Laura Cassidy: Angel Kiss

When Des came along, instead of hanging out with me every night, she’d just call to visit me one or two nights a week. And some weeks I wouldn’t see her at all. I was jealous. Then one day, it was coming up to Christmas, Beth cycled down to my house and knocked on my door. She was just back from a trip to England with her parents, visiting relatives. She took out this little egg-shaped thing from her pocket, wrapped in tissue paper, and gave it to me. It was the porcelain egg. She’d brought it back from England for me.

‘I asked her if she wanted to go to the cinema that night – there was a new movie out that I really wanted to see. But she said she couldn’t, that she’d already made plans with Des. Then she asked me if I wanted to go Christmas shopping with her that day. She said she was going to cycle into Carrick to buy presents. I knew she was expecting me to say yes. I knew by the look on her face that she didn’t expect any other answer. So I said no. I said I’d already made plans with my mam and there was no way I could go. We had a fight and she went to Carrick on her own. And that was the night she was murdered. I’ve never forgiven myself for that, Jacki. I’ve never forgiven myself.’

‘You can’t blame yourself, Lydia.’

‘Oh, I blame myself for a lot more,’ she said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Nothing. Forget I said anything. I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this.’

‘You can tell me, Lydia. I won’t tell a soul. I promise. Do you know something?’

‘I…’

‘What do you know?’ I said, my heart beating faster, aware that I might finally get some answers.

‘I know who killed Beth,’ she said, holding back tears. ‘Because… because he tried to kill me too.’

I wasn’t expecting that. I was so shocked I had to sit down.

‘I was sort of going out with him,’ said Lydia. ‘Even though he was meant to be with one of my friends. One day we drove up to the mines and he picked me a bunch of flowers and told me how pretty I was. And then he kissed me. I didn’t want things to move that fast. But he didn’t listen – he just pushed me down on the ground. And I started screaming, but I couldn’t stop him. He was so strong. But then we heard something, someone out walking their dog probably, and he panicked, and he let go. Then he told me if I ever told anyone what happened he’d kill me. And my parents. I believed him, Jacki. I believed him. That’s when I suddenly figured out what happened to Beth. I knew that Des couldn’t have been the one who’d killed her. And I knew she would have got into a car with this person. I knew she would have trusted him. It all started to make sense. But I couldn’t tell anyone. I’ve just blocked it out and kept it to myself all these years.’

‘Who was it?’ I said. My heart was beating so fast that it was almost unbearable.

‘I can’t tell you! Please don’t make me sorry I told you this.’ There was a harsh finality in her voice, but I couldn’t let her stop now, not when I’d got this far.

‘Is he from here?’ I asked. ‘Is he from the village?’

‘Yes.’

‘Lydia, who is it?’

‘That’s all I can tell you. I’m sorry.’

I was so frustrated. But at the same time I felt so sorry for her, so sorry for what she had gone through, what she was going through now. ‘How can you deal with that?’ I asked. ‘How can you live in the same place as him?’

‘I know it’s not ideal, but I’d find it hard to cope anywhere else. I don’t know if Colin has told you… but sometimes I get very down.’

Colin hadn’t mentioned anything about Lydia having depression. But I still didn’t understand how she could live so close to someone who’d threatened to murder her, and who she thought had murdered her best friend.

‘I’m sorry, I can’t tell you any more,’ she said. ‘This man… he’s too well connected. He’ll never get done for it.’

I knocked on Des’s front door. There was no answer. But his van was outside, so I waited. I glanced up and down the street, hoping nobody would see me. Mum would be very upset if she knew I was going to talk to Des, let alone visit him at his house. But I knew he wasn’t a threat now. I believed Lydia. And I needed to hear Des’s side of the story. I wondered if he would even talk to me. I stood there for a few more minutes and eventually he opened the door.

‘Jacki. What are you doing here?’ He didn’t sound mad, just surprised.

‘I need to talk to you,’ I said, shuffling on the doorstep.

‘OK so. C’mon in.’ Des was unshaven and looked exhausted.

I stepped into the hallway.

‘Come into the kitchen,’ he said. ‘Mam is dozing off in the sitting room.’

‘How is she?’

‘She’s a lot better.’

‘That’s good.’

Des was looking at me suspiciously. I would have to get to the point.

‘Why are you here, Jacki?’

‘I wanted to ask you about something. Well, someone, actually. Beth Cullen.’

Des sighed. ‘I know what you’ve heard. But it’s not true. I didn’t kill her.’

We sat down at the kitchen table.

‘Can you tell me what happened? If you don’t mind, of course.’

‘No, I don’t mind. Especially if it’s going to put your mind at ease. It was a long time ago, Jacki. We were very young. She meant everything to me. Her dad, Jim, asked me why I didn’t cry at the funeral. Why I hadn’t cried once since I found out she was murdered. They saw it as an admission of guilt. The fact that I showed no emotion. Truth is I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t accept she’d been taken away from me.

‘I saw her that day, the day she was killed. She was in Carrick buying Christmas presents and I was doing a job in one of the shops. She came up for a minute to say hi to me. I went outside to her. All her shopping bags were in the basket of her bicycle. She told me she’d got me something, but I wasn’t allowed to see it till Christmas Day. Those were the last words she said to me. Since we first started going out, I’d never been apart from her for more than a week. I missed her like crazy. I missed her so much. I wanted to cry. I really wanted to cry. But I just couldn’t let myself. Because if I cried then it would all be real. If I cried, then I’d have to accept it. And I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.’

I felt terrible for Des. This was so upsetting to listen to.

‘Do you have any idea who did it?’ I said.

‘No. None whatsoever. I kept replaying that day in my head, but I don’t remember anything suspicious. The day they found her body was the worst day of my life. Michael Reynolds accused me from the outset. Because of that, a lot of people in this village think I killed her. “ You’re going to hell for this, Des Butler. ” That’s what he said to me. And he was right. My life has been a living hell for the past twenty-five years. The way some people look at me. The hate in their eyes, and the disgust and the fear. I would never have hurt Beth.’

Des sounded so sincere and looked so sad there was no way I couldn’t believe him.

Then he looked up at me.

‘Jacki, I really care about your mum.’

‘I know you do,’ I answered, and meant it. ‘Des, were you up at the house yesterday… in the afternoon?’

‘No, I wasn’t. I’ve finished working there for the moment,’ he said. ‘Where was I… I had to take my mother to the chiropodist in Carrick. Why?’

‘I just thought I saw you… it doesn’t matter. I’d better go. Mum will probably be wondering where I am.’

‘I wish everything could be finally cleared up,’ Des said as he saw me to the door.

I wished for that too.

As I walked along the path towards the Mulveys’ house I felt both relieved and confused. Relieved that Beth and Jane were the same person. It was Beth who I’d followed into the trees, Beth who I’d seen in the café. It all made sense now.