Randy White - Black Widow

No one said stop. The night kept going.

Shay leaned toward the steering wheel, no longer guarded. “It was my party, and I let it go too far. I don’t know why, and it’s driving me nuts.”

I said, “You didn’t force your friends. They’re older than you. Beryl’s, what, three or four years older?”

“Four. And she’s the queen of Ice Queens-usually-and she was the first one with her suit off. But it doesn’t matter. I was in charge. I didn’t stop it when I had the chance. Everything felt slow and dreamy. They told us the grass was really strong shit, but man, I don’t know.”

“You think they slipped you something else?”

“I’ve wondered about it. If they did, I hope I never get the chance to buy the stuff because I don’t think I could pass up the chance. The feeling was incredible. Like someone hit the happy switch, and all my stress was gone. It was also like… like I got a dose of aphrodisiac down where it counts.”

I turned to her as she turned to me. “You wanted honesty? I’m being honest. Maybe it was the dope. Maybe it was the guys-all muscles and curls. The other girls, they’d have to speak for themselves. But I lost control. What I did was wrong. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. The way my body reacted… it was like riding a slow wave. The sensation was unreal. How clinical do you want me to be?”

I was shaking my head as I replied, “You can still be blackmailed, that’s all I need to know-” But she interrupted, saying, “No, I want to tell the rest. I’m not embarrassed now. I don’t want you to be. Maybe a man can make sense of what happened, because I’m driving myself nuts with guilt, trying to figure it out. I love Michael. I’m monogamous by nature. I didn’t even fantasize about other men after we started dating. But now… after the way it was that night on the island. My God.”

I interrupted. “Ransom’s from the Bahamas. Why not wait and talk to us both?”

“What? Now you don’t want the truth?”

We’d turned right on Tarpon Bay Road, and were pulling into a mangrove lane, bay side, feeling air humid and dense descend on the convertible. The gate to Dinkin’s Bay Marina was locked. Nearby, the path to my laboratory was marked by a glimmer through the trees, and also a friend’s bicycle: a fat-tire cruiser, peace signs painted on the fenders, and a

basket on the handlebars that read, FAUSTOS-KEY WEST.

“Tomlinson’s here. Must be something important if he’s ashore this late.” I spoke as if surprised, but I expected him to be waiting. Tomlinson is a boat bum, a Zen teacher, a womanizer, a hipster academic, and my neighbor. He and Shay were close, but not confidants. It was a welcome intrusion. I was interested in assembling data about the woman’s blackmailer, but I didn’t want to hear her confession. It would include admissions, I felt sure, that would later distance us.

I asked, “Can we talk tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow. The wedding’s only nine days away. I don’t have time to breathe. But… okay, if that’s what you want, I’ll make time. What I don’t understand is, what does Ransom and the Bahamas have to do with-”

I said, “Saint Arc and the Bahamas have some similarities-cultural, I mean. She might pick up on things I’ll miss.”

“Like what?”

“Don’t know. But those guys didn’t come to your beach house accidentally. A cameraman wasn’t positioned with a view of the pool accidentally. What you felt, how you felt-maybe it was the drugs. Maybe it was you. We’re human. Ransom will have a better read on that, too. Either way, you were targeted. That’s why I’d like to wait awhile before we destroy the tape.”

“In case the cops get involved? Look, I don’t care what happens, no one can ever see that damn video-”

“No. I want a closer look at the cassette. The brand; how it’s wrapped. Maybe I can learn something. I’ll keep it locked. You can trust me.”

“I do trust you. But… you absolutely have to swear you won’t get curious and-”

“I didn’t watch it when I had a reason. I’m not going to watch now.”

“Okay… okay. When you’re ready, we’ll burn the damn thing and drink cheap champagne to celebrate. Doc…?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I got you into this… made you fly to that damn island when you’d rather be here, messing with fish and your test tubes and books. I know how much you love that old house and lab. I tell everyone about the place.”

“When you asked me to be your unofficial godfather, I said yes, remember? It comes with the job. You also happen to be worth it.”

“That’s not how I feel. I feel like a tramp.”

“Don’t. When I told you to accept responsibility, I didn’t know the story. You were set up by someone who is very, very good. So stop punishing yourself. It’s what victims do-even when the guilt belongs to some asshole who gets his kicks preying on weaker people.”

“I’ve never been called weak in my life.”

“That’s not the kind of weakness I’m talking about.”

“Then why would I do something so damn stupid and destructive so close to my wedding?”

I didn’t reply. The question wasn’t mine to answer. I waited in the chirring silence of frogs and mosquitoes until she made an attempt.

“I worry that… no matter how good I get at pretending, I can’t change the blood that’s in me. I’m afraid, Doc. Scared that I’ll go back to being what I was born to be, no matter how hard I fight. What’s the term? Self-sabotage?”

“Don’t be silly.”

“The voice inside a person’s head may be wrong, but it’s not silly. It tells me I can’t change where I came from. Especially when I pull some crazy stunt like this. Your house and lab-that’s who you are. You told me that once.”

Had I? I didn’t remember the conversation, so I said, “We identify with all kinds of things. But we don’t come preprogrammed. We make choices.”

“It wasn’t by choice I grew up believing I was redneck trash. That little voice knows. Sometimes it tries to drag me back into the hole where Daddy lived.”

“A panther would be easier to drag into a hole. That’s what I think.”

We were out of the car. Shay stood facing me. I couldn’t see her clearly in the car’s parking lights, and for a moment I thought I’d made her laugh. No… she was crying. I let her lean into my arms and held her, face buried in my chest. As she sobbed, I stroked her hair until the spasms slowed.

“You’re too stubborn to go back to that world. You’re also too smart- take my word.”

“I wish I was as confident. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but that damn little voice is real. It keeps reminding me I’m Dexter Money’s daughter. It’s like a curse.”

I gave her a little shake.“Women with master’s degrees don’t waste time on superstitious crap. They aren’t afraid of witches and dragons and trolls- unless you count the insurance adjuster you dated from South Beach.”

The girl snorted, hiccupped, and began to sniffle. “Oh, God! Don’t remind me.”

After a minute, I said, “Why don’t you come inside? Have some tea, lie in the hammock, and look at the stars until you calm down.”

“Can’t. I have so damn much to do. Planning the wedding is pressure enough. Three hundred people, half of them speak French, and the only woman that ever impressed my future mother-in-law is a dead virgin named Mary. The perfect Catholic girl-kept her knees together but still gave birth to a saint like Michael. And Joseph actually believed her. Now I have to deal with this bullshit.”

“She’s that bad, huh?”

“Michael’s mother? Her name’s Ida. As in ‘I’d’a rather never met her. Ida is a ball-breaker, especially when it comes to other women-maybe because she has six sisters. Michael says they’re ball-breakers. Lots of family money, but still serious overachievers. All five are coming to the wedding. Now do you see why I ran away to the Caribbean?”