Gordon Reece - Mice

‘I don’t know,’ she said shrugging her shoulders. ‘I felt so insecure after the burglar broke in that, when the time came, I just couldn’t part with it.’

After a long pause she went on. ‘Maybe some part of me knew all along that we were going to need it. .’

She placed it carefully on the kitchen table and sat down. I’d got to my feet, but my knees had turned to jelly and I sank back down into my chair.

The gun squatted on the table like some metallic scorpion, its deadly sting secreted at the end of its bluegrey tail. I contemplated it with a mixture of revulsion and fascination. It looked so alien in the kitchen among the green glass pasta jars, the cookery books, the puppy calendar from Gran, the corkboard covered with photos of Mum and me and my Hello Kitty stickers — it was jarringly out of place, jarringly male .

‘Is it loaded?’

‘Yes. Six bullets.’

‘Do you know how to use it?’

‘It’s not difficult, Shelley. You take the safety catch off and pull the trigger.’

I shook my head, numb, disbelieving, the physical reality of the gun starting to bring home the enormity of what we were considering.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you’d kept it?’

Mum shifted uncomfortably in her seat and looked away. ‘I–I didn’t want to unsettle you.’

‘ Unsettle me?’

It wasn’t difficult to see through her delicate evasion: she hadn’t told me the gun was in the house because she didn’t trust me any more. Since the night I’d snatched the knife from the dining-room table and run out into the garden after Paul Hannigan, she no longer knew what I was capable of. She no longer knew what I might do if I was put under extreme stress again. Was she worried that I might shoot myself or that I might shoot her?

It piqued me, but not so much that I couldn’t appreciate the irony of the situation: while I’d felt that Mum had changed since the night we’d killed Paul Hannigan, that in some ways she’d become a stranger whose behaviour I could no longer predict, she’d been feeling exactly the same way about me.

‘You should have told me,’ I said. ‘You shouldn’t keep secrets from me. I’m not a child any more. And I’m not a weirdo , you know.’

Mum pulled a pained face and I could see that she regretted her dark suspicions. She placed her hand on top of mine and smiled apologetically. ‘You’re right, Shelley. I should have told you.’

I let her go on holding my hand, but steadfastly denied her a smile of forgiveness — until I remembered the secret I was keeping from her. Paul Hannigan’s driver’s licence, hidden upstairs in the bottom of my secrets box. My conscience pricked me hard, and guiltily I gave her the smile that she wanted. ( It’s OK, everything’s OK between us .)

My attention returned to the gun, whose obscene black hole of a mouth was pointing directly at my heart.

‘Are you sure you know how to use it?’ I pressed her.

‘Yes, I’m sure.’

I imagined Four-wheel-drive Man again, but this time he wasn’t ordering us around. This time he was kneeling in a corner of the kitchen, blubbering and snivelling, begging for mercy as I aimed the gun at his head. What would happen if I pulled the trigger? Would it be like the movies? Would a blob of strawberry jam suddenly appear in the middle of his forehead? Would his eyes slowly empty as his soul fled? Would he crumple to the floor in a lifeless heap?

When he comes here today, we kill him . .

Were we really thinking of putting ourselves through all that searing trauma again ( the blood, the body, the fear )? Were we really thinking of committing murder? Because there was no doubt that that’s what it would be. Last time, with Paul Hannigan, we’d been fighting for our lives, we’d been acting in self-defence — but this time it would be calculated, cold-blooded murder.

When he comes here today, we kill him. .

But why did it have to be we ? Why wasn’t Mum taking this responsibility on herself like she did when she disinterred Paul Hannigan’s body or took the bin bags to the national park? Why wasn’t she telling me to go upstairs and hide in my room until it was all over? I shouldn’t have to be there. I shouldn’t have to see it. Hadn’t I seen enough? Shouldn’t she be protecting me?

But the longer she sat there lost in thought, saying nothing, the clearer it became that she wasn’t going to say anything of the sort. She wasn’t going to sacrifice herself for me. Whatever we were about to go through, she seemed to have made up her mind that we would go through it together.

‘Are you really serious about this, Mum?’ I croaked, my throat suddenly dry.

Mum didn’t look at me. She reached out a hand towards the gun and cautiously — as if frightened it might suddenly bite her — turned the barrel with the tip of her index finger as she considered my question. When she stopped and looked up at me again, the gun was pointing down the hallway towards the front door. The direction in which the blackmailer would come.

‘If he goes to the police, it’s all over for us,’ she said flatly.

We lapsed into an uneasy, agitated silence. This had all come at the wrong time! I’d been planning to spend the whole day revising global warming, my French vocabulary, the Treaty of Versailles. I couldn’t suddenly switch now to the contemplation of this real-life problem. I didn’t have the mental energy to scale such an enormous peak, not today, not now, it was just too much. I wanted to return to the manageable, finite problems that my exams posed.

‘But kill him? Really kill him , Mum?’

‘It’s zugzwang,’ she said with a bitter smile.

‘What’s zug—?’ I couldn’t even remember the rest of the word.

‘Zugzwang. It’s an expression from chess. When it’s your turn to move but there’s no move you can make that won’t be disadvantageous to you.’

I thought about it. She was absolutely right. Whatever we decided — to give ourselves up, hand over the money or kill the blackmailer — we were going to suffer. All of our options were equally hellish. But we had to do something. It was our move.

‘We’re in so deep now, Shelley,’ Mum said, ‘we’ve come so far down this path that we might as well keep going. Giving ourselves up would be every bit as awful as — ’ she clearly didn’t want to say murder — ‘carrying on.’

We’re in so deep now . Her words reminded me of something else. One of the quotes from Macbeth I’d learned just a few days before. I tried to remember how it had gone: I am in blood

Stepped in so far, that, should I wade no more,

Returning were as tedious as go o’er.

Recalling where the quote came in the play discomfited me even more than the words themselves. Just before Macbeth orders the murder of Macduff’s wife and child. Just before he commits his worst atrocity.

‘You’d better go up and get dressed,’ Mum said, gently cupping my elbow. ‘He could be here any minute.’

‘OK.’ I sighed. ‘But when I come down we’ve got to talk this all through properly. We can’t just rush into something like this on the spur of the moment — we’ve got to think about it more, we’ve got to talk more. Maybe it isn’t zugzwang. Maybe there’s something else we can do that we just haven’t thought of yet.’

I’d pushed back my chair and was beginning to stand up when I heard a noise outside.

I froze. Mum started to ask me what was wrong, but I thrust my hand abruptly into her face to silence her. She understood and turned her head to listen, the tendons in her neck standing out thin and taut like piano wire. He can’t come now , I thought, he can’t possibly come now! We’re not ready for him! I’m not dressed! We haven’t decided what we’re going to do! Please, God, let me have imagined it!