Michael Prescott - Shiver

Whatever she did was wrong. If she got good grades she was called a perfectionist, a know-it-all, a smarty-pants; if she let her schoolwork slide, she was accused of being lazy, stupid, undisciplined. When she was quiet, she was told to stop acting so damn sullen; but if she forced a smile and fumbled her way through a joke, she was ordered to pipe down. She tried to please her parents by anticipating their criticism and using it on herself, remarking humbly on her clumsiness and obstinacy. “Show some self-confidence, for God’s sake,” her father would growl. Desperately she complied, fixing her hair and wearing her best dress, then announcing how pretty she looked. “Bragging doesn’t become you, young lady,” her mother would say in a flat scolding tone.

She couldn’t win. There was no way to satisfy them. If she changed her behavior, they changed their standards.

At times her parents, perhaps skewered by guilt, actually found something positive to say about her. The rare, unexpected praise only made things worse. She could have learned to accept any amount of criticism, as long as it was consistent; at least then her world would have been predictable. But switching signals were impossible to live with. She felt like a laboratory rat tortured by electrical stimuli that changed without warning from pleasure to pain. She could never adjust to a universe as plastic and shape-shifting as a nightmare.

And so, gradually, she retreated inside herself, hiding from life. As she grew older, she rarely went out, lost the few friends she’d made, began living vicariously through TV shows and books. She became afraid of people, not just her parents but people in general, all people. They were unpredictable and dangerous. She feared their watchful eyes, their closed faces, their secret judgments.

Yet at rare moments, impelled by some unstated need, she still had dared to reach out for life, to take risks. Small risks, to be sure, like a toddler’s mincing hesitant steps, but risks nonetheless.

Moving to Los Angeles had been the biggest chance she’d taken. After four friendless years at a local college, she kissed her folks goodbye, boarded a DC-10, and watched the Ohio River shrink into the haze of spangles frosting the airplane window. She’d never been sure, then or later, quite why she’d chosen L.A. as a place to relocate. Perhaps because it was a place where people went to start over, a big anonymous place without history or tradition, a place where the past didn’t count. Or perhaps merely because L.A. was about as far from Cincinnati as it was possible to get.

Whatever the reason, she’d chosen to make some kind of stand in this city, to become a new and better person, to leave childhood behind. But making a fresh start was harder than she’d expected; changing her life turned out to be more difficult than changing her address. And childhood, she learned, could not be left behind. Not ever.

The sudden shrilling of the phone on her desk startled her. She blinked, coming out of her reverie, and picked up the handset.

“Communications Department,” she said.

“Communicate with me,” a male voice purred.

“Hello, Jeffrey,” she said, automatically lowering her voice, even though there was no company rule against taking personal calls.

“Hello, dollface.”

Nervously she swiveled around in her chair, away from the doorway of her cubicle. “Don’t… don’t call me that.”

“You like it.”

She didn’t, actually, and she’d told him so, but Jeffrey never listened.

“You doing anything tonight?” he asked.

Silly question. Of course she wasn’t doing anything.

“No,” she answered.

“How about dinner, then? Six o’clock at the Mandarin House?”

“Okay.”

“Remember where it is?”

“I think so. The dragon place, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I remember.”

The dragon in question was a large papier-mache model that hovered over the central part of the restaurant, suspended from the ceiling by what looked like monofilament fishing line. She and Jeffrey had agreed it was the tackiest objet d’art they’d ever seen.

“Look, I’ve got to go,” Jeffrey said suddenly. “I think the key spot is melting the wax fruit. See you.”

He hung up before Wendy could reply.

As she cradled the phone, she found that she was smiling. She was glad Jeffrey had called. Even if he never gave her jewelry or… or much of anything.

With a shake of her head, she brushed that thought aside, then tossed the remnants of her lunch in the wastebasket, shrugged on her coat, and left for her walk. She took a walk every day on her lunch hour; and she always walked alone.

Quickly she made her way through the suite of offices to the reception area, then out into the long gray corridor. The elevator dropped her eight stories to the lobby, a mausoleum in brick and marble, enlivened by a few trees in large planters. She passed by the security guard at the front desk, pulled open the glass door, and stepped outside, blinking at the brightness of the day.

Within a short walk of the high rise was the Century City Shopping Center, an outdoor mall crowded with art galleries, clothing stores, a multiplex movie theater, and three department stores. Bullock’s, Crane’s, and the Broadway. She entered the mall and strolled down the main concourse, passing carts stocked with popcorn, hot pretzels, and cappuccino. A man selling flowers was serenading potential customers with a rendition of “On the Street Where You Live” in a loud, pleasant voice. Pausing to listen to the song, Wendy considered buying herself a flower; she decided against it. Too expensive.

As she reached the section of the mall devoted to restaurants, she encountered crowds of office workers from the nearby high rises. She disliked crowds. On impulse she entered Crane’s, hoping the store would be emptier.

It was. She wandered among the racks of women’s fashions, picking idly at dresses she knew she would never wear. Nearby was a glass display case crowded with wristwatches, cufflinks, rings, bracelets, and necklaces. Necklaces…

She stopped, staring at a necklace of gold squares strung together on invisible thread. It was exactly the sort of thing she’d been wanting for so long. The sort of thing she would have bought for herself in Santa Barbara, if she’d had the courage to go there.

“Oh, God, it’s gorgeous,” she whispered to herself, then glanced anxiously over her shoulder, afraid someone might have heard.

She took a step toward the display case, imagining how it would feel to have that necklace-so beautiful, so luxurious-touching the bare skin of her neck. Her hand rose, trembling, to her throat.

A thought ran through her mind, a crazy thought: How much does it cost?

She shook her head. It didn’t matter. Whatever the price, it was more than she could afford, even if she did pull down thirty grand a year and even if she did have a great deal of it squirreled away in a savings account-such a nice, safe, federally insured place to put your money, a place with no risks, no challenges, no excitement… like the lifestyle of a certain someone she could name.

I’ll think about it, she told herself.

She almost walked out of the store, then stopped, knowing that if she left, she would never come back.

Her gaze returned to the necklace. She touched her purse, silently reminding herself that inside it she would find a Crane’s charge card.

“No,” she whispered. This time she did not look around to see if anyone could hear. “You can’t. It’s crazy. It’s too… too impulsive.”

But that was the whole problem with her life, wasn’t it? She was never impulsive. Here at last was a chance to go a little wild, to buy a costly present for herself on the spur of the moment, for the sheer hell of it-a chance to blow a small chunk of her savings on something utterly impractical, something she didn’t really need, something she just wanted, yes, wanted, in the simple, uncomplicated way an animal or an infant wants food.