Alex Palmer - Blood Redemption

‘I’ve got a heater for you. I thought it’d be cold in here,’ he said.

‘Yeah, it is pretty fucking cold, Stevie,’ she replied. ‘Thanks.’

He stood hesitantly in the doorway as she plugged it in.

‘Were you talking on your phone just now?’ he asked.

‘Yeah. But it’s no one worth talking about.’

‘Want your tea?’

‘Yeah.’

He went outside and picked up a plate of food from a sideboard in the hallway.

‘What’s Dad doing now?’ she asked as he handed it to her.

‘Mel’s given him his shot for the night so he’s pretty out of it. Please don’t ask about anything now, Luce. Wait till tomorrow when you’ve both calmed down a bit. I’ll have a talk to him and see if I can’t sort something out. You told me you wouldn’t argue with him.’

‘Did you tell them I was working in a shop?’ she asked.

‘What?’

‘Did you tell Mum and Dad I was working in a shop?’

‘Lucy, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Not now, okay?

Look, I’m not going back to work until this is over. I’m going to be home tomorrow and you can talk to me then if you want to. But I’m too tired now,’ he said, and was gone.

Lucy shut the door and pushed her bedside table against it. She turned off the overhead light and sat at her desk next to the heater, which filled the room with the odour of burning dust as the bars glowed with red heat. Liar, liars, liars, she said to herself as she logged on, thumping the keys. Everyone lies, don’t they? Fucking, fucking bastards, that’s all any of them are. Why do that to me, Dad? Did I ever do anything to you?

Between mouthfuls of Melanie’s food, she went out on the Net, in search of Turtle, moving into their own particular space where she usually met him.

Turtle, are you out there? It’s me, Firewall.

Are u there at last????? I’ve been here all day Where have ubeen?

You don’t want to know.

Don’t joke I do

No, you don’t. Because I’m right down here in the dirt now. Right here in the shit. We don’t ever treat each other like this. It’s like we’ve always said — we always talk to who we really are, don’t we? No lies, nothing like that.

Yes we do Heart 2 heart Mind 2 mind That’s wot we always do It’swot we’re always going to do

You talk turtle to me, don’t you? You never lie to me?

No Firewall I dont lie 2 u I never have I trust you, Turtle, I do. Have you told anyone about this?

No

Well, you can. If you want. You don’t have to carry this by yourself.

You can tell whoever you want.

Yeah? Well u tell me first Wot do we do????? Before I tell anyoneabout u why don’t u tell me?? Wot now??? Because that has got 2

come from u No one else can decide that In her room, Lucy lit a cigarette.

I’ve got to sort out a few things first.

Are u going 2 tell me wot?

Family things, mainly. A few things for myself with my dad.

Why? Firewall don’t do that 2 yourself Don’t waste your time Yourdad = 1 big fat 000000 He is not worth ruining your life 4 That’s yourrevenge on him My dad says that U dont let them hurt u Otherwiseall u do is hurt yourself

It’s not just him. I’ve got a friend I’ve got to think about too. I’ve got to make sure he’s okay before I do anything else. But the thing is I don’t know how. I’ve got my gun but I’m stuck back home again and I don’t how I can use it to help him. You know, I feel so … Do you still think I should go to the police?

Yes I do I do. Because maybe they can help your friend Sitting at her desk, Lucy laughed aloud.

I don’t think so. They’re the last people to do that. But I am going to go public, Turtle, one way or the other. Whether I go to the police or the media, I don’t know yet.

Why media????

So everyone will know why I did what I did. I’ve got to explain it to them.

U really think they care Firewall? Really think they care???????

They won’t understand where u are coming from U have to see thatIt won’t change how they think about u

They can’t ignore me. Not after this. I wasn’t killing for the sake of killing someone. That’s what she does, she kills. I’m protecting people. So no one has to go through what I went through.

Not your job

If it’s not mine, then whose is it? Don’t say the police again because all they ever do is bash you up. And don’t say they don’t. I know they do, because I’ve seen them do it.

Lucy waited.

Turtle, are you there? Have I lost you?

I’m still here Firewall u can’t think like that U don’t kill people U

know wot people say about me? They come up 2 my dad and theyask him why didn’t he let me die when I was a baby They say it infront of me They don’t think I can hear them Wot’s the fuckingdifference??? Killing me and killing her?

She was evil. You’re not.

Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit amp; I don’t believe u think like that U tell mewhat u think 4 real U tell me that

Do you really want to know? I wish I’d never shot either of them, Turtle. I really do. Maybe I could’ve lived with just shooting her. I don’t know. But shooting that man, I wish, I just wish I’d never done that.

It’s as simple as that. I told you it was simple from the start. It’s just that there’s nothing I can do about it now.

You got 2 go 2 the police Go now!!!! Just call them I can’t. Not now, not yet. I just can’t …

Before Lucy could type any more, Turtle stopped her. Endfirewall, their emergency close-down signal, flashed across her screen. She backed out quickly and found herself on his home page.

It was a dazzling place: seas of high glass-blue Japanese waves with the wind blowing the foam back, seagulls swirling about the sky, and a small boat with transparent sails, sailing into the bright red sun. A figure in the boat waved and smiled out of the screen. ‘Hi, I’m the Turtle,’ the figure said as he sailed against a bright sky.

Then the image dissolved into a photograph of a boy in a wheelchair with the written words: Hi, I’m Toby Harrigan. I callmyself the Turtle, because I’m like a turtle on its back when I’m outof my wheelchair. I can’t move at all then except to shake my handin the air, but out on the Net I can do what I want. I can sail, fly,do anything. Come and talk turtle to me because inside I’m justlike anybody else. The buttons, Meet Me, Meet My Family, Life at Cotswold House, Why I am the way I am, flickered into being one after the other but Lucy had other places to go. She wanted to work on her own site and slipped away out of cyberspace, taking the precaution of working offline on her own machine where no one could disturb her.

The kaleidoscope of her interior world opened out and she immersed herself in its electronic images, unwinding the tension in her neck, assuaging some of her grief and reducing the world outside to a succession of shadows. As she worked, she passed quickly over her representations of Dr Agnes Liu. Lucy was looking only for consolation.

‘What’s all this?’

Toby felt his father’s hands on his shoulders, the familiar light pressure of the heel of his father’s palm on the muscle, it was their greeting. He knew his father’s individual odour, a tinge of sweat mingled with his familiar aftershave. His father’s presence, the sound of his voice, and the touch of his hands soothing the twisted muscle down Toby’s spine, were his first memories. His good hand flickered over his custom-made keyboard with its built-in mouse but it was too late to close the window. His father was reading aloud from the screen.