Stuart MacBride - Shatter the Bones

‘I seen her man oan the telly, after that rag-head cock-pirate blew him up. Fuckin’ disgrace. IEDs… Every retard’s makin’ bombs out of washin’ up liquid and Blu-Tack these days. What’s the point of spendin’ millions on tanks when you can blow holes in the fuckers with crap you find under your sink? Should nuke all them Muslim bastards and have done with it.’

Logan slammed his palm down on the arm of the chair. ‘Did you, or did you not know Alison and Jenny McGregor?’

Robertson’s chin came up again. ‘I’m no’ a young mannie, loon, but I could still kick yer arse from here tae Rhynie and back.’

Logan rubbed at the palm of his hand — both scars stung and throbbed like cuts laced with Tabasco. He gritted his teeth. ‘Just answer the question, Mr Robertson, and we can all get out of here.’

‘Seen the pair of them at that civic thing the cooncil hud for those visiting French bastards. Even got tae say, “fit like” tae the pair of them. Ken this: Alison wis nice tae everyone. No’ like these stuck-up cows you see on the telly. Hud the common touch like.’

Logan nodded. ‘And what did you talk about?’

Davey Robertson grinned. ‘Asked me back tae her place for a tin of Special and a blow-job.’

Silence.

‘What the fuck d’you think we talked aboot? The weather, her bein’ oan the TV, my lumbago. The usual.’

‘Not much better than yesterday. You?’ Logan squeezed himself a cup of coffee from the pump-dispenser thermos in the hotel meeting room. The rest of the team were slumped around the tables, speaking in low voices while DI Steel grumbled her way through the interview notes DI Bell’s team had filled in yesterday evening. Trying to find out if any were worth watching on video.

DS Doreen Taylor pulled a face. ‘A nice young man offered to “bang the living shit” out of me.’ She’d abandoned her usual twinset-and-pearls for a pair of jeans and a fuchsia hoodie with ‘ANGEL’ picked out in sequins across the back. Like someone’s mum trying to convince herself she was still down with the cool kids. ‘I swear, after a morning questioning rapists and other assorted sexual degenerates, DI Steel’s lifestyle is becoming a lot more appealing. You men are disgusting.’

Steel didn’t look up from her paperwork. ‘I heard that.’

‘No one connected to any hospitals or vets’?’

‘One dentist done for molesting his sister’s little girl, but he’s not allowed to practice any more.’ Doreen took a sip of coffee. ‘Have you spoken to Mark recently?’

Logan grimaced. ‘ Acting DI MacDonald? Yeah.’

Another sip. ‘The first fortnight, I went home and cried my eyes out — every night. Dealing with Finnie was the worst. You think he’s bad when you’re a DS? Wait until it’s your turn in September.’

‘Yeah, I got the same motivational speech from Mark.’

A bee buzz-bumped against the widow, braining itself, retreating in dazed loops, then smacking its head into the glass again. So at least they weren’t the only ones.

Logan’s phone went off in his pocket. ‘McRae.’

‘Hello? Logan, is that you?’ Doc Fraser. ‘Hello?’

‘Doc, what can-’

‘Remind me again: why did I let you talk me into coming out of retirement?’

‘It-’

‘We just got the DNA results back on the toe you brought in.’

There was a long pause.

‘Doc?’

‘BBC One.’

Logan stuck the phone against his chest. ‘Who’s got the remote?’

Shrugs. Then Rennie stuck up a hand. ‘Found it.’

‘BBC One.’

The flatscreen TV mounted on the far war bloomed into life. Some sort of kids’ programme. A click. And the picture switched to the media briefing room — DCI Finnie, DCS Bain, that prick Green from SOCA, and the Media Liaison Officer — all sitting behind a desk topped with microphones.

The news ticker along the bottom of the screen read, ‘BREAKING NEWS: TESTS SHOW SEVERED TOE DOES NOT BELONG TO JENNY MCGREGOR.’

Steel scrambled up from her seat, interview reports going everywhere. ‘Shite…’

‘Why did I let you talk me into it?’ Doc Fraser made rummaging noises. ‘Must’ve been mad.’

On the screen DCS Bain gritted his teeth. ‘I’m not saying that, I’m saying DNA evidence has confi rmed the toe belongs to an unknown individual.’

‘What the hell happened?’

‘I told Sheila to run the usual tests — she sent samples off to the lab for toxicology, and DNA. It’s standard practice.’

A weedy-looking reporter with frizzy brown hair stuck up her hand. ‘Chief Superintendent? Why did Grampian Police claim the toe was Jenny’s yesterday?’

Doc Fraser: ‘We didn’t get the sodding DNA back till today.

Whoever sent the blood on the note off for testing didn’t bother sending a tissue sample to go with it.’ A long sigh sounded in Logan’s ear. ‘The blood was Jenny’s, but the toe isn’t.’

‘Oh, buggering hell.’

Rennie waved the remote at the screen. ‘But this is good, isn’t it? Means Jenny’s not dead — she’s still alive.’

‘Chief Superintendent, will the memorial service for Jenny still go ahead?’

‘I really can’t comment on that.’

Doc Fraser sniffed. ‘Logan: your boss is storming about like a shortarsed Godzilla, and if he calls me an idiot once more, I’m not going to be responsible for my actions, understand?’

‘I know Finnie can be a bit-’

‘I retired to get away from crap like this!’ The pathologist hung up.

‘Now I really can’t answer any further questions-’

‘Michael Larson: Edinburgh Evening Post . Are you now prepared to admit that this has all been a hoax perpetrated by the production company behind Britain’s Next Big Star?’

‘-briefi ng to an end.’

‘Answer the question, Chief Superintendent!’

The three people on the stage got up and marched off, led by a trembling Finnie.

‘Chief Superintendent!’

‘Wow…’ Rennie rubbed at the back of his neck, a faint bloom of skin-flakes glowing in the sunshine. ‘Finnie looks really pissed .’

Logan watched the door at the back of the briefing room swing shut, then the journalists and TV cameras jostled into position to do their pieces to camera. A doughy-faced man with a comb-over appeared on screen, clutching a microphone. ‘So there you have it. Grampian Police admit that the severed toe, found earlier this week, doesn’t belong-’

The screen went black.

DI Steel dropped the remote control onto the table. ‘Right, you bunch of jessies. Back to work. This changes sod all — we’ve still got a little girl’s killer to find.’

The two-person teams bustled out of the meeting room, all of them talking about Jenny McGregor’s return from the dead.

‘No’ you, Laz.’

Logan froze on the threshold. ‘Rennie!’

The constable stuck his head back into the room. ‘You rang?’

‘Get Laz’s share of paedos and rapists divvied up between the other teams, we’re going to pay our respects.’

‘No, it’s definitely getting colder.’ Rennie shifted from foot to foot, tilted his head back and let out a long, huffing breath. A faint plume of white drifted up from his mouth. ‘See! Told you.’

‘Aye, very clever.’ Steel screwed up her face, peering into the line of dignitaries in through the front doors of the Kirk of St Nicholas, mobile phone clamped to her ear. ‘No’ you, sir… Aye… I think so too…’