Алекс Калер - The Immortal Circus (Cirque des Immortels)

“What are you talking about?”

“You’ve changed your contract.”

“What? I — ”

“You are lucky I still have use for you,” she whispers. Her voice is poison in the air. It fills me with fear and magic. “Otherwise, I would make you beg for mercy. What else have you done?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Get out,” she says. “And stay out of my sight until I call on you.”

I don’t move.

“Out!” she shouts. The entire room shakes at this, a minor earthquake, and the chair I’m in whips around and topples me to my knees. I stand. I don’t hesitate. I reach for the door and jump out into the sunlight, Mab’s rage a claw sinking deep into my skin.

My first impulse is to run. Not just away from Mab’s wrath, but out of the circus altogether. The moment the idea crosses my mind, however, I feel something like iron clamp around my lungs. I stagger and fall to my knees, desperately trying to choke down air. My lungs burn, my eyes fill with stars. Then the idea floats away, and so, too, does the constriction in my chest. I gasp as oxygen floods me. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the blue, blue sky, breathing in deep lungfuls of oxygen.

“Let me guess,” he says. A shadow falls over me, and I peer back to see Kingston standing there with his hands in his pockets. “You thought about dodging your contract.”

My fists clench at my sides. I turn over and jump to my feet so I’m facing him eye to eye.

“Contracts?” I say, my voice barely holding in all the rage and fear now cycling through me. “You want to talk about contracts?”

He takes a half step back.

“Whoa, easy tiger. I don’t know what Mab said but — ”

“I know,” I say. “You don’t have to lie anymore. I know you know about me. My visions. Lilith. Senchan. I know everything was just an elaborate lie.”

The moment I say it, I wish I could take it back. Because I know there’s more to the lie than just messing with my memory. That part I’m somewhat okay with — if I signed up for it, at least I had some say in the matter. It’s the things I can’t change, the things I didn’t agree to. Kingston pretending to care, toying with me. Melody pretending we were friends. Everyone in this godforsaken troupe pretending to be a family when we were all just watching our own backs. It’s all broken down now, shattering to the ground in fragments I’ll never be able to recover. No one cared. The only reason Kingston pretended he wanted me to stay was because Mab still needed me. Not because he liked me. Because I was useful . The thought makes my blood boil.

Kingston’s usual smirk drops.

“She told you?” he says. “What did she say?”

“I think you know,” I say. My words tremble and I can barely contain the anger that wants to spill through. “You’ve been fucking with my memory. You made me forget Lilith and the fire. You’ve been messing around in my head!” The last bit comes out as a yell, the words echoing around the empty site. I half expect Mab to come out and escort me off the premises, but she doesn’t. No one comes.

Kingston holds up his hands.

“I only did what you told me to,” he says.

“I never asked for you to erase my memory.”

“You did,” he says. “I was there, when you signed your contract. When we laid out every single term and condition, you wanted it all gone — your past, your visions, all of it. You begged me to take them away. I was there holding your fucking hand.”

“No,” I say. His words open a floodgate.

I shake my head, try to force out the new memories flooding in. Kingston, standing beside me at the desk, one hand on my shoulder. Are you sure about this? It wasn’t Mab who asked, it was Kingston. I put a hand to my head. The vision flickers in and out, fighting with the old memory, trying to fill in holes I hadn’t realized were there in the first place. There’s a ringing in my ears like a train coming down the tracks. And I’m pinned to the rails, waiting for it to strike and blow my mind to bits.

“So you don’t remember everything,” he whispers.

“Shut up,” I say, because every word is another memory, another lie to cover another lie.

“I was the one who found you, Vivienne.”

I drop to my knees and try to drown out the images, but I can’t, I can’t: Kingston walks down the street while I’m sobbing in an alley. He walks in, his clothes soaked but he’s still gorgeous with his faded jeans and deep brown eyes. When he sees me, he kneels down in the puddle beside me and asks my name, asks why I’m crying in an alley, and I can’t answer. He doesn’t wince at the blood on my jeans that turns the water pink, or the blood on my hands and in my hair. He puts a hand on the side of my temple and his touch is cool in a way that makes the pain feel better. His eyes go wide and he whispers, Oh.

“No,” I say, my voice cracking. “What…is this?”

“It’s what you wanted,” he says. He’s there at my side, I can tell. I can feel his shadow in the sun and his voice so much closer. “It’s what you asked for.”

“How much did you erase? Why would you change my memory, make me think I was bitten when it was Lilith who nearly killed everyone?”

“I had no say in that,” he says. “Lilith’s secret is written into everyone’s contract, except for mine. Mab decided it was safer that way. And I swear to you, I only erased the memories you wanted gone. I couldn’t change the fact that you wanted to forget all of them.”

“Why? Why would I ever want that?”

“Because of your visions. They drove you here. You wanted to forget.” His voice is soft, so soft. I curl in on myself and try to block out the burning in my head, the screams of memories fighting to the surface. I don’t want them. I don’t want the pain that’s clawing itself to consciousness. The train is closer, the rails shaking. But I don’t want to lose this truth, either — I don’t want to keep hiding from myself. Whatever the cost.

“What are they?” I whisper, the burning growing to a wildfire. “The visions? Why me?”

“It’s who you are; you get glimpses of what was, or what’s yet to come. Whatever you saw before coming here made you want to lock them away. But…you can’t hide from them forever. Not even my magic can change what you’re born with. I can only hold the power off.”

He gently puts a hand on my shoulder. I want to flinch but I can’t move. “Take a deep breath,” he says.

“Don’t,” I say. I want to. I want to fall into his arms and I want to trust him. I want all of this to go away, to forget it all because I was happier not knowing. But I can’t. I can’t go back to that. I can’t keep hiding, even though I wish I could.

“Trust me,” he says. I feel the first brush of magic easing the pain away…

“I said don’t!” I shove him aside and push myself up to standing. The fire in my head is raging and screaming and I want to rage and scream as well, I want to tear this all apart.

“You lied to me,” I growl, backing against the trailer like a cornered dog. “You lied to me all along. I fought for you. I wanted you, and you fucking lied!”

He’s standing now, hands raised in defeat. I expect someone to come around the corner and see what’s wrong, for someone to see what all the shouting’s about, but no one does. It’s just me and him and the inevitable breakdown.

“You knew all along,” I say. “You knew everything about me — my past, my contract — hell, you know more about me than even I do.”

His eyes are wide and his hands are dropping, and I know I’m hitting my mark, so I dig deeper. There’s too much pain in me, too much for one person. In that moment, I want nothing more than for him to feel it as well.