Adrian McKinty - Dead I Well May Be

Do you have a picture of yourself in your army fatigues? I thought, but realized, to my horror, had also said.

She said that she did not. Oh, wait. She had a small one on her ID. She laughed and brought it out and this clinched the whole deal. I would go back to her place and experience with her the miracle of the tea-infusion ball. It was then that I did something extremely stupid. Something so stupid that it would ultimately lead to the death of our poor driver David Marley with a screwdriver in the throat on that snowy Westchester Christmas Eve. It would also unfortunately mean the end of everyone else sitting at Marley’s table. What I did was this: I said to her, I just better go tell Sunshine that I’m away.

If I hadn’t done that, things sure would have turned out differently. I would have spent the night with her. What happened the next morning wouldn’t have happened. There would have been no Mexico, there would have been no death. There would have been just me and this beautiful girl and a different narrative, a better one.

Ok, she said, not knowing that she’d sealed my fate.

I went over to Sunshine.

Listen, mate. Met this girl, have to go, if you know what I mean.

You can’t, Sunshine said. Darkey wants to take you to this restaurant in Brooklyn, treat you, a big meal. We’re going when he gets back from the bathroom. You know, because we’re impressed with ya. Vendetta. You did well, teaching Shovel a lesson. It’s easy doing your enemies. But it’s hard doing your friends. You showed real moral courage.

Listen, Sunshine, if it’s all the same to you, I’ve met this girl and Jesus, she is absolutely the cat’s pajamas, I kid you not, my old china, she is the business and-

End of conversation, Michael. We’re going to Brooklyn, Darkey’s wish. Wants to treat you and he will, Sunshine said firmly.

Christ, it must be near four in the morning. Will it even be open at-

Michael, come on, I won’t tell you again. Get the girl’s number and call her tomorrow.

I could see that there was to be no discussion, so, shamefaced, I went back to her.

Listen, what’s your first name again? It is burned in my heart but temporarily my memory is failing to reach my pulmonary system.

Rachel.

Listen, Rachel, my boss, uh, my supervisor, university supervisor, is over there and he’s taken it into his head to take us out to dinner and I have to go. But please, please, give me your number and I’ll call you tomorrow. Ok?

She looked disappointed, but she gave me the number. She bit her lip. It was too much. I leaned over and kissed her. She kissed me back, wet and delicious, for a half a minute.

You really can’t come tonight? she asked.

It’s agonizing, but I really can’t.

Well, I’m going to Miami for ten days the day after tomorrow, so you will have to call soon, she said.

Are you kidding me? I’ll definitely call.

No, really.

I will. Listen, I’m really awfully sorry about the tea. I will call. I promise.

I kissed her on the cheek and put the number in my jacket pocket.

Are you ok for getting home? I asked.

Yes. It’s just across the street.

She went off, leaving me tealess and heartbroken. Needless to say, I didn’t call the next day. The next day a different girl came back into my life. And the next day Rachel was gone (though I did phone up to check just in case) and when she came back I wasn’t in the country anymore, and then when I came back, finally, I didn’t want her to see what had become of me.

The restaurant in Brooklyn turned out to be some awful Italian shithole with a night view over stinking mudflats and an abandoned container dock. I don’t know Brooklyn well, but it was in the neighborhood of Williamsburg and the L train. The food was bad, but at least I didn’t get the fate of Big Bob, who ordered lobster in some kind of white sauce and for his many sins was puking most of the next day. But that was in the rosy future, for now he was sitting next to me bullshitting his way through a biography that even Scotchy wouldn’t have had the cheek to make up. I was in a foul temper, mainly over the girl, but I suppose also a combination of factors. It hadn’t been the most successful of days for my self-image as a lovable Artful Dodger type. First, I had to shoot poor old Shovel; then they woke me up after no sleep and dragged me downtown; then Scotchy and I went at it hell’s bells; and then they deprived me of Lieutenant Narkiss-a woman deadly out of, and I’m sure in, the sack.

We were alone in the place and there was only one waiter and the cook and the manager, a man called Quinn. None of the three looked or sounded very Italian. I closed my eyes and drifted for a time. Bob was lecturing Sunshine on the benefits of central air-conditioning. Marley was smoking. Darkey was standing at the window. And then to my absolute horror, Darkey called me over.

He had a cigar, he was half-toasted. I hoped more than me.

Michael, my boy, come here, he said.

I came.

We haven’t really talked, have we, Michael?

I shook my head.

Sunshine does all of that, Darkey said sadly.

Yes.

It’s a pity, though. I like to get to know people. I like to know who’s working for me, but the higher you go the less you can stay involved in the nitty-gritty. You have to let go, Michael. You have to trust your subordinates. More like Reagan, less like Carter. You get me?

I didn’t at all, but I nodded.

Darkey put his head on my shoulders. He was smaller than me, and I’d already slumped over into an uncomfortable stoop to be eye level with him. His hand felt heavy.

Listen to me, you did a fine job and don’t think there won’t be something extra in your pay packet. Shovel disrespecting me like that. Who does he think he is? Man’s a lunatic. A fucking lunatic. What price loyalty? Look at you. You came from Ireland. From Belfast. I gave you a job and you’ve done a good job. Sometimes it’s lifting people. Sometimes it’s lifting furniture, ha, ha. You have to start at the bottom. Earn our trust. Sunshine gives me reports.

I see, I said.

But you see, the thing is, I like you. You and Scotchy. Andy, I liked him. He went out with Bridget, you know. But he wasn’t her type. Not at all. You, I see you, Michael. You are the lad, the original Wild Colonial, but listen. I know you’re good. Scotchy tells me, Sunshine tells me. Listen, Michael, I know you. You’re young, and young is as young does, that’s just the way of it. But I won’t have any trouble. I think I’m a fair man. I think I am. But I won’t have trouble. I come down like the son of Solomon. My father chastised you with whips and I will do it with scorpions. Iron fist only way. Cut out the cancer. If it’s there. Have you seen that film about John Wayne where he’s the boxer?

No, I don’t think-

Very good, very good. I’ve never been, but I will one day. Quiet life. You want to settle after a time. You want to settle. How I began is not important. It’s how I’ll finish that’s the key. Construction brings in three times what Sunshine does. You understand?

Not really, I admitted.

His hand pushed down on my shoulder. It was actually hurting a little.

How old are you, Michael?

Nineteen. I’ll be twenty in-

See, you boys might have the youth, but I have the persistence, Darkey said and pointed his finger at me. I can outlast all of you. Mr. Duffy, me, we grew up with this. You realize that, don’t you? You, Bob, Scotchy, even Sunshine, you don’t know the half of it. You’re too young. You see that? Intelligence is no substitute for wisdom. Live long enough to get wise, eh?