Lisa Unger - Darkness My Old Friend

“So there you were with no job, no phone, no car.”

“My credit cards were already close to the limit. I didn’t have much money saved. I’ve never been good with finances, you know? I’ve been living paycheck to paycheck for as long as I can remember.”

So many people were on the edge like this; it just took a single push to send someone’s life into free fall.

“I knew I wasn’t going to be able to make my rent that month. I’d already missed payments over the last couple of years. The management company said they wouldn’t make any more allowances.”

“So… what? You left your apartment and came here?”

He looked out the window at the motel, then at the woman sitting across from him. She was a good mother, a hard worker-at least that’s how she seemed to Jones, just as the motel owner had said. He didn’t like to see it. Jones, same as everyone, wanted to believe that people who fell on hard times deserved it, had made mistakes that led them to a place like the Regal Motel.

“Kevin came to see me. Just when I was at my lowest. Just when I was about to get a ride from a friend and make a scene at his house, call the police.”

“Why wasn’t that the first thing you did?”

“What-call the police? Make a scene?”

“Yeah.”

She looked at him as if he were a moron. “Because of Cole. I didn’t want him to see me freaking out like that. He chose his dad.”

“Or so Kevin said.”

She blinked at him, then looked down at the tabletop. It was clean-spotless, in fact-as though it had just been wiped.

“He asked how I could take care of Cole now with no job and no car. Didn’t I want to see him with a good family, living in a nice house? Didn’t I want to see him go to school? I did. I do want those things for Cole.”

“So you just let Cole go? Even though you had every reason to believe that Kevin had your phone turned off, destroyed your car?”

She didn’t say anything. But she straightened up a bit, turned her dark eyes on him.

“Listen,” she said. “I don’t have anyone. My mom is in a nursing home in Florida; I haven’t been able to afford to see her in over a year. She was a single mother, had nothing to give me but love and encouragement. That didn’t get me into college. If I’d had the money for an education, I might not have spent the rest of my life drifting from one stupid job to another. I wanted Cole to have better than this. He’s smart, way smarter than I am. He deserves a leg up.”

He heard the logic in her words. But he thought they weren’t the words of a fighter. She’d given up on herself. She didn’t think much of herself or her abilities. Perfect prey for someone like Kevin Carr. The sun moved from behind the clouds, and a milky light shone in on them. She turned her face to the window, a flower seeking the sun.

“He was Prince Charming until I got pregnant, every girl’s dream. Handsome, wealthy, intelligent. Beyond that, you never see until it’s too late. It’s not until you get older that you realize only kindness matters, the courage to love and be loved. All the rest of it is a lie.”

In all that time, not a car had passed on the road. No one peeked out from the back of the restaurant to see what she was doing. She seemed small and young. He wanted to take her home and tuck her in somewhere, bring her some tea.

“You want your boy back?” he asked.

She drew in a sharp breath, looked at him with some mingling of hope and fear. “I do.”

He told her about what Paula Carr had said, how she knew that the things Kevin said about Robin couldn’t be true, because Cole was such a good boy. He told Robin how Paula said that Cole was so sad, missed his mother so much.

“It was more than just letting Cole go,” she said. She wiped tears from her eyes with the napkin folded on the table.

“You were afraid of Kevin.”

“Yes.”

“Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head. “It’s not like he gets physical. There’s a strange blankness to him, like he’d be willing to do anything to get what he wants. When he was in my apartment, I was terrified. I couldn’t tell you why. He never threatened me, never put his hands on me.”

Jones knew that it was the blankness that terrifies. When you look into the eyes of the sociopath, either you see the mask or you see the abyss. That’s what’s so frightening, just the absence of anything warm or familiar, anything human.

“Paula was afraid of him, too.” Jones said.

“And now she’s gone,” she said.

Jones felt that angry rise he fought so hard to control. He thought it might be time to pay a little visit to Kevin Carr.

“How long can you stay here?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she said. She wiped her eyes again. “I’m already living on Patty’s good graces.”

“Well, the service here is excellent,” said Jones. He had a hundred dollars in his wallet, his weekly “allowance.” He gave it to the girl; his wife would find this annoying, but not out of character. Besides, he knew she’d do the same thing.

“I can’t take this,” she said. She pushed it back across the table. But he stood up.

“Just stay here until I call you. This should keep you a couple of nights, right?”

She looked at the money sadly. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you so much.”

“I’ll be in touch,” he said, and moved toward the door.

“Are you going to bring him back to me?”

He didn’t like to make promises. The world conspired against the heroic statements he often wished he could make. “I’m going to try.”

They both knew it was the best he could do.

Mercifully, the children slept. It wasn’t late, not yet seven thirty. But they were exhausted. Claire was in her portable crib in the corner of the large room, and Cameron sprawled, belly exposed, on the double bed beside her. The room was okay. Not hideous, clean. She had the shades drawn and the light beside her bed on dim, and she just lay there, looking up at the ceiling. Her parents wanted her to come back home. But she couldn’t do that. She’d taken the children. Legally it was kidnapping. She’d left the family home. There was no evidence of physical abuse. In fact, in their final conflict Kevin had borne the brunt of the injuries. He could say that she’d assaulted him and taken their children. Technically he was right. She had the gun.

It was possible that he had called the police, that even now they were looking for her car. But a kind of numbness had settled over her. She’d been weeping at night after the children went to sleep. The days were hard, drifting from one restaurant to another, finding playgrounds so Cameron could play, nursing Claire in the backseat of the car while Cameron whined and complained in his car seat: Where’s Dad? I want to go back to school. This is the worst vacation ever. Why can’t we go to Disney World again?

But tonight she didn’t have the energy to cry. She had to get strong, think about where they were going. She had a friend in Maine, her old college roommate. They’d reconnected on Facebook last year. Come by and see me anytime you’re in the area! Paula wondered if she’d meant it.

The blue truck had taken Kevin’s right leg out from under him and sent him crashing to the floor. The gun had sailed through the air and landed harmlessly on the couch. She ran for it, but he turned and grabbed her ankle, bringing her heavily to the floor as well, landing hard on her right knee. She heard a snap, ugly and loud, then a rocket of pain up her thigh. He straddled her, sitting on her hips, holding her hands over her head, immobilizing her.

“Paula, let’s talk about this,” he said. The words came through gritted teeth, a horrible grimace.