Stuart MacBride - Close to the Bone

‘It’s so unfair. .’ Ma Stewart leaned against the betting shop counter, fanning herself with her gossip mag as Dildo staggered out to the van under the weight of half a dozen cardboard boxes. ‘We’re only trying to give the old folks something productive to do.’

Logan unscrewed the pommel from a counterfeit pricking knife and ran his thumb across the minute triangular blade. Sharp. ‘Where did you get the designs from? ’

‘You don’t want them just mouldering away in a retirement home, do you? They need something to focus on.’

‘Knives, costumes, swords, badges, books. . They’re all identical to the film props, so someone must be slipping you the plans on how to make them.’

Ma puckered her scarlet lips. ‘I have my sources.’

‘Someone in the props department? ’

‘Surely we could come to some sort of arrangement? If I can’t sell the merchandise, I can’t pay my people. That’s not what you want, is it? Them going home empty-handed after putting in so much work? ’

‘Who — did — you — get — the — designs — from? ’

A big sigh swelled her cleavage again. ‘All right, all right. Since it’s you: I had a contact on the inside. A lovely girl who wanted to help my pensioners. Pretty little thing, and so polite! Shame about her boyfriend. .’

‘It was Agnes Garfield, wasn’t it? You’re the reason she was stealing stuff from the set.’

‘She did not “steal”. She borrowed .’ Ma raised her chin, dragging ripples with it. ‘Agnes adores those books, she just wants to make sure people can hold a bit of it in their hands. It was her idea to use my ladies and gentlemen, so they’d have something to do, and a bit of spending money to brighten up their old age.’ A tear sparkled in the corner of Ma’s eye. ‘She didn’t even want a cut of the profits. But I insisted: I said to her, I said, “It’s only fair you get your share. We couldn’t do it without you.” We’ve still got her money sitting here. Personally , I wouldn’t be surprised if she gives it all to charity.’

Dildo marched back in through the shop’s front door, and out through the rear again.

‘Why can’t more people be like that, Sergeant McRae? Selfless and giving? ’

And psychotic, and delusional, and dangerous. .

‘How do you get in touch? ’

A smile. ‘We phone her, silly. Everyone has a mobile these days. My Norman calls me on mine all the time, ever since he split up from Marcus. So sad. They made a lovely couple, but it’s Bobbit and Rascal I feel sorry for. .’

Mobile. Worth a go. ‘What’s her number? ’

‘No one ever thinks of the terriers, do they? ’ Ma slipped on a pair of half-moon spectacles and peered into a thick address book, lips moving as she scanned her finger across the page. ‘Here we are. .’

Logan copied it down into his notebook. It wasn’t the one Agnes’s parents had given them, so it looked as if Chalmers was right: she’d ditched the old phone and bought herself a brand-new pay-as-you-go. ‘Call her.’

A frown. ‘And say what? That the police are here and they want to speak to her? I don’t think she’ll like that.’

‘Just. . Call her and tell her you’ve got something from the film company waiting for her. Tell her someone dropped it off, specially for her.’

‘Who? ’

‘I don’t know: someone who wants to remain anonymous? ’

‘Tsk. .’ Ma shook her head, making everything wobble. ‘For a man, you’re a terrible liar.’

She took out her phone and punched in the number, then let it ring. And ring. And ring. . ‘Hello? Rowan, it’s Ma Stewart, how are you?. . Oh, you know, the usual. Can’t complain. . Yes. .’ She put her hand over the mouthpiece and winked at Logan. ‘It’s her.’ Then back to the phone: ‘I don’t think so, dear, but I’ll check. . Yes. . Listen, I’ve still got your first share of the proceeds sitting here, and Peggy’s knitted a lovely cardigan for you. You know, like the one Rowan wears in the tower-block scene?. . Yes, that’s right. It looks smashing. And did you know it’s her birthday today?. . I know!’ A long pause, with lots of nodding. ‘Yes, no, twenty minutes will be lovely. I’ll save you some cake.’

Then Ma hung up and smiled at him. ‘There we go. All sorted.’

Twenty minutes. ‘Thanks.’ Logan hurried out through the door to the car park, already dialling Steel. ‘We need an Armed Response Unit: Agnes Garfield’s coming in.’

‘ Laz, I’m no’ in the mood for jokes. Bad enough I’ve got Bell and Leith taking swings at each other like drunken- ’

‘She’s going to be at Ma Stewart’s place in about twenty minutes.’

‘ For real? ’

‘Positive.’

A pause. ‘ Now that’s more sodding like it! We nab her, we tell those Weegie bastards to stuff their case review up their fundament, then we go down the pub and booze it up till we can’t stand. Ha! Hold on, I need to go tell the ACC. He’ll cream his frilly pink undies. ’

Five minutes later Steel was back on the phone. ‘ We’re screwed. ’

‘Already? How did-’

‘ Can’t get a firearms team to you in twenty minutes. It’ll take at least half an hour — silly sods are doing a training exercise in Fraserburgh and took the armoury keys with them. ’

Logan checked his watch. ‘Fifteen minutes now.’

‘ Can you no’ get her to come back later? ’

‘Yeah, why don’t I do that. And maybe I can ask her to bring some biscuits for when we arrest her? ’ He took a couple of paces towards the van, then back again. Time to improvise. ‘OK, forget the firearms team. Far as we know she’s probably got a knife, but that’s it. Sim’s got her stab-proof vest and a thing of pepper-spray. We’ll be fine.’

‘ We’re scrambling every patrol car we can find. She’ll- ’

‘A bunch of cars hammering through the streets with blues-and-twos going? That’s not going to scare her off, is it? Plainclothes only: stick to the speed limit, nothing flashy.’

A grumble came from the other end of the phone. ‘ Fine. But when you get back, you and me are going to have a wee chat about the chain of command. In the meantime, you’re no’ to do anything stupid. Like let her get away. ’

‘I know.’

‘ I’m serious, Laz! Mr Fuckup is not coming to visit, understand? ’

‘OK,’ Logan downed the last of his tea and put the cup and saucer on the nearest workbench, ‘so I hide under the counter out front. We wait till she comes through to the back of the shop, then Dildo blocks the back door, I block the front, and Sim tackles Agnes. Any questions? ’

The counterfeiting room was virtually empty — all the merchandise loaded into the back of Dildo’s council van. The OAP workforce was squeezed into Ma’s office, complaining about not being able to sit down, and what did that poor Garfield girl ever do to deserve getting pounced on?

Logan closed the door on them. Now it was just him, Dildo, and Constable Sim.

Sim sniffed. ‘You sure we shouldn’t get them out of the building? ’

‘Agnes would see them milling about and know something was up. You got your pepper-spray? ’

A lopsided smile. ‘She’s an eighteen-year-old girl, Guv, not Genghis Khan.’

Logan’s phone rang: the Beatles and ‘Octopus’s Garden’. He pulled it out. ‘Dave, I’m kind of busy, so-’

The psychologist’s voice was clipped. ‘ Do you not think you could’ve asked before clogging up my inbox with three hundred and sixty-two emails? ’

Ah. . ‘Look, I just need you to work your magic and tell me which of them are deluded and which are genuinely dangerous.’