Stuart MacBride - Birthdays for the dead

I grabbed what was left of the stairs for support. What What the fuck are you are you on?

The big man cricked his neck from side to side, voice all bunged up and soggy. You ve been a naughty boy. Gotta take yer spankin. The left arm dangled limp at his side, but the right ended in a huge fist.

He lowered his head and charged.

His right shoulder caught me in the chest his head jammed underneath my arm as we slammed backwards into the wall. The plasterboard erupted in jagged shards, dust swirling out in a cloud.

A fist hammered into my stomach.

Breath hissed out between my teeth, taking a little spray of spit with it.

Of course the bright thing to do, the safe thing, would be to wrap my arms around the big bastard s neck. Ride out the blows and keep squeezing until there was no oxygen getting to his warped Neanderthal brain Unless the spiky-pipe wasn t the only weapon Mr Pain had brought to the party. It was a lot more difficult to ride out a knife in the guts.

Another punch, same place, twice as hard.

Go for the arm.

I grabbed his left bicep and forced the arm back and up reached across that broad, stinking back with my other hand, caught hold of his forearm and hauled. A grating, popping noise sounded somewhere inside.

The next punch was barely a pat. Mr Pain dragged in a huge breath, but there wasn t a scream to follow it. Instead he dropped to his knees, panting, right arm held out horizontally to his body, the fingers splayed, as if he was waving to the devil all the way down there in hell.

I kneed him in the face.

A grunt and he rocked back. I let go of the buggered arm and took a handful of hair at the back of Mr Pain s head, then introduced the front of it to the third step from the bottom.

Thunk.

One s a wish

I pulled him back up, and did it again, putting all my weight behind it.

Thunk.

Two s a kiss

Blood spattered across the stairs.

Three s a disappointment.

THUNK.

He went limp.

I let go and staggered back a couple of steps, panting. Should ve done done your homework, you thick bastard, and brought a few friends I was kicking kicking the shit out of arseholes like you back when back when

Ah fuck it. I slumped against the wall.

The hall was completely trashed, the staircase ruined, the carpet covered with bits of shattered wood and blood, the air reeking of plaster dust, copper, and rancid-oniony sweat.

His plumber s mace glinted in the corner, by the coat rack.

I wobbled over, bent down, and grabbed it. The world waltzed when I straightened up again, something pounding inside my skull, threatening to pop my brain out through my ears.

Lean on the kitchen door for a bit. Get my breath back. Try not to throw up.

OK.

Any minute now.

Deep breaths.

Ow Adrenalin was a great anaesthetic, but see when it started to wear off? The knuckles of my left hand pulsed and throbbed, my shoulders felt as if they d been wrapped in hot barbed-wire, the small of my back stung, my stomach burned, and everything else ached.

Getting too old for this kind of thing.

Right. Time to take care of my visitor.

I turned, the length of spiky-pipe swinging loose at my side.

He was lying at the foot of the stairs, curled up in a ball, shuddering, clutching his twisted left arm, face a ruptured mess. For someone calling himself Mr Pain, he didn t seem to enjoy it very much.

I grabbed him by the collar and dragged him through into the kitchen leaving a slick of dark red on the dirty linoleum then out the back door into the garden.

Dark out here. A sickly glow bounced back from the low clouds, just enough to make out vague shapes and turn everything monochrome. Steam rose from the big man s body, breath fogging the air as I dumped him by the hole where a whirly washing drier would have stood, if some thieving Jakey bastard hadn t nicked it.

The drizzle had started up again, soothing and cool. I turned my face to the sky and let it soak into my skin.

Got to take pleasure in the little things.

I rested the spiky end of the pipe on Mr Pain s ankle. Tapped the spines against the joint. You know how this is going to go, don t you?

The big man gurgled and twitched.

Yeah. I swung the mace overhead. That s about right.

I hauled the boot open and threw the wheelie suitcase in next to Dr McDonald s posh red luggage.

She turned and stared at me between the seats. I thought you said you d only be five minutes, it s been quarter of an hour, what if something happened, that dog s been sniffing around the car She pulled her head back, eyebrows furrowed, top lip curling. What happened to your face?

I slammed the hatchback shut again, then turned and limped back into the house, grabbed one of the cardboard boxes from the spare room. Put it in the boot, then did the same twice more, until there wasn t room in there for anything else. That was the only good thing about living in a shithole it wasn t worth unpacking after Michelle threw me out.

One last trip inside. I dragged out my phone on the way up the knackered staircase and called Parker. Seemed to take forever, but eventually he picked up, voice all muggy and slurred. Embers! How they hangin?

Already pissed. Or high. I need you to stay away from the house for a bit.

You re no shaggin her again tonight, are you, Embers? God, man, you re a randy

It s not safe, OK? Someone wrecked the place. I pulled back the bedroom carpet and prised up the loose floorboard. Reached inside, pulled out Rebecca s cigar box, cradled it against my chest.

Fuck Wasn t Big Johnny Simpson, was it? Man, I swear I didn t know she was his sister, she

Find somewhere else to crash for a while: go see Mum or something. Through to the bathroom. The front panel came off the bath easily enough. I grabbed the collection of zip-lock bags hidden under the tub and stuffed them in my pockets. Back down the stairs.

Embers, I m sorry, OK? I didn t mean

I ll call you when I get back. I hung up, slammed the front door behind me, and hobbled over to the Renault.

Dr McDonald peered at me from the passenger seat, eyes wide, chewing on her bottom lip.

I popped the boot, unzipped the wheelie suitcase and tucked the wooden cigar case inside. Unlocked the driver s door, and climbed in behind the wheel. Sat there for a moment with my eyes closed, letting the seat take my weight, muscles settling into new and painful configurations.

She cleared her throat. I think it might be a good idea to just drop me off somewhere, doesn t matter where, I mean I don t want to take you out of your way, and I can probably

Going to be tight, but we ll make it. I turned the key, and the Renault spluttered into life. The trick is to only brake when you see the speed cameras.

You ve got blood on your face.

The steering wheel was set in concrete, but I dragged it all the way over, the bearings groaning as the car bumped up onto the opposite kerb, then down again onto the road, facing the right way. I snapped on the lights, cranked up the blower to clear the foggy windscreen, switched on the radio. Identikit pop music buzzed and crackled out of the speakers.

Constable Henderson Dr McDonald turned to look out the back window. Ash? What happened?

An hour to Aberdeen. Hour and a half with rush hour. I put my foot down, weaving the car through the sodium-lit streets. You got your seatbelt on?

Are you sure you re all right to drive?

Not really.

The song faded away and what sounded like a kids TV presenter, or coke addict, burbled from the speakers. Yeah, wasn t that great? Really sets you up for: midweek madness! Sirens and trombones made roaring farting noises.

Ha, ha. You re listening to Crazy Colin s Rush-Hour Drive-Time Club, and we ve got the sports news coming up in a minute