April Smith: North of Montana

The job of the bank robbery coordinator is to find connections between the more than two thousand bank robberies committed each year in Los Angeles County. Most individual robbers will repeat ten or fifteen times for less than a thousand dollars a take, easily losing themselves in a tangle of freeways or a robber-friendly matrix of underinformed and understaffed law enforcement. Now that gangs have become involved, resources are stretched even thinner. Our conviction rate is not great. Often it is the Human Computer, meditating alone before this sorry montage, who provides a clue that leads to an arrest.

When I walk into her office, Barbara is reading People magazine with Jayne Mason on the cover and eating birthday cake from a big slab someone left in the lunchroom, deep chocolate with raspberry in the middle. She pushes a slice on a Mickey Mouse paper plate toward me along with a folded napkin and red plastic fork. I have brought my mug, knowing she always has fresh brew flavored with cinnamon perking along in her personal coffeemaker.

“I am absolutely devastated about Jayne Mason,” she says, not taking her eyes from the magazine. “My whole world just went up in smoke.”

I look at the upside-down photos, familiar as a family album. Even now in her fifties or sixties or who knows what, Jayne Mason remains one of our truly enduring movie stars.

“She’s a drug addict.” Barbara slaps her hand down and looks up with real hurt as if she’s been personally betrayed.

I sip the coffee. ‘Why is that a surprise? She’s an actress. Of course she’s on drugs.”

“Oh, come on! Jayne Mason? Every American girl’s prefeminist dream? You have to admit she’s exquisite.”

She flips the magazine around so I can see the famous black and white portrait of Jayne Mason taken when she was barely twenty, the amazing cheekbones then described as: “Pure as the curves of a Stradivarius … heartbreaking as the Mozart played thereon.”

Barbara is going on impatiently, “Don’t you remember those wonderful old sentimental musicals?”

“I hate musicals.”

“She was angelic . She always played the good-hearted farm girl whose pa just passed away or the poor street urchin who gets the swell idea of putting on a musical production, then finds out she has tuberculosis. But don’t worry — the handsome young doctor saves her life and she becomes a big Broadway star.”

I say nothing. Barbara glowers at me with frustration. “Your idea of a tearjerker is Terminator. ”

“That’s right. The robot dies and it’s sad.”

“She turned down the title role in Gigi —big mistake — because she was having a tumultuous affair with Louis Jourdan at the time.” The Human Computer cannot be shut down: “Her first dramatic role was Bad Men , a famous western with John Wayne.”

“Even I remember that. They were making love on the tallest butte in Arizona and supposedly they really screwed.”

“Look at this!” Barbara picks up the magazine and throttles it. “She’s an addict! Like every other sleazeball on the street.”

I swipe it from her and examine a photo of Jayne Mason taken just last week. She is getting into a limousine wearing dark glasses and a tailored white linen suit, clutching a bouquet of yellow roses, looking like she’s running for a plane to Rome rather than dodging reporters on the way to the Betty Ford Center.

Barbara sighs. “I used to wear a full slip underneath my Catholic school uniform because Jayne Mason looked so sexy and romantic in them. The first time I saw her on the Academy Awards I was three years old and watched every year since, hoping she’d be on. She was the queen of queens in the prom gown of all prom gowns. God, I wanted to be beautiful.”

But I am fussing over something else: “You can’t remember anything when you’re three.”

“I can.”

“I remember nothing before the age of five. The whole time we lived with my grandfather in Santa Monica is a blank.”

Barbara gives a wry look over her coffee cup. “Have you spoken to your therapist about this?”

“Why? That’s normal.”

But Barbara’s attention has returned wistfully to the magazine.

“I was so sorry when Jayne didn’t marry President Kennedy. They would have made the sexorama couple of the century. Nobody wears full slips anymore.” Then, without a pause, “When does Duane get back?”

“Day after tomorrow.”

“We’re going to have something very special waiting for him.”

Barbara smiles. Small-boned, with curly reddish hair down to her shoulders, a pert nose, and wide-set blue eyes, she has an advanced degree in biology and looks about as much like an FBI agent as I do, especially with a Mickey Mouse napkin tucked into the neck of her yellow wool suit.

She places one of the surveillance photographs in front of me.

“Here’s your guy.”

There’s my guy in the baseball hat and two shirts standing in front of a teller’s window in California First Bank. He isn’t pointing a gun or doing anything even slightly dramatic. The photo is stamped UNSUB. Unknown Subject.

“And here’s your guy again.”

In a second photograph he is wearing different shirts, a different baseball hat, with the same puffy face and sagging eyes.

“Same M.O.,” Barbara continues, pointing with her fork. “The gun, the baseball hat, same instructions: ‘Give me your hundreds and no dye packs.’ ”

The second photo is stamped UNSUB, Bank of the West, Culver City Branch, 1984. I am astonished.

“How do you do that?”

Vitamin A.”

“How do you remember? Is there some kind of trick?”

“Sure there’s a trick.”

She stands abruptly, dumps our plates in the trash, and turns to me, arms folded.

“When I was a new agent, Duane Carter used to routinely get me up against a filing cabinet and suggest how we might spend the rest of the afternoon. I would laugh him off, being cute and ‘not wanting to hurt his feelings’—then one day he pulled me down on his lap on top of his hard-on and slipped his hand under my skirt.”

“Barbara!”

“Yeah, well, I should have shot the sucker between the eyes but instead … I didn’t handle it very well. I cried. Told him I had a boyfriend. Some damn lie or other. This was before sexual harassment cases.”

She whips the pearl back and forth.

“He would take me to lunch when we were supposed to be discussing a case and talk about how we should get the penthouse suite at the Beverlywood Hotel, how Mormon males are great in bed, they have some super sexual secret, that’s why they have so many wives and children … when the truth is, he hates women.”

I look again at the little Catholic schoolgirl from Chicago in the yellow suit and pearl necklace, still so ladylike in her obsessive rage. “I am so sorry you had to put up with that shit.”

“After I got married I deliberately transferred back to Duane Carter’s squad. For years he thought he had this dirty little secret on me. But times have changed and I’ve got it on him.”

“How? It’s too late for legal action.”

“I’m watching him and he knows it. Why do you think I’ve hung in as robbery coordinator so long? It’s the perfect position to keep sticking it to him. Like right now — you’re going to bust this guy for two robberies and get your transfer to C-1 and it will drive Duane Carter absolutely nuts because you’re a woman and you did it, and he ain’t getting transferred nowhere.”

I put my arm around her shoulder. She is my friend. “Don’t spend your life on Duane Carter.”

“It makes me happy.” Her thin rosy lips compress into a tight smile.

“Someday,” I tell her, “you’re coming with me over the wall.”