspect any funny business.”

I drank some Diet Pepsi. I’m not even really convinced that I like Diet Pepsi. I took another sip; nope, still not convinced.

“Jones seems to think there was foul play,” I said. “And gave me a hefty retainer fee to prove it.”

“Jones wants business. Twenty bucks says he turns this thing into an even bigger circus. He’s the ring leader, and you’re the…” He paused, thinking.

“World’s Strongest Man?” I offered.

“Sure, whatever. Look, I think he’s using you, Knighthorse. Especially you, since you have some name recognition.”

“Did you want my autograph for your kid?” I asked.

“You kidding? Kid doesn’t know a fullback from a backpack.” Sherbet shook his head some more, sipped his coffee. “All this over a fucking mummy.”

“Hard to believe.”

It was a warm Saturday afternoon and Cindy and I were jogging along the beach with, perhaps, two billion other people. We used the bike path that ran parallel to the ocean, expertly dodging dog walkers, roller bladers, baby strollers, various shapes and sizes of humans and, of course, bikes.

Cindy was dressed in black Spandex running pants and a long-sleeved shirt that said O’Neil on the back in blue script. She was the only human being within five square miles wearing a long-sleeved shirt. She had also smeared blue gunk over the bridge of her nose and along her cheekbones, which made her look like a wide receiver, minus the helmet and cup. I was dressed only in knee length shorts and running shoes. No shirt, no sunscreen, no blue gunk. No problem.

“That blue gunk is scaring the kids,” I said.

“That blue gunk, as you call it, is sunscreen, and it helps to keep me looking young.”

“You’re thirty-one. That’s young enough.”

“But I want to look twenty-one.”

As we jogged, we spoke easily, casually. Cindy huffed or puffed once or twice. I don’t huff or puff, although I was very conscious of a dull ache in my right leg, a leg held together by stainless steel pins and will power. Superman has his kryptonite; I have my stainless steel pins.

“So if you can stay ten years ahead of the aging curve you would be happy?” I said.