Colin Harrison - The Havana Room

"It's total guts-ball poker," I agreed.

"Total."

"Pretty emasculating to have the father-in-law insisting on the snip job."

"You're telling me." Dan pushed his empty plate away. "So he lines up the ball and gets his grip right, then whacks the hell out of it. The ball disappears. Then he picks up his tee and comes back to me. I'm still sitting on the bench. I haven't moved."

"You've decided to say yes."

"I've decided to say no."

"Really?" This didn't seem like the Dan Tuthill I remembered, always looking for the next cash-pipe to suck on.

"Yeah. I mean, I can't be bought like that! Fuck him! Mindy's got an ass like a wrinkled beach ball! She tries to hide it but I see it anyway. Fucking lowers my testosterone, too! So I'm thinking, a few more years, let the kids get out of school, I can split up and go hunting for these cha-chas I see in the bars all the time." He leaned close again, his eyes sleepy-looking. "You have any idea of the fucking action that's out there, Bill? Even for a fat old shit like me? Their ovaries are calling to them, like trumpets from the mountains! Make us pregnant, make us pregnant, do something about all this es-tro-gen! They can't help themselves, Bill! It's wired in, it's biological. These apartment houses filled with unmarried women? Palaces of estrogen!" He pointed to his chest. "I'm perfect, see. I'm well off, physically unattractive, and in no way marriageable. It's totally counterintuitive, and most women would never admit it. I'm perfect for the woman who needs sex, some kind of sex, but doesn't want to get involved with somebody she might actually get involved with! Do you see that? It's a niche specialty. They all say they are looking for the good guys or the husband types, but those are the guys that freak them out! Guys like me, they know what to do with. See? A few laughs, a few drinks, fuckle you, fuckle me, see you later, I lost your business card, so what, no harm, no foul. Right?"

"Wow." Somehow this sounded harsh, despite my disastrous exit from Allison's apartment that morning.

"The girls are desperate, man! They hate to admit it, and they won't admit it, but it's a fact! So I'm figuring, I get to fifty, I'm single again, I drop eighty pounds, I got ten years of cha-cha to look forward to."

"But your kids," I said, thinking of my son. "It'd kill them."

He waved this away. "I'd let them grow up a bit. They know things aren't so great, anyway."

I didn't want to hear any of this.

He smiled. "So now Mindy's father comes over and says, Well? Like that- Well? I'm going to have some guy, some asshole who left his wife, chop up my testicles? I'm going to live with this woman who drives me nuts, the whole thing? Forget it! What am I, a monkey on a string? Forget the money! I make plenty of money! Fuck him, I can't be bought, right?"

"Right," I said in solidarity.

Dan settled back, rested his hands on his stomach, the matter seemingly as settled as his soup. "So I look up at him, and I say, 'You said two million?' "

"And he says, 'Yes.' "

"And I say, 'Make it three.' "

"What?"

"And he says yes! It's a deal!"

"Wait- what?"

"It's a deal! Three mil! We shook hands! I looked him in the eye! Fact, we both got a little moist about it. He hugged me, even. And it is a deal. I'm good for it. Felt good, in fact, it felt very good, Bill! I know I'm safe now. I'm sort of dead, in fact. The gate closed, the train left the station, whatever. It feels good, too. I can't fuck things up now, because I took the money! I know this, I accept this, okay? And now I feel really, really good."

"So you had the vasectomy?"

"Piece of cake. Sore for a few days, nothing more."

"What about the cha-chas?"

He shrugged. "Whatever. I don't seem as interested."

"Psychological?"

"Probably. Whatever."

I stared at him. Dan's mood was bouncing around so much that I dared not push the conversation much further. "So you asked me to lunch so that you could tell me someone handed you three million dollars on the golf course to get your balls disconnected?"

"No, Bill," he said. "I asked you to lunch because I want to offer you a job, you jerk-weed."

I didn't understand.

"Remember, I had to use the money exactly as he specified. And he specified I take it and open my own firm, a boutique firm. He gave me a whole speech, how I was talented and had great energy and the reason I was fucking around was I'd lost my way, I was swallowed up in a large firm and my talents couldn't shine. I was wasting my time with the cha-chas when I could be building something, something big. He said I would use the three million for seed money, that he knew plenty of bankers who would help me out. It was beautiful. He's a beautiful man, I'm telling you. Wise. Deeply wise. So I'm taking my snip-job money, the partnership buyout, and some other stuff. I've got space on Fifty-third Street, bought out what was left of a dot-com lease. Company crashed and burned, place was empty for a year. The agent practically gave it away, said the original leaseholder was panicked, living off leaves and twigs. So, basically, I stole it. Eight of my long-term clients are coming with me, plus some smaller new ones. I've got some young guys from the firm who want to come with me. All of them can make rain. Plus me." He paused, watching me absorb this scenario. "What I need is a guy who'll look at everything coming in and going out. The young guys don't have the overall background. They can't sit tight, they need action. Which is fine. I'm going to run them like dogs. But I need a guy in the center."

"Someone cheap, too."

"Okay, I admit that. I can't pay big-league money. But it'll be decent. We'll be making the big gravy in a couple of years. I mean, how much are you making now?"

I almost smiled. The salesman in Brooks Brothers that morning had frowned when I discarded my dirty shirt in a trash can on the way out. "Not enough," I said.

Dan knocked his tongue around his mouth. "So, listen, this is a step up, a step back. You can help me, I can help you."

"You have staff, secretaries, fax machines, stuff like that?"

"We're good to go."

"When're you starting up?"

"Tuesday. I should have contacted you earlier, I admit."

A few years back I'd have received this information as an insult. But no longer. He knew I was unemployed. "First choice fell through?" I said.

Dan looked into my eyes.

"Just tell me," I said. "I can take it."

"I had a guy, a great guy, and he said yes, but he got another offer last week. I'd sent him the contract but he hadn't signed it. He totally screwed me. Then I saw you at the game."

"Right."

"You're not offended?"

"Nah."

"Good."

"What are you going to pay me, Dan?"

He told me. Considering my experience, it was nickels and dimes. Considering I was a homeless, unemployed drifter trying not to get arrested for moving a dead body, or worse, it was pretty good.

"You've got to do better than that," I said.

"I'll knock it up twenty-five percent in nine months once we get some cash flow."

"Knock it up twenty now, twenty in nine months, or take your chances with the next guy you meet at a basketball game."

He looked at me. "That's a little rich."

"You're the guy getting three million clams on the sixth tee."

"Fifteen percent now, twenty more in nine."

"Twenty now, fifteen in nine," I said.

"Deal."

"Deal."

We shook hands. He went into the further particulars of the job, the setup, the address, everything, but I only half listened, so happy was I to be back in the world. "This'll get you started," he said, reaching into his briefcase.

"You brought paperwork? You knew I'd say yes?"

He only smiled. I glanced at the materials, eager to familiarize myself with the cases and clients he was bringing with him. I remembered several- in the torpor of litigation they hadn't progressed far in the intervening years- but most were new and reminded me again of the basic conflict built into all human activity; in front of me were torts for nonpayment, breach of contract, nonperformance, illegal competition, copyright infringement, patent infringement, and product failure. The legal language did not really disguise the bile and greed and hatred accumulating in each case, but at least the entities and individuals were fighting through civilized means, not kidnapping and intimidation.