Ken McClure: Crisis

‘I don’t know what you mean,’ said Bannerman hastily.

‘You’re having a mid-life crisis! That’s what I mean,’ exclaimed Stella. ‘You’re indulging in an orgy of self-analysis! Do you want to lie along the couch and tell me all your innermost fears?’

‘Certainly not,’ insisted Bannerman, feeling vulnerable and wishing he had never broached the subject. He should have known that Stella would see through him right away. ‘I was simply thinking.’

‘Ugh huh,’ nodded Stella. ‘And putting yourself on a diet while you were doing it …’

‘Sometimes I hate you,’ smiled Bannerman.

‘Eat up,’ said Stella. ‘You can always dance it off at the disco on the way home …’

Afterwards, as they sat on the couch with their coffee, Bannerman said, ‘I almost bottled it today.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Lost my nerve. The tumour section wasn’t as clear as I would have liked and theatre insisted on an answer before the new prep was ready.’

That isn’t exactly the easiest of positions to be in,’ said Stella.

‘I know but it’s what they pay me for,’ said Bannerman.

Tell me about it,’ said Stella.

Bannerman told her the details of what had happened and Stella looked at him in disbelief. ‘You call that losing your nerve?’ she exclaimed. That was an absolutely nightmarish situation to be in, and you got it dead right.’

That’s the way it worked out but it could have been so different,’ said Bannerman. The woman could have lost her breast unnecessarily.’

‘Nonsense!’ exclaimed Stella. ‘She had the best histopathologist in the country examining the biopsy.’

Thanks,’ said Bannerman, but his expression showed that he wasn’t convinced.

‘You really are down aren’t you?’ said Stella. ‘What brought all this on?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Bannerman, ‘I had a lecture this morning and before it I suddenly found myself thinking what a waste of time it all was.’

‘We’ve all thought that from time to time, especially if you get a bad class,’ said Stella.

‘But they weren’t bad at all as it turned out. We were discussing slow virus brain disease and they seemed genuinely interested. I finished up feeling guilty for misjudging them.’

‘What you need is a change,’ said Stella. Take some time off, re-charge your batteries.’

‘I can’t. I’ve got too much to do.’

‘No one is indispensable Ian, not even you. I’m sure the hospital could survive for a couple of weeks. Leeman could cope with the lab couldn’t he?’

‘Yes,’ agreed Bannerman.

‘And you have a first-class chief technician in Charlie Simmons?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, do it.’

‘I have two more lectures to give on brain disease for the course.’

‘Ah,’ conceded Stella, ‘that’s more difficult. When do your lectures finish?’

‘The last one is a week on Friday.’

That’s not long,’ said Stella. ‘Finish your lectures and then take time off.’

‘I’ll consider it,’ said Bannerman.

‘Do it!’ urged Stella.

Bannerman thought for a moment then said, ‘Maybe I’ll do something I’ve planned to do for a long time but haven’t quite got round to.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Go winter climbing in Scotland.’

‘You’re serious?’ asked Stella.

‘Absolutely. I used to do it when I was a student at Glasgow. I promised myself that I would do it again one day.’

Stella looked bemused and said, ‘I must confess I was thinking more along the lines of you lying on the beach in the sunshine, chatting up dolly birds, drinking ice-cold beer, but if this is what you really want …’

‘We’ll see,’ said Bannerman attempting to close the subject, but Stella made him promise that he would give it some serious thought.

‘I promise,’ said Bannerman. ‘Can I give you a hand with the washing up?’

Stella declined the offer, saying that she would do it in the morning. She wasn’t due at the hospital until eleven. ‘How about you?’

‘I said I’d do the autopsy on the Bryant kid who died at the weekend and I’ve got a meeting at ten-thirty so I’d better get an early start.’

‘I heard about that,’ said Stella. ‘Very sad, brain cancer wasn’t it?’

‘Almost certainly,’ said Bannerman, ‘but I suppose I’ll know for sure tomorrow. If it is, the MRC will want a full report for their survey.’

‘What survey?’

They’re monitoring the incidence of brain disease in the UK to get an overall picture of the situation.’

‘Is this a routine survey or has something prompted it?’ asked Stella.

They’re pretending it’s routine but it has a lot to do with the BSE scare we had last year. People suddenly realized that no one has a clear picture of what is going on because brain disease is so difficult to diagnose and classify. The temptation is always to use vague generalities like, “dementia”.’

‘Somehow I get the impression that things like Alzheimer’s disease are on the increase. Is that right?’

‘I fear so,’ said Bannerman, ‘but the survey should give us a clearer picture when it’s complete.’

Stella looked at her watch and said, ‘It’s late and if you’ve got to get up early …’

Bannerman nodded and got to his feet. He thanked Stella for dinner and took hold of both her hands to say, Thank you for being my friend.’

‘Off with you,’ smiled Stella. ‘And …’

‘Yes?’

‘Don’t stay too long at the disco.’

Bannerman woke at three in the morning with the sweat pouring off him. He had awoken from the nightmare just at the moment when the naked woman had raised the knife above her head to stab him. The act of stretching had caused the jagged surgical wounds on her chest, where her breasts should have been, to split open and weep blood over him.

Bannerman sat bolt upright, breathing heavily and repeating an oath under his breath. After a few moments he swung his legs out from below the duvet and sat on the edge of the bed to light a cigarette. He took a deep lungful of smoke and let it out slowly while he massaged his forehead with his fingertips.

The nightmare had been so vivid that there was no question of lying back down again and risking sleep. The woman with the knife would be waiting for him just below the brim of consciousness. He pulled a dressing-gown round him and went through to the living-room to turn on the television. It didn’t seem very interesting — some American film from the sixties by the look of it — but it provided a distraction, and that was the main thing. The soundtrack was therapeutic as he shuffled into the kitchen to turn on the kettle to make tea.

James Stewart and an actress he didn’t recognize were about to live happily ever after and there were two more cigarette stubs in the ashtray before Bannerman felt like risking sleep again.

At ten-fifteen in the morning, Bannerman returned to his office from the post-mortem suite with the taped report he had compiled of the autopsy on Paul Bryant, aged nine. ‘I’ll need an MRC report form Olive,’ he said to his secretary on passing. ‘He had cancer of the brain.’

‘You aren’t forgetting the monthly Health Board meeting at ten-thirty are you?’ said Olive.

‘No,’ replied Bannerman without enthusiasm.

Olive Meldrum smiled. She knew how much Bannerman hated routine meetings.

Bannerman sat down behind his desk and picked up the telephone. The events of the previous day and night had been preying on his mind too much. He resolved to do something about it. He pressed a four digit code and waited for a reply.

‘Drysdale,’ said the voice.

‘Dave, it’s me, Ian Bannerman. Do you think we could have a talk sometime today?’