Alex Barclay - Blood Loss

‘I’m OK,’ said Ren. ‘I think.’ She pressed her fingers along her eye socket. ‘Ow.’

‘That’s a black eye,’ said Gary. ‘And stitches.’

‘And it didn’t even happen in the line of duty …’ said Ren.

‘It’s your duty to drive well,’ said Gary. ‘What the hell happened?’

‘I … have no idea, I was just pulling out, I didn’t see anything … I didn’t think there was a car there. I don’t know. I’m so sorry, Gary. I can’t believe this. I’ve never crashed in my entire life …’

They both unhooked their seatbelts and got out to check the damage.

‘It’s not a Safe Streets car, that much I know,’ said Gary. ‘I’ll call it in.’

‘Thank you. I’m so sorry.’

‘Let’s get you to a hospital, get checked out,’ said Gary.

‘No,’ said Ren. I want to curl into a ball and cry.

‘Come on,’ said Gary, ‘let’s get you fixed up.’

Tall order, Mr Dettling. Tall order.

Ren sat on the sofa in Annie Lowell’s house with a glass of water in her hand and a packet of painkillers minus four beside her. The doorbell rang. She went into the hall and opened the door to Ben Rader.

‘Wow,’ he said.

‘I know,’ said Ren. ‘Not the prettiest of pictures.’ Six dissolvable stitches had zipped her cheek wound closed. She had a black left eye.

‘Does it hurt?’ said Ben.

‘Not when numbed by narcotics, no.’

He gave her a long hug. ‘You’re my height again,’ he said. He glanced down at her bare feet.

‘Don’t get used to it,’ said Ren. She kissed him. ‘Thank you so much for coming, so late.’

‘Of course I was going to come,’ he said. ‘I was worried about you. How was Gary?’

Ren made a face. ‘Not my pal.’

‘It was an accident,’ said Ben. ‘Accidents happen.’

‘I wasn’t really paying attention,’ said Ren.

‘I didn’t come over here to listen to you beat yourself up. I actually came here to be your knight in shining armor. Even though I know I won’t even get sex in return.’

‘What makes you think that?’ said Ren.

Ben walked down the small hallway. ‘It’s such a cool place,’ he said. He turned back to her. ‘But I came to the conclusion last time I was here that we would never have sex under this roof.’

Ren laughed.

‘It would be too weird, right?’ said Ben.

‘How do you even know that I’d think that?’ said Ren.

Ben shrugged. ‘Same as I know I bet your bedroom here is pink and frilly.’

‘Frilly — I love it.’ Did he go up into my room?

‘And before you ask, no, I did not snoop up there.’

Freaky.

They went into the living room and Ben sat on the sofa. Ren stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling bookshelves.

‘I was looking for a book to read on the flight,’ she said. She checked her watch. ‘Which is about four hours away.’ She crouched down. ‘This is an amazing collection.’

She slid a small, blue-covered hardback from one of the shelves.

‘I was expecting a cloud of dust,’ said Ben. ‘That was kind of an anti-climax.’

‘Em, you have noticed that the place is clearly cleaned maniacally every week?’

‘I’m not saying the place is dirty,’ said Ben. ‘Just — it’s an old bookshelf, like something out of a movie. Or maybe a book …’

Ren smiled. She stood up, and opened the cover. She read the inscription, holding her hand to her heart.

‘Oh my God,’ she said.

‘What?’ said Ben. ‘Is it worth millions of dollars?’

‘Annie’s been a widow most of her life,’ said Ren. ‘She adored her husband, never looked at another man since he died.’ She held up the book. ‘He obviously sent her this as a gift,’ said Ren. ‘In 1952. He must have been away somewhere.’ She looked up at Ben. ‘If I read this out loud, I may not make it to the end, I’m warning you.’

To my beloved Annie,

Since we met, I don’t know the measure of anything. Folks talk of the beauty of a golden sunset, or the joy of sweet birdsong on a summer morning, or the wonder of a roaring waterfall.

But you are beautiful, Annie, and you are wonderful, and you are joyful. Is there any more beauty or joy or wonder to spare?

If there is, the answer is two months and four days away. For the golden sunsets, the sweet birdsong, and the roaring water will come to life for me only when you are by my side, only when they can draw from your endless reserves.

My dearest Annie, just as you are beautiful, wonderful and joyful, I am thankful and I am grateful.

Your ever-love,

Edward

Ren sat down on the sofa beside Ben. He put his arm around her. He didn’t say a word. He leaned forward, and pulled a Kleenex from the box on the table in front of them.

Ren took it from him. ‘Thanks,’ she said.

‘That was for me,’ said Ben.

Ren laughed through the tears.

‘I’m serious,’ he said. ‘You’re a heartless one.’

She looked up at him. ‘I thought you were joking,’ she said. ‘You sensitive soul.’

‘But, love is amazing,’ said Ben.

There’s a lot to be said for an untroubled man.

‘I slept with someone else,’ said Ren.

Ben looked at her. ‘Really?’

‘Yes,’ said Ren. ‘And I feel terrible about it.’

‘Why?’ said Ben.

‘Why did I do it or why do I feel terrible?’ said Ren.

‘Why do you feel terrible?’

Uh-oh . ‘Because … of you.’

‘Well, don’t,’ said Ben.

‘OK, but I can’t help it,’ said Ren.

‘Who was it?’ said Ben.

‘Someone from before,’ said Ren. ‘Someone … I had unfinished business with.’

‘Did sleeping with him finish the business?’ said Ben.

‘Yes,’ said Ren, ‘the business is wound up, the shutters are down, the auditors have been and gone, there were rumors of fraud, but it turns out it was ultimately unfounded, and really, the business never stood a chance, and was probably only two silent partners who had more important businesses elsewhere, but were loyal to their little start-up that never really started-up.’

‘Is there potential for a new start-up, do you think?’ said Ben.

‘I do think,’ said Ren.

Ben smiled. ‘Good.’ He paused.

‘How come you’re cool with this?’ said Ren.

‘Because I know why you did it.’

‘Well, I don’t …’

‘Because you like me, and you don’t really want to, so sleeping with someone else was your way of seeing how you really felt about me, or him, or both of us … I don’t know …’

Ooh.

He smiled. ‘Rader: 1. Louderback: 0.’

‘Oh, God,’ said Ren. ‘Take that to your grave.’

‘It’s in a grave, trust me.’

‘I do,’ said Ren.

‘Paul Louderback, though … I don’t really get it.’

Ren laughed.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Ben. He took her hands and looked her in the eye. ‘It’s OK to care about someone. No-one’s going to die.’

Shut. Up. ‘I know. Thanks. And I really am sorry. It’s just … that letter was beautiful, and I …’ … am not. And I love that kind of love. And I need everything to be perfect and if it isn’t … I can’t bear it. I can’t believe in it. It scares the crap out of me. I need you to know what you’re letting yourself in for. I can’t have you thinking I’m better than I am. Because I’m a piece of shit. And really, you should know better. And weren’t you trained to have better instincts? And …

Ben kissed her, and took her in his arms. ‘There’s no need to sabotage this.’