L Sellers - The Suicide Effect

Her dark blue skirt and jacket looked as if they’d been borrowed from someone older and heavier, and the collarbone brace could be seen at the base of her neck. A thick slather of foundation across her forehead failed to hide the giant purple-and-yellow bruise, and the gash on her temple was still quite prominent. She looked gaunt from missing so many meals and her eyes were jumpy, like those of a stalking victim. Overall, she was not the picture of physical and mental well-being she wanted to project to the judge.

Barbara took her by the elbow and nudged Sula toward the front bench in the small windowless room. This was a private hearing and only those involved were there. Tate’s foster parents, Emily and John Chapman, were seated on the first bench to the right. Tate sat next to Emily looking very serious in his little grown-up courtroom clothes. He glanced up at her and waved, a bright boyish smile suddenly on his face. Sula’s heart fluttered with joy. In his hand was a little blue transformer toy she’d bought him for his fourth birthday.

She tried to put her thoughts in order before the judge came in. Ever since Rudker had threatened Tate, Sula’s feelings had been in turmoil. She loved her son more than anyone or anything in the world. All that really mattered was for Tate to be safe and happy. She didn’t know if she was the right person to make him happy.

For the hundredth time, her mind played out the what. if scenario. What if the judge gave her custody? Would Tate go home with her today? Or would the judge give the Chapman’s time to gather his things together and have a few days to say goodbye? Either way, what would it be like for a little boy to say goodbye to the people he thought of as parents and loved most in the world?

What would it be like for him to go live in a new home with a woman he had spent less time with than his daycare provider? How long would it take her to earn his trust? How long would he grieve for Emily and John? Could she bear to make him that unhappy? Even if it was only for a few weeks or months?

Everyone-her lawyer, her counselor, even Nate’s caseworker-had reassured her that young children adapt to new family situations. Sula didn’t know if she had the right-or the will-to make him unhappy, even temporarily.

It was so much more complicated than that. Most important, she couldn’t provide him with a father, and little boys really needed a father. Especially in today’s violent and mixed-up world. They needed, more than anything, a good male role model. Someday, she might find a suitable stepfather, but right now Tate already had a great father.

Sula grabbed Barbara’s hand. “I want to withdraw my petition.”

“What?” Barbara turned to her, stunned.

“I want to withdraw. I want to take the deal they offered. Unsupervised bi-weekly visitation.”

Barbara locked eyes with her. “You remember that part of the deal was to give up your parental rights.”

“I know. It’s time. They are his parents. I can’t undo that now.”

“You should think about this.”

“I’ve thought about it constantly for the last few days. I don’t want to disrupt his life and take away his security. Long term, I think they’ll be better for him.”

“Are you sure?”

Sula nodded.

Barbara clicked into lawyer mode. “All right, this is what we’ll do. I’ll withdraw the petition and agree to meet with their lawyer in a few days to work out the new visitation arrangement. Giving up your custody will take a whole separate petition. This way, you’ll have some time to make sure that’s what you really want to do.”

“Okay.” Sula felt a little numb as she watched Barbara approach Emily and John with the news. They both stared at her in disbelief. She smiled to reassure them it was real. Their faces lit up with joy. She stood and waved and left the courtroom. She knew she should have spoken with them, but it was more than she could bear. She was afraid if she started crying, she wouldn’t stop.

It was time to put the tears behind her and move forward. Rudker had suffered a stroke while he was in police custody, and now he was in a coma. The doctors didn’t think he would recover, and she would probably never face her tormentor again. She would start seeing her counselor again and stay with it for as long as necessary. She would also get to see more of Tate. She would be in his life for as long as he let her.

Sula planned to go home and tell Robbie, who had been sleeping on her couch for a week, that he could move into Tate’s room. Then she would call Aaron and see if he still wanted to have that cup of coffee.