P. Parrish - South Of Hell

“She’s my girlfriend,” Louis said.

Lily lowered her hot dog and wiped her lips with the napkin. “Momma thinks black men ought to marry only black women,” she said softly.

Louis crumpled the food wrappers and stuffed them inside his empty cup, then took a long look over at the market across the street, completely lost for anything to say. Who was he to pass along his philosophies on race and relationships to a child he had no part in raising?

He looked back at her. “I understand why your mother feels that way,” he said gently. “But we can’t always help who we fall in love with, Lily.”

Lily began to wrap up her papers. Louis watched her, sure she was still bothered by the idea of Joe and maybe the idea of having to tell Kyla that there was a white woman in Louis’s life. And he had the horrible feeling that maybe this would be their last meeting.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Lily asked.

“Sure.”

“There’s a boy at school,” Lily said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening. “His name is Kurt Vanderloop. He’s ten. He likes me, but I don’t think I’m allowed to like him back.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s white.”

Louis leaned over the picnic table and gently covered Lily’s small hand with his. She didn’t pull away.

“Liking people is about what you feel in your heart,” he said. “Not about what you can see with your eyes. And I think if you explained it to your momma like that, she might understand it better.”

“I don’t know about that,” she said.

Louis smiled. “Well, she let you make the decision to see me,” he said. “I have a feeling she’ll let you make some other decisions, too. You have to trust her to do that, okay?”

“Okay.”

He sat back and looked again toward the street. He wanted to take a walk, but Channing’s cruiser was gone, probably on a call. Louis wasn’t sure they should leave.

“Can I ask you another question, Louis?”

“Sure.”

“Do I have more family on your side?”

Her pale gray eyes were steady on his. In them, he could see the same look he had seen sometimes on Amy’s face when she spoke of finding her mother. That odd little look of hunger, a hunger for connection to your past, a hunger to know where you had come from. A hunger he had never acknowledged in himself, despite the fact that he kept a picture of his father in his drawer. One he usually looked at only through the amber glow of a brandy bottle.

“Yes,” he said. “I have a half-brother and sister.”

“Where do they live?”

“Mississippi, I think,” he said. “I…”

Hell, there was nothing to say here but the truth.

“I haven’t seen them since I was seven,” he said. “The three of us were split up and put in foster care. Do you know what that is?”

“Yes,” she said. “Daddy told me about it. Why did that happen to you?”

“My mother got sick.”

“And you had no grandma or anyone else who could take care of you?”

Louis rubbed his brow. “No.”

Her face wrinkled with a mix of sympathy and pity. He didn’t like the idea that an eight-year-old felt sorry for him.

“I had good foster parents,” he added. “Right here in Michigan. I was fine.”

“And even when your momma got sick, your father didn’t come back for you?”

“No.”

“Couldn’t you have called him or something?”

Louis sighed. “Truth is, Lily, I wouldn’t have known where to call,” he said. “I’ve never even met him. He left my mother before I was born.”

“Like you did me?” she asked.

Louis met those eyes. The questions were getting tougher again but somehow easier to answer.

“Yes.”

“But you came back looking for me,” she said.

“Yes.”

“But your father never came back for you?”

“That’s right.”

“How come you never went looking for him?” she asked. “Didn’t you want to ask him why he didn’t care about you being born?”

Yes, a thousand times .

“No,” he said. “I… I told myself, if he didn’t care about me, then I didn’t care about him.”

Lily was staring at him, either not understanding him or not believing him. Could she hear the lie in his voice?

“Would you do it now?” she asked.

“Do what?”

“Would you find him now?”

He was quiet.

“You’re a private investigator,” she said. “You could do it easy.”

“What would be the point?” he asked. “I’m a grown-up now. You need fathers when you’re young, like you. Plus, I’m not sure I’d have much to say to him.”

“But don’t you want to know?”

“Know what?”

“Where you come from?”

Louis couldn’t think of an answer for that one.

Luckily, Lily didn’t demand an answer. Her eyes had wandered away from him, off in the direction of where the cruiser had been parked, as if she wanted to end the lunch right now and head back to Channing.

He wondered if he’d been too honest, maybe too sharp in his reply, or worse, if he had disappointed her somehow. He was reminding himself that she was only eight and trying to think of a way to soften what he said, when she looked back at him.

“I didn’t know what I was going to say to you, either,” she said, “but here we are talking.”

Jesus.

“Would you find him for me ?” she asked.

Louis sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know, Lily. That’s not as easy for me to do as you might think. I might be a grown-up, but there’s still a little hurt there.”

“I understand.”

Louis gathered up the wrappers and rose to throw them away. When he got back to the table, she was standing and trying to work the puffs from the knees of her red tights. Beyond her, Louis could see Kyla walking toward them. She was all in black, with a red shawl thrown over her shoulder. His heart quickened. He had not expected her to come anywhere near him, and he didn’t want words shared in front of Lily.

Lily saw her coming and looked quickly to Louis. “Will you come back to Michigan for my birthday?” she asked.

“For your birthday?” he asked.

“I forgot,” she said. “You don’t know when that is, do you?”

“No.”

“It’s September 2,” she said. “If Momma says it’s okay, will you take me to Mackinac Island?”

“You’ve never been?”

“Momma says it’s ticky-tacky, but I saw a movie about it in school and want to go. Will you take me?”

“Sure. If it’s okay with your mother.”

Kyla stopped next to Lily. Her hand closed over Lily’s, but her gaze was pinned on Louis — not with anger, just coolness.

“I don’t know what to say to you except thank you,” Louis said. “She’s beautiful, and it’s obvious you’ve been a great mother.”

Kyla ignored the comment. “When are you leaving?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” Louis said. “Maybe a week or so.”

“We need to talk before you do,” Kyla said.

“I know.”

Kyla turned and led Lily away. Just before they reached the parking lot, Lily broke her mother’s hold on her hand and said something to her. Kyla nodded. Lily ran back to him, out of breath by the time she reached him. He knelt down to meet her eyes.

“I just wanted to tell you,” she said, “I’ll help you find him and talk to him if you’re scared to do it alone.”

Louis stared at her.

“’Bye,” she said as she ran off again.

He rose slowly and watched her until she was inside the car and Kyla had buckled her into the passenger seat. When the car left the parking lot, he turned and wandered the market until he found a cafe.

He needed to wait for Joe. He took a seat near the window, ordered a beer, and thought about Jordan Kincaid and the courage of eight-year-old girls.