Colin Harrison - The Havana Room

"Oh, stop that," came a voice again.

"Besides, we don't even know what sex this fish is, assuming it's not obviously pregnant. Ha, isn't that right? Can you tell by just looking?"

He shook his head. "Very messy to find out."

A general murmur followed. The room was becoming impatient. "Gentlemen," Allison called loudly, "there's more I need to tell you. Please listen closely to what follows."

The room quieted.

"Those of you with better short-term memories will recall what I said earlier- that compared to eating regular fugu fish the effects of eating Shao-tzou are different and various. The Shao-tzou offers three recipes for pleasure. The Chinese translation of these are Sun, Moon, and Stars. This is where the skill of the chef is paramount, gentlemen. The Sun effect involves more toxin from the fish's kidneys, the Moon involves more from the liver, and the Stars more from the brain. Now then, what does that mean? With the Sun portion, the diner remains nearly paralyzed and senses great heat, waves of it moving up and down the spinal column. The Moon portion is said to involve a perception of darkness interrupted by a moving luminescence, almost like a moon rising and falling in the night. And the Stars portion, which is always served last, involves a feeling of soaring, spinning, and tumbling, a kind of uncontrolled flying, which probably reflects some kind of disturbance to the nerves traveling from the inner ear to the brain.

"I know this sounds wonderful. It is. But I need to tell you a few more things. We only allow our diners one portion of this fish, ever. I keep a list of the names, in fact. There are two reasons. The first is that the toxins have differential rates of clearance from the body, depending on the health and age of the man who has eaten it, especially from the liver. Many of you are in your forties and fifties, and despite the fact- or indeed, because — you are, as one and as a whole, successful and charming and sexy and terrific, your livers are not what they used to be. Many of you are taking cholesterol medication, blood pressure pills, and so on, to say nothing of whatever drinking you might be doing."

"Don't say nothing of it," replied one wit, "it's the drinking that keeps me alive."

"And that's what we want to do, too," replied Allison, not missing a beat. "Short of an enzyme liver test, we are in no position to be able to know how fast or slow your liver clears the poison that you might so happily send it. If you ate the fish again, even a few weeks later, it is possible that the disease would cause permanent damage or death. And that we do not want."

"You said there were two reasons. What's the other one?"

Allison nodded. "The other reason is that it is said that eating the Shao-tzou fish is, or can be, for certain individuals, highly addictive. You may remember I used the word enslaving earlier."

"Addicted to fish?"

"Addicted either physically to the concentrations of the chemical or psychologically to the experience it creates."

"Which is what, again, exactly?"

"Hard to be exact. Patrons describing the experience say they undergo almost complete paralysis, as I said, and within their euphoria, a heightened consciousness of all things- light, sound, the air against their skin. They feel dead yet paradoxically, and exquisitely, alive. Most diners say this- that they felt both alive and dead simultaneously. This seems to be, in retrospect, a very valuable experience for them. A few pass out and wake up with a headache that lasts well into the next day. That could happen to any of you. But those who have a peak experience usually want to repeat it. The problem with being addicted to the fish is that if it doesn't kill you slowly, then it might kill you instantly. Historically, people have been known to eat too large a portion in hopes that the effect will be greater. And it is- they die. There are stories in Chinese literature of nobles stealing each other's portion and falling over dead. Okay, so that's my introduction. It always goes longer than I expect. Now, I'd like to introduce our chef, Mr. Ha, and let him tell you about himself. He will explain how he came to us here in the Havana Room, and then I will come back and say a few things, and then we may begin. Gentlemen, please pay close attention to everything that Mr. Ha has to say."

Ha stepped forward and bowed his head respectfully. I sensed among the men an irritation at this further delay.

"Good evenings every-body. My name is yes, Mr. Ha." He smiled nervously. "I know that sounds like the joke. Ha-ha. Like that. I am from China. I have live here about ten year, so I am not exactly American citizen. But I am very happy here, working for Miss Allison. Now I tell you a story. Before I come to America I live in China all my life and for many of those year I was working for Chinese government. Technically I am working for the People's Republic Army, but that is government in China. I am from the Jiangsu region of China. I was trained in the Jiangsu Institute of Cooking in 1965 and 1966. At this time I go to work in Mao's kitchen in Beijing. My title is deputy assistant inspector of fish. I am learning then everything we know about fish. We learn how to make fish for the diplomats from Soviet Union and North Korea and Cuba. In 1971 I am getting my star chef's hat, so I am official chef of the Chinese government. I am thirty-eight years old. I study Shao-tzou fish. Chairman Mao like this fish. Even though he become very old, he try to have this fish once a month. Mao very careful with this fish. We never make mistake. We clean fish knife after every slice in seawater and vinegar. Then dry in sun every morning. We do it Japanese style, sashi, or chiri, karaage, you know, deep-fry, even hire-zake, very dangerous put fish into hot sake because alcohol make poison travel fast. Also we cook Chinese style in rice and soup. I am very proud doing this for my country. Chairman Mao like my fish very much, say many nice thing to Ha. At this time I remember when Nixon come to China. We joke that we give him Shao-tzou, make him so happy he must die. But that was big joke of course. Mr. Kissinger, everybody say too much trick.

"Then many big thing happen in China. Mao, he die in 1976, China start to change, People's Republic Army change, too, and soon, I am not chef, I am put in office to cook food for factory in small city in western China called Hua Xing, where air is bad because of nickel smelter. I am sent to this city and my children and my wife, they must come and they get dysentery and sad to say now they die. I am a sad man because my children die and my wife has die and I have no good heart. I lost my heart. I spend too much time watching bird, sleep too much in park even though I have good bed. Then I am getting older and I am tired of China. Maybe I am not so old yet but I feel old. Then Deng Xiaoping come to power and I do not know what China is. I know Communism did not work too good but I also do not know new China. So I come to United States, I do not want to say, okay, I come to this country illegally, that is all I say. I never think I am chef again. I come work for Miss Allison. Sweep, fix electric wire, do that. All this big beef is new to me! I never see it before. We do not have this kind of big beef in China at that time. Only some water buffalo. But I say to Allison I know how to cut the fish if she want me to do it. I show her how fillet is done in China and she like this. But I do not have license to be a chef. Then sometime maybe last year I am in Chinatown buying fish for her. I am looking at Chinese fish all frozen. Big bucket, too dirty. Dead fish and dead crabs. No good for you. Fresh fish best. But I see in the dead fish a Shao-tzou. I say it cannot be, I must make mistake. So many year. Shao-tzou very, very hard to find, even in China! Mostly find in rivers. Ugly fish. Shao-tzou mean little pig. But in New York City everything come to city, even funny people I never see before! So why not Shao-tzou fish? Little-pig fish. So, okay, you know, I buy the fish. I think it was three-dollar seventy-five cent even if it is dead. They do not know what fish it is. The woman say she never have see it before. Outside she is Chinese but inside American. Too long in United State. I take little-pig fish to my home and I take very good photograph and I put it in freezer here. Allison not know." He looked at Allison in embarrassment.