John Matthews - Past Imperfect

'I don't know… I'm not sure, I…' Doubt and uncertainty returned, swept across Eyran's face like rising storm clouds.

Lambourne could see Eyran retreating, a moment more and the chance would be gone completely. 'But you need to know more about Jojo. You never ask him anything, yet he's put in so much time helping you, trying to find your parents. Don't you think it's only fair — he'll be upset if you never ask. One night you'll be dreaming, you'll return to the copse, expecting him to be there to help you find your parents… and you'll be all alone. He won't be there!'

Lambourne saw Eyran visibly flinch. But as his expression settled back, Lambourne could see that a glimmer of acceptance had returned. It had been the right ploy: remind Eyran that there was just as much risk in not talking to Jojo. It wasn't all one way.

Lambourne spent the next minutes cajoling and reassuring, one minute enticing and luring, hoping that Eyran would make the decision, then suddenly once again storm-trooping — before Eyran finally relented and he broke through. Entered the elusive world of Jojo.

Lambourne spent the first minutes getting accustomed to Jojo's voice. The intonation was slightly different, slower and more purposeful, but apart from that it was Eyran's voice. Lambourne asked if he was Eyran's friend, where he knew Eyran from, but Jojo was vague ' …from before… it was a long time back.' He got a similar answer when he asked Jojo about losing his parents. Distant memories, obscured by a haze of time. Lambourne wanted to stay for the moment with the present and the recent dreams.

'Did you lose your parents by the copse where you first met Eyran. You mentioned that you'd had the same experience as Eyran — that he wouldn't be able to find his parents unless he crossed over.'

'… I only wanted to help. I was over the far side… I couldn't help him unless he crossed over.'

'Did you see him crossing over as a sign that he trusted you. That he wanted your help?' Lambourne knew that he'd have to be more patient talking to Jojo; each response was being fed in turn through Eyran.

'… Yes.'

'But why the copse? Was it familiar — reminded you of where you lost your parents?'

'There was something about it, I couldn't be sure… but I had the feeling stronger in the wheat field. It was a long time ago, though… I couldn't remember clearly.

'The same wheat field where you were with Eyran in the last dream?'

'Yes. But Eyran was running through the wheat field in the first dream… it was that which made me look up and see him from the copse.'

Eyran too had mentioned that when he first moved in the house the wheat field had seemed familiar… 'as if I'd been there before.' 'You could see him between the trees — running towards you?'

'Yes, and I… I… felt his concern, his worry as he was running through. I knew that something was wrong.'

'The same concern that you felt when you lost your parents?'

'Yes — I'd felt the same.'

'And that was what first made you feel close to Eyran, made you feel you could help find his parents?' A small nod and a mumble of 'yes' from Jojo. 'Was that the first time you saw Eyran?'

'Yes — then . But I knew him from before…'

The past again. 'When was that?'

'I don't know — it was a while… a while ago. It's not clear.'

How far back? Lambourne wondered. How many years did it take for events to fade from an eleven year old's memory? Five, six? Even in the unlikely event they had met as children and the memory had now gone — Jojo's memory of losing his parents wouldn't so easily fade. In inventing Jojo, Eyran had simply buried the details in the past — hopefully out of reach.

Lambourne picked his way through some other dreams for Jojo's interpretation, matching symbolism to a list he'd made earlier: The brook and the wheat field: familiarity, home. Loss of parents: shared experience. Crossing the pond and entering the woodland shed: trust. Now he added: wheat clearing. Mirror images, Jojo filling the gaps that Eyran didn't want to face. But trust had quickly given way to dominance: Jojo always led, Eyran followed.

Lambourne tried to draw Jojo out on the failure of the dreams, but Jojo seemed as surprised and disappointed as Eyran. Even as Jojo submitted to the reality he knew Eyran would have to face, relinquished control, his sense of failure mirrored Eyran's disappointment. 'Do the failures in the dreams make you despair — wonder if each time you might face the same disappointment?'

'Yes, sometimes… but when I see Eyran, I feel hopeful again. And I feel I can't let him down.'

'You feel that he expects it of you — expects you to be able to find his parents?'

'…Yes.'

'But how do you feel. Do you feel you can really find his parents?'

Eyran's head lolled slightly, then turned slowly back until he was again facing the ceiling. 'I don't know… but Eyran feels sure I can find them. And he needs a friend to help him. I couldn't leave him on his own.'

Lambourne wondered if that was going to be the pattern: Jojo side-stepping, passing the main responsibilities back to Eyran. 'And you think that your own experience with losing your parents will help?'

'Yes… at least I know how he feels. It seems so… so unfair that it has happened twice.'

Twice? 'You mean — with you and now Eyran. You both experiencing losing your parents?'

'Yes.'

'But you remember so little about your own loss — you said that it was too long ago for you to recall. So how will you be able to help Eyran?' Create doubt, start chipping away at Jojo's dominance , thought Lambourne. He watched intently as Eyran grappled with the thought. Eyran's expression was taut; a muscle pulsed momentarily by his left eye.

'If I went back… perhaps I would remember clearer. Maybe I hope I'll find my parents at the same time… that's why I've returned. Why I want to help Eyran.'

'So you were unable to find your parents when you were there before?'

'No… I never found them.'

The first small admittance of defeat. If he could build on that, get Jojo to admit that he might fail again, then he would be halfway to breaking his hold. 'Do you fear that you might fail with Eyran as well. That you won't be able to find them?'

'Yes… sometimes. But I can't just leave him on his own — give up.'

Lambourne sensed a chink of uncertainty. 'But what if you can't help Eyran find them, in the same way that you have never been able to find your own parents. Eyran believes they're alive — but do you?'

Eyran shook his head, struggling with images he didn't want to accept. 'I don't know… he needs a friend. He's all alone when he's looking for them. I was alone before — I know how he feels. I must be there to help him.'

Lambourne retreated; a direct assault wasn't going to work. Eyran was still clinging, resisting. Jojo continuing to hide behind Eyran's desire to find his parents and take the passive role as just a helping friend. 'What was it that felt familiar about the wheat field? Eyran said that when he saw you in the field in the last dream, you looked sad. Can you remember why?'

'I'm not sure. I just felt alone — deserted.'

'Who had deserted you?'

'I don't remember… it was just a feeling. The wheat field, the water running in the nearby brook… it reminded me of something.'

'Did it remind you of losing your parents? Is that why you were sad?'

'Yes… but I wasn't sure. It was somehow different. I tried to get a clear picture… but it was too far back.'

Again the convenient shield. 'If you went back, do you think you'd remember, the images would become clearer?'

'Yes… I think so.'

The answer threw Lambourne; he'd expected more hesitance and resistance. Why bury the events conveniently in the past, then invite their exposure? Surely the last thing Eyran wanted was him delving back; yet Jojo seemed to be encouraging it. One area where they were in conflict. Lambourne wanted to stay with the present a bit longer, continue exploring the dreams — but he realized the opportunity to go back might not arise again easily. He decided to take the bait, call what he was certain was a bluff. 'So let's go back Jojo… back to where the memories might be clearer.'