Richard Mabry - Code Blue

"Good. How about my medications?"

"The dose of estrogen you're taking could probably be cut back a bit. We're finding that smaller doses carry less risk of breast cancer. The vitamins and supplements are fine. I don't want to discontinue the tranquilizer suddenly, but if you can, I think we should plan for you to eventually get offthem."

Ella Mae shook her head no before Cathy finished speaking."Ordinarily, I'd agree with you. Until I saw you last, I hadn't taken those for several years. But I need them now."

"Why?" Probably not the most diplomatic way to put it, but Cathy felt she had a right to ask for justification before authorizing more of the tranquilizer.

"I'd prefer not to say. Let's just say that I'm dealing with some powerful emotions. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I need something to take the edge off."

"These emotions. Would you like to share them with me? Perhaps I can help."

Ella Mae shook her head. Then she turned her palms up like a supplicant. "No use talking about them. It's about something that happened years ago. I thought I'd put all that behind me, but it keeps coming back to haunt me."

Cathy's heart hammered in her chest. "And you won't let me try to help you?"

Ella Mae shook her head, and Cathy was struck by the sadness in her eyes. "No, I don't think anyone can help. But thank you for offering."

Ella Mae Mercer stood at Jane's desk, her prescriptions in hand, completing the checkout procedure. Cathy took one last look at the woman whom she suspected had been the cause of her father's near-estrangement from his wife. She hungered for details, but Ella Mae appeared to have no plans to elaborate.

Cathy grabbed a can of diet soda from the workroom refrigerator and took several gulps. She shrugged her shoulders and tried to loosen the muscles in her neck, but the tension wouldn't budge. Probably just stress. She wished she could write herself a prescription for the same tranquilizer Ella Mae took, but all she needed to further complicate her life right now was to start self-prescribing potentially habitforming drugs.

Cathy made sure that the waiting room was empty before she retreated to her office and closed the door. She collapsed into her chair, leaned back, and put her feet on the desk. Decorum be hanged! She was exhausted.

She sat that way for perhaps five or ten minutes. Then her sense of duty overcame her fatigue. She sat up, pulled the phone toward her, and punched in Marcus Bell's number.

"Marcus, this is Cathy. What did you need?" She regretted her tone as soon as the words left her mouth. No need to alienate him. She needed all the allies she could muster."Sorry, didn't mean to snap at you. Bad day."

"I'll try not to make it any worse. The credentials committee will be meeting again in a couple of weeks. I thought you might like to know that the way you handled Nix's arrhythmia and your care of Mr. Phillips impressed Evan Baker. He seems to be on your side right now. Carl Rosenberg is also coming around. So there's a chance they may reconsider extending your privileges."

Cathy felt her muscles relax a bit. "Great. I was afraid you were about to suspend them, not extend them. I had visions of being on probation as a result of this malpractice suit."

"Actually, they could do that. But I haven't heard any rumbles to that effect. I- Hang on. My secretary's asking me something."

While Cathy waited, she tried to honestly assess where she stood with the credentials committee. And, in case of another tie vote, she wondered if Marcus would come down on her side this time or choose to remain neutral. She wished she could be sure.

She heard more murmurs, then Marcus was back on the line. "Sorry. Administrative problem. Anyway, I thought you should know about this."

"Thanks." She had the phone receiver halfway to the cradle when she heard Marcus say something else.

"Pardon me? I didn't get that last bit."

"I asked if there was any chance of us having that dinner I keep asking you about."

Make a choice, she thought. True, Marcus was handsome and charming. There was no doubt that having him on her side would be important. But she couldn't bring herself to fully trust him. And it would be weird to see Marcus when she hadn't fully decided how she felt about Will. No, she didn't need any more tension in her life.

"Marcus, I appreciate it. But… no."

Cathy paused at the water fountain outside Josh's office to wash down a couple of Tylenols. She recalled the advice she'd given so many times to others. If symptoms persist, see your doctor. Well, here she was, about to see a doctor-and probably the one whose services she needed most.

She had hardly settled into her chair when Josh asked, "How's your love life?"

Cathy looked up, startled. "I beg your pardon?"

"I asked, 'How's your love life?' Surely you recognize the relevance of that question. If you don't, I can remind you of what we've been talking about for the past several weeks."

She squirmed and rearranged her skirt. "All right. As you know, there are two men who seem to be interested in me. One is the surgeon who's Chief of Staffat my hospital. The other is the attorney who's helping me with a malpractice case that's been filed against me."

"Your high school boyfriend."

Didn't the man forget anything? He never took a note. She'd never seen evidence of a tape recorder in the office. She decided on a simple answer. "Yes."

"Do you have feelings for either of them?"

"Actually, I haven't sorted that out. I know I'm fond of at least one of them."

"Fond? That's not the kind of feeling I'm asking about. Does it go deeper than fond?"

"Do you want to talk some more about my not being able to trust men?" Cathy asked. "Because my father died just as I finished medical school, just when I needed him? Because two men I was ready to marry disappointed me?"

Josh shook his head, an unusual display of emotion for him. "No, but think about those three men we've been talking about: your father, Carter, Robert. What did you admire most about them? Until they let you down, that is."

She didn't even have to think. "Strong, competent. I felt safe and secure when I was with them."

"What do you think that says about the way you feel about yourself?"

She reached for the carafe and poured a glass of water.

"Cathy, you know you do that when you want to put off answering."

She put the glass down. "All right. I guess I don't feel secure. I act like it-I have to-but I'm not. I feel like I have to prove myself again and again. Can you imagine how hard it is for a woman to make it in medicine? And then to establish yourself in your hometown, where everyone remembers every mistake you and your family ever made? A place where all the male doctors in their 'old boys club' think you can't hack it in the real world?"

"I recognize those feelings, and they're legitimate," Josh said. "But put them aside and try to analyze your feelings for the men who are currently in your life, the ones you're drawn to."

She took a deep breath. "I need Marcus on my side when I come up against the medical staff. I need Will on my side when my suit comes to trial." She felt the way she always felt when Josh peeled away another layer of the protection she'd built up: vulnerable and shaky.

"And?"

"So I guess I need to be clearer about my feelings for them. Do I value them for what they can do for me or just for themselves."

"That would be a good idea. I'd suggest you begin by considering whether you'd be attracted to them if they had nothing to offer you. Picture them as furniture salesmen, plumbers, perhaps airline pilots. When you do that, you'll know the difference between what you're feeling from your head-even subconsciously-and your heart. And then you can start thinking about love-not need, but love. There's a big difference."