Alex Palmer - Blood Redemption

‘I thought it would be. There will be people who’ll blame me for this. I can hear now what they’re going to say.’

‘They shouldn’t. She’ll be the last person to agree with them if they do.’

‘They will. They always do.’

‘I won’t be one of them,’ Grace said, shaking her head.

‘I’m going to recover,’ Agnes said. ‘I am going to go back into practice, even if it’s only for a few days or even hours a week. I have to. It’s the only thing I can do from here.’

‘You’ll do it, then,’ Grace replied gently. ‘You’ll show them.’

Matthew Liu wanted to see her alone before she left and they went into a small, private room. His face was as thin and hollow as it had been the last time she had seen him.

‘I saw you on TV,’ he said. ‘You went in there and you talked to her?’

‘Yes, I did,’ Grace replied and, in saying this, realised that she had crossed a boundary, that something about her had changed fundamentally.

‘What was she like?’

‘Small. Very small, just like you said. And very, very young.’

‘Did she really tell you she wished she hadn’t done it?’ he asked, unbelieving.

‘She did. And she meant it,’ Grace replied.

‘And she said that to you?’

‘Yes, she did.’

‘Is she mad? I can’t see it.’

‘She’s nowhere you can connect to. Where she comes from is not somewhere you want to go.’ Grace was surprised to hear herself sounding like Harrigan. ‘She’ll do whatever she does with herself but you mustn’t let that touch you in any way at all. You can’t let her destroy your life. Today’s your very first day, Matthew. It’s the first day of your life. You have to start from here.’

He broke down, shouting and picking up a chair and smashing it against the wall, and then weeping furiously. Grace stayed with him for as long as he wanted to cry before seeing him repair himself and go back to his mother’s bedside. She needed to do this for herself, it took her out of her own head. She left them sitting together as the day finished.

She left the hospital and, in the evening dark, sat in her car in the car park. In the darkness, she remembered the flash of white light she had seen as the bullets had crashed past her head and into the thick wooden door behind her that morning. If they had hit her, she would never have seen that light. The shaky memory of almost not being here rubbed like Velcro against the sense that she was here at this minute in time, still breathing, still thinking. A middle-aged man walked past her on his way to his own car and she watched him without curiosity. She had been changed by the morning, she could hardly describe how, only that now everything seemed brighter and sharper, more urgent. She took out her mobile and made a call.

‘Hello, Paul?’ she said to his answering machine. ‘It’s Grace here. I thought you’d like to know that I’ve just talked to Matthew. He’s not good but he’s okay, I guess. He’s better than he was, which is something. I’m going to come and see him tomorrow as well. Anyway, I thought — if you wanted to — maybe you’d like to catch up with me some time. Since we’re not working together any more, maybe we could go and have coffee or something. If you want to see me. Why don’t you call? Up to you. Bye now.’

Yes, it’s up to you, Paul. If you want me or my company, you can call me. Otherwise life was too short, just as Louise had said. Grace drove back to her flat, too exhausted to think of sleeping, ferociously hungry, jangled in her mind and no good for anything except solitude.

It took Harrigan longer than usual to get to Cotswold House, the traffic had been caught in a grid caused by uprooted trees and stranded cars. Susie greeted him at the door.

‘Toby’s waiting for you,’ she said. ‘He hasn’t eaten yet. We thought you might want to eat with him. Would you like to do that?’

‘A meal would be a life-saver just now, Susie,’ he said. ‘Thanks.’

She smiled and was gone.

When Harrigan walked into Toby’s room, he was at his computer, surfing between news outlets.

Hi dad

‘Hi, Toby. How are you?’

I’m ok Wot about u??

‘I’ve felt better, mate. I’m glad the day is over and I’m still here to talk about it, and that just about everyone else is too,’ he replied.

He stood behind Toby, massaging his son’s shoulders, relaxing his own shoulders as he did so.

‘You’ve heard all about it, haven’t you?’

Yeah amp; Louise mailed m 2

‘Yeah, I asked her to do that.’

Wot happens in gaol dad???

‘Nothing very nice,’ he said, frowning a little. ‘Nothing we can do anything about just now.’

Is it like being me???? Being locked up like that???

‘I don’t know, Toby. All I can tell you is there’s nothing weak about that girl. She can look after herself and I’m sure she will. I don’t know if gaol is going to be too much different to the life she was living.’

He thought she would still be in the same space, just between four walls.

It has 2 be different dad Coz she won’t be able 2 move The wholecity was where she used 2 live Do u think she can talk 2 me from gaol???

‘We can try and organise something for you if that’s what you want.

You still want to do that? I can help you. I’ll do what I can.’

Yeah I want 2 talk 2 her If she’s locked up I can help her throughit I know wot it feels like 2 be locked up like that I can talk 2 her There was silence. Harrigan’s hands worked at the muscle of his son’s shoulders until Toby gave him a little shake to say stop. He stood looking at the screen over his son’s shoulder.

I don’t see the point dad Gaol I mean Is it going 2 prove anything4 Lucy 2 be there?????

Harrigan smiled, more from exhaustion than anything else.

‘No, mate, it’s not,’ he replied. ‘It’s not going to prove anything and it’s not going to change anything either. But right now, it’s all that’s going to happen. Maybe she’ll change in time, that’s up to her. But she knew, Toby. She knew exactly what was going to happen today.

Maybe she’ll talk to you about it.’

She will She’s always honest with me U can’t say she wasn’t

‘No, that’s true, she was. And that is something she is. She doesn’t lie. Do you want to eat now? I’m famished.’

Yeah

They ate in the dining room. Susie joined them, helping him to feed Toby, talking with them. They did not mention the day’s events.

Afterwards, he helped put Toby to bed, settling his son down into some physical comfort. Harrigan was too stressed to stop and rest himself. Susie offered him coffee but he refused, needing something stronger. He drove to a bar in the city, a place he went sometimes when he needed the paradox of solitude in company. Here, he drank two neat whiskies quickly. Out of force of habit, he called in to check his voice messages, to see if there was anything he needed to know about.

The barman appeared in front of him just as he hung up.

‘Another one?’ he asked.

‘No, thanks,’ Harrigan replied. ‘That’ll do me.’

Outside in the car park he rang her, but her mobile was turned off and he did not want to talk to her answering machine. He stood beside his car with his hands on his hips, thinking for some moments. ‘Why not?’ he said to himself and then drove to an all-night chemist where he bought mouthwash, something he loathed, and rinsed until he thought the taste and smell of whisky was gone. He drove to Bondi, through a city still littered with the effects of the morning’s storm, houses with broken roofs and windows, barriers fixed around holes in the roads. He parked in the street outside her block of flats. There was a light on in the unit he guessed would be hers, but when he rang the buzzer no one answered. Various thoughts — that she had other company or did not want to talk to anyone just then, least of all him