David Dun - Necessary Evil

"You take them in here?"

"There's more than just me taking them, but yes."

"So I'm not sure why that makes me feel so humbled."

"We don't come here in November. And never in a blizzard, I promise you that. So don't bother feeling humbled. And for the walk through the caverns, Grandfather comes to show the way. He knows them better than anyone."

"I keep saying it, but I must meet your grandfather."

They should only use one light where possible, Kier explained, and then they would be assured of batteries for a couple more nights. She desperately hoped they wouldn't be necessary once they were out of the cave. Hunger gnawed at them, making them more susceptible to the dank cold. Even the insulated snow clothes they had taken off the men required a certain amount of body heat to be effective.

After a time, Kier stopped.

''How do you feel?'' he said putting his hand to her forehead.

"I'm dizzy and I've never been so hungry."

"Your hunger will get less with time. It's when it comes again that you really have to eat. You can go days without food. Fortunately you won't have to."

"Let's hold that thought."

At first the drop in elevation was slight; then the path steepened to a downhill hike. Sounds of water dripping came and went. As the passageway became more nearly vertical, it also became more twisted, so that in places it felt like a spiral staircase. In his knees he felt the pounding of the long footfalls and realized how easily she could injure herself. He wondered how long she could walk.

The narrow margins of his light probably made it hard for her to place her next step without stumbling, so he suggested that she use the second light despite his desire to save the batteries.

After walking what seemed a mile or more down into the mountain, the passage leveled out, and they came to a maze of tunnels. Kier paused at each turn, constantly scanning. By developing a habit of always looking, always being conscious of where he was going, he had an extraordinary memory for even the most subtle landmarks. In addition, Grandfather had left piles of pebbles on the main route that could be found about twenty feet before every right turn and at the junction of every left turn. Of course when there were several passages off a large cavern, that method didn't work. In that situation there was either no marker, in which case memory was imperative, or there was a small pile of pebbles at the beginning of the correct passageway.

The primary drawback to this method of navigation was its ambiguity. There were several routes and they crossed one another.

"How do you know where we are going?" she finally asked.

He explained the rules.

''It was better not knowing,'' she said.

At last, they reached another flat where the walking was easier. After two sharp bends and a hundred yards on the level, they came to a rock wall that separated two passages. On the wall was a thirty-foot-long ancient pictograph. Kier shone a light onto the scene that was painted onto the smooth limestone. She stood close to him, in awe of what she was seeing. Multicolored figures, in earth-red, turquoise, and yellow, depicted people or spirit beings. The arms and legs of the figures were represented by three lines, and torsos by four lines.

"They are the sky people or spirit people who affect things here on earth." Kier pointed at certain of the figures that appeared to hover over the landscape.

Below the sky people were the hunters-tiny red men holding spears and rocks, chasing deer or elk. Between the hunters and the sky people was the sun and, to the right, a smaller sphere-the moon. They hunted in the twilight.

"This fellow here, near the hunters, has the ceremonial headdress-that is good medicine." Kier outlined the barely discernible hat. Two imposing figures stood side by side with a radiant halo depicted over their heads. Between the haloed pair stood a smaller figure. "Maybe the small fellow is on a vision quest, and these two spirit figures are standing over him."

"Or maybe they are man and woman. The halo is their love, and the smaller person their child."

"We always thought it was about sacred dreams. Maybe love is your dream."

"I know part of it is about love," she said.

She took two shaky steps to the wall and plunked down in the dirt. Kier took off his pack and set his light on a ledge, directing its rays at the painting. Then he sat close beside her. When he touched her shoulder, guiding her back to recline against him, she did not resist. He knew his large body was much more inviting than the rock. After a moment, his arm went around her, allowing her head to rest against his chest.

"What does it make you think about?" she asked.

"You first."

"My mind feels like it's floating with fatigue, a little like being drunk."

''Where is your mind wandering?''

"You think I'm imagining things when I say those two people with haloes are about love. You think it's because I'm hung up on the subject."

"I never said that. I'm just listening."

She nodded. "I guess I'm just hoping I'm not one dimensional. When I was young I seemed to have so many sides. You know? I felt more than just desire, anger, and satisfaction.

There were really good people back then. Why don't I know any great people anymore? Did they change, or did I?

"You were like a fairy tale come true if my sister was to be believed. Grounded. Got a whole philosophy about life and nature. According to Claudie, you were gentle with everything. She said you had no guile, Kier. I thought maybe all that bigness I knew as a kid could come back when I watched you with the mare. Then you ignored my wishes, dragged me away from civilization, and tricked me, locking me in a wine cellar against my will. So much for the resurrection of my youthful idealism.''

Kier stayed quiet for a while, wanting to deal squarely with his need to reconcile things with her.

"Let's cut through the baloney," he said finally. "The wine cellar isn't the issue. What we're really talking about is this rock-hard inner self of mine that-yes, is stubborn-but more than that, can't consider a white woman as a mate. And we're talking about one more thing. A bigger thing I think."

"What's that?"

"Whatever happened to you, that has you so angry."

"You dragged me around in a blizzard instead of driving to a phone booth."

"But that's not it," he said.

"Are you a mind reader?"

"Is it the divorce?"

"No."

"So what is it?"

''You first. Why do you think I care what you think of white women? You're going to say that I'm somehow attracted to you and that this is some kind of issue with me."

"You're trying to say you're not?"

"Kier, all the problems in life don't revolve around you, for God's sake."

"My unwillingness to be with another white woman, in your mind, is just a rejection of the white man's civilization and ultimately of you. Same with the government. But the reason it bugs you so much-"

"Kier, please spare me. Why are you talking about my feelings? Talk about your feelings. Don't tell me about mine. That's my job."

Kier's anger exploded inside him. He quit talking and sat staring at the dreamers on the wall.

"Okay. Okay. I'll just listen. You talk," she said. "Let's not degenerate. You just talk."

"You're sure?"

"Definitely sure."

"Now I don't know what to talk about," he said.

"Stop stalling before I scream."

"It started with my mother. All my life I have felt my mother's love. Always I have wanted to please her. But more than that, bigger than that, I wanted to be like my grandfather and never betray my heritage. Indian people are being swallowed up. We haven't preserved what is Indian. Often we're not good at what is white. I have gotten along pretty well in both cultures. That's what I was raised to do. But I can't let myself disappear into the white man's world, get fat off peddling Indian mysticism. I almost did that once."