Stuart MacBride - Broken Skin

Logan and Rickards didn’t even get as far as the stairs before disaster struck in the shape of DC Rennie. ‘Been looking all over for you! Detective Inspector Insch requests the honour of your company, at your earliest possible convenience.’

‘What did he really say?’

‘Get your arse up to the incident room pronto, and bring Bondage …’ he stopped himself, gave a small ‘ahem’ and tried again, ‘and bring PC Rickards with you.’

Logan shook his head. ‘No way: we’re not even supposed to be here.’ If it hadn’t been for DI Steel phoning up at half eight to tell him to come get a pat on the head from the Chief Constable, he’d still be in his bed, sleeping off last night’s celebratory curry and late-night drinks. ‘I’m back …’ he worked it out on his fingers, three days off: ‘Saturday.’

Rennie put on a pained smile. ‘He did say ASAP, sir.’

Logan sighed. ‘Of course he did.’

DI Insch was deep in conversation with the admin officer when Logan and his band of merry policemen marched in. They hung around by the incident board, waiting for the inspector to finish. It didn’t take Rennie long before he started telling them all about how great it was being in The Mikado and how Sophie, Anna and Liz were all over him. ‘Tell you,’ he said, ‘I play my cards right I’m in for a threesome. Four if I’m lucky!’

Rickards snorted. ‘You’ve never had a threesome before?’

‘Well …’ Rennie shifted from foot to foot on the dirty, grey-green carpet tiles. ‘No.’

‘So,’ said Logan, changing the subject before anyone asked him, ‘how’s it going: rehearsals … and things.’

‘Better. Still not great, well, except for Debs. The rest of us are lumbering about the place like bloody Tellytubbies.’

Logan laughed. ‘Yeah, Jackie said you were a bit “challenged”.’ Rennie looked puzzled, so he explained, ‘The rehearsal on Sunday? When you lost your bet? Twenty quid?’

‘Nah,’ Rennie shook his head. ‘Rehearsals are Monday, Wednesday and Friday. You sure she … oh, Sunday , oh, yeah. Right, Sunday.’ He slapped his forehead. ‘Course. You know me: no brains. Sunday. Yeah.’

‘Rennie, get your backside over here!’ — DI Insch, glowering over the top of a report. The constable trotted across the room, there was some muttered discussion, and then he was off out the door on a new errand. Insch thrust the report back to the admin officer and creaked his massive frame off the desk. ‘Sergeant McRae, I’ve been calling you all morning.’

Logan nodded. ‘We were with the CC, sir, and you know what he’s like if a mobile goes off while-’

‘In my office, Sergeant, and bring your constable with you.’

The inspector waited till they were all in his room, then told Rickards to close the door. He settled into the large black leather chair behind the desk and stared at them in silence. ‘Where,’ he said, ‘is my status report from yesterday? It should have been on my desk first thing this morning.’ Prodding the wood with a huge sausage-like finger.

‘We had a large number of burglary reports-’

‘I don’t care. I sent you to do a job, I expect you to bloody well do it!’ His face was starting to take on that horribly familiar florid tinge.

Rickards broke the golden rule and answered back: ‘That’s not fair! We solved sixty-two burglaries yesterday, got a commendation from the Chief-’

‘Did I ask for your opinion, Constable?’ The words coming out low and dangerous.

Rickards straightened his shoulders, drawing himself up to his full five foot five. ‘With all due respect-’ Logan kicked him in the shin before he could get himself into any more trouble. The constable snapped his mouth shut as Insch worked himself up into a full fit of righteous fury.

‘Don’t you ever dare “with all due bloody respect” me, Rickards. You’ve got something to say: say it!’ He stood, towering over the constable.

‘No, sir, sorry sir. Nothing.’

‘SAY IT!

Logan closed his eyes and hoped to God that Rickards was bright enough to keep his big mouth shut. He wasn’t. ‘Sir, we cleared up a lot of crimes yesterday. We used our initiative — the CC said we were a credit to the force!’

‘Did he now?’ Insch had finally progressed from scarlet pink to dark purple, and Logan’s eyes were inexorably drawn to that throbbing vein in the fat man’s forehead, as if a worm was burrowing away under the skin. ‘Understand this, Constable: when I say frog, you jump. You do not backchat, you don’t “with all due respect” and you don’t whinge. You say “how high” AND YOU BLOODY JUMP!’

He swung a huge finger at Logan. ‘ You should know better!’

‘Yes, sir.’ There was no point arguing, it would just prolong the bollocking; much easier and quicker to roll with the punches.

The fat man checked the pulse at the side of his neck, and rumbled his way back into his seat. ‘What happened yesterday?’

Logan gave Insch the short version: Garvie buying stolen porn from a man they later charged with sixty-two burglaries. ‘And according to Zander Clark, Fettes was acting as a male prostitute; selling middle-aged ladies the chance to sleep with a bona fide porn star. He got email offers through the Crocodildo website, they were forwarded to this hotmail address.’ Logan handed over the compliments slip the director had given him.

Insch took it with a grunt, pulled out the Jason Fettes case file, and flipped through the paperwork till he found the IB report on the victim’s computer. ‘Bloody typical! It’s not even on the list of email addresses they gave us.’ He slammed the folder shut. ‘Get onto them: I want everything sent to, or from, that address in the last six months. Garvie must have been in touch with him. Then find out what’s happening with those bloody servers! And if you see Watson, tell her I want a word.’ He sat back in his seat and flicked on his computer. ‘Well, what are you waiting for? Move it!’

At least Rickards had enough sense to wait until they were well out of earshot before he started complaining. ‘Why the hell did we have to just stand there and take it? We’re not children! You didn’t even-’

‘Because I know what he’s like, OK? There’s no point arguing with Insch right now, it only antagonizes him and he’s in a foul enough mood as it is.’

‘But he’s not supposed to-’

Logan held up a hand, cutting him off. ‘You’ve not worked with a lot of DIs, have you? They all say they’ve got an open-door policy and you can come to them with anything and everyone’s opinion is valid, but when push comes to shove, it’s all bollocks. This is their show. If an investigation goes tits up, they’re the ones get reamed for it, not us.’

‘That still doesn’t give him the right to treat us like shit!’

‘True, but I’m not going back in there to argue the toss. Are you?’

Talking to the IB’s pet nerd involved a ten minute rant from Mr Skate Or Die on how no one understood how difficult it was to do forensic computing properly and was it his fault the Dundee labs were up to their ears? When Logan passed on Insch’s demands, it just set him off again.

By the time Logan finally got around to signing out, all he wanted to do was go back to the flat, crawl into a hot bath and forget about DI Grumpy Bastard Insch. Big Gary was on the desk again, cup of tea in one huge paw, the other wrapped around a raisin whirl. ‘Where the hell have you been?’ the large man asked, mouth full of pastry. ‘I’ve had Insch on my arse all morning looking for you, turn your bloody phone on!’

Logan stuck two fingers up and scribbled his signature into the book. ‘Day off, remember? And for your information, I was upstairs getting a commendation from the Chief Constable.’