Adrian McKinty - Dead I Well May Be

Turn your head, I said.

He turned his head. He had a few bruises on him but he looked ok.

You don’t look too bad, you big eejit. Want a pint?

Aye.

I went up and bought him a Guinness. I got myself a bottle of Newcastle Brown and came back.

Have you seen Bridget? I asked him.

Aye. She told me this joke.

Was it about parrots? I asked.

Yeah, it was funny.

Where is she now? I asked.

Think she left with Darkey, going to the opera or something, Andy said.

They’ve both gone already?

Andy nodded.

Says she’s thinking of changing her name.

What?

Yeah, to Brigid. Pronounced the same, but it’s the Irish spelling, apparently. She’s the patron saint of Ireland, along with Patrick. Bridget says that she was the earth goddess, mother Eire, that the early Christians co-opted to-

I never heard anything about this, I interrupted him.

Oh aye, you’re out of the loop, Mikey, Andy said, and his mind jumped to other things: Tell you it was wild, boy. This morning, I mean. I mean, Jesus, I was keeking it. Really, keeking my bloody whips. I had no clue. No clue at all what was going on. Just sitting there revving. And waiting for the peels. All those bloody people. You’d think it was a parade or a free show or something. Me just sitting there. All in Spanish. I have it, you know. The lingo. Too fast, though. Christ, Michael. Look at you, all calm. You’re cold, man. You and Scotch standing up and shooting, cool plan.

Didn’t work.

Sure it did. You must have got him.

His own boys shot him, I said.

Not the way Sunshine sold it. Said you were aces. You and Scotch. Jesus. Cold. Super cool. Why didn’t you think they’d shoot you? You boys. I didn’t know, though. I was just sitting there. They say that’s the worst. The waiting. At least you were doing something. Ha, I’m sure you boys were thinking up excuses for the meeting with your Maker. Is this Guinness? Tastes funny. Hey, and you know I heard what you did to Shovel, thanks for that. Thanks for getting him.

It was nothing, I said. I tried to think of something to change the subject, but nothing came, and on he went about his driving.

And on my first morning out of the hospital, too. I mean, you have to admit it was impressive.

It was impressive.

It was, wasn’t it? he said, his eyes wide and excited.

Aye. And you’re feeling ok, big lad?

I’m ok. I could have been out yesterday, but they were covering themselves, Andy said.

Nice nurses?

Not really, although there was this one girl from, like, Jamaica or something. I thought I was hitting it off but she was just being nice, I think.

You get her number or anything? I asked him.

Nah, nothing like that. Here, you want some chocolates? he asked.

I wouldn’t say no to chocolates. These wouldn’t be a present by any chance, would they? I asked.

Aye, behind the bar for safekeeping, Andy said, grinning.

I let him get another round and the chocolates, which I had contributed five bucks towards, so they better be pretty fucking special. He came back. I was drinking lager now, because of the heat. It was extraordinarily bad stuff, but easier going down than the Guinness.

What you do after? he asked, giving me my pint.

I picked out a hazel log and a couple of caramels and a nice nougat one. I shoveled a couple in at once.

What? I asked him.

What did you do after this morning?

Uh, nothing. Slept.

I couldn’t have slept, could you? he asked.

I just told you I slept.

Tell you, you’re cold, man.

Thanks.

I was pumped. Pumped. Suppose for you it was all automatic, but I had to sit there, just sit, you know. Then drive afterwards. How’s your hand, by the way? Scotchy says you were the only one stupid enough to get himself hurt.

Scotchy said that?

Aye, when he was telling Mr. White and before the fireworks. He was dead calm at first, you know, Mr. White, I mean, he just listened, and then goes all ape and starts yelling at Sunshine-

What exactly did Scotchy say about me? I interrupted.

Nothing. Just said typical Bruce got himself a nick to show the girls. It was jokey, like.

That bastard Scotchy. He was lying on the floor keeking his whips, and I was the only one doing anything, I muttered.

Sunshine appeared at the top of the stairs. I nodded a hello and he came straight over. He was smiling. He’d had what was left of his hair cut, shampooed, and plastered on his scalp. Must have needed the attention after this morning’s debacle. He didn’t seem perturbed in the least by Darkey’s firestorm, and I wondered if Andy was completely yanking me.

Michael, I want to talk to you, he said.

Sure, go ahead, Sunshine.

Over here, Sunshine said, and led me over to the bar.

This is for you, he said and gave me an envelope. I wanted to be cool and not look, but I couldn’t help it. I opened it and there were ten fifty-dollar bills inside. More than twice (after Darkey’s taxes) what I got in a week.

What’s this for? I asked.

For this morning. If you hadn’t talked with him, we all would have been arrested. Or worse. You convinced his employees, not him. But that was enough. You saved my bacon, Michael.

Our bacon.

Yeah.

Well, look, thanks for this, I said.

It’s not much.

No, thanks, anyway.

Scotchy made the report, but I told Darkey what you’d done, Sunshine said, significantly.

Aye, I know. Andy was just after telling me, I replied, sounding pissed off.

Listen, I made sure Darkey knew what happened, Sunshine whispered.

He looked at me; he seemed odd and off-kilter. Still shook up from the morning. He wouldn’t go on a job again in a hurry, I thought. Conditioner wafted at me from his strands of hair.

Uh, again, thanks for putting in a word, I said, finally.

Michael, we’re very much alike, you and me. I think you’re a bit underappreciated around here, but don’t worry, I know what you did. Anyway, enjoy yourself with that.

Ta, I will, I said.

Don’t mention it. Literally, don’t mention it, he said.

Ok.

He wanted to say something else, I thought, but instead he just nodded and went back upstairs. I had to run after him.

Listen, Sunshine, I got rid of your piece, but I’ll need mine back.

He looked at me and grinned as if this level of competence was unheard of.

Well done, Michael, always thinking. That hadn’t even occurred to me. Of course I’ll get your.22 back or anything else you want.

The.22 will be fine. I don’t think we’ll get in anything like that again.

We won’t, he said, firmly.

Ok.

He padded up the stairs and then stopped halfway. He came back down again.

Michael, look, whatever else happens, I just want you to know that, that… I’m really grateful and sorry. Thanks.

He turned and went back up again.

How fucking weird, I thought.

I stuffed the envelope inside my jacket and dandered back to Andy.

What was that all about? Andy asked.

Uhh, nothing, um, gave me a bit of roasting for being late, nothing major, but he didn’t want to do it in front of you, didn’t want to embarrass me. Considerate, I suppose, I said.

Aye, he’s like that sometimes, Andy agreed.

Yeah.

See the state of him, though. He got a manicure, you know, like a fucking poofter, Andy said.

I must say, Andrew, I disapprove of your homophobia, I said.

My what-a-phobia? Andy said, having never heard the term before.

Most of the great generals have been gay or at least bi. Alexander, Caesar, Octavian, Marlborough, the list is long, I said with an air of world-weariness.

I don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you saying Sunshine’s gay? Andy asked.