Stevens Chevy - Never Knowing

“The point is I decided to keep you. Thank God — or I’d be dead right now.”

She laughed. Then she rested her forehead on my hospital bed and started to cry.

“Oh, Sara, I thought you were dead. You passed out and I couldn’t get you to wake up. All I could think was that you were going to die believing I hated you.”

I patted the back of her soft hair. “I know you don’t hate me. And I don’t hate you either — even when you piss me off. Lauren says you and I are a lot alike and that’s why we fight so much.”

Melanie’s head popped up. “We’re not alike at all.”

“That’s what I said.” We eyed each other.

She said, “Oh, fuck.”

When Lauren brought me some clothes from the house, I filled her in about my visit with Melanie.

“I think we might be okay. I’m sure we’re still going to fight, but at least we’re talking about it now. I still wonder how John knew all that stuff about Ally, but I never really thought Melanie had anything to do with it and now I’m positive.” Lauren turned away and started unpacking my bag.

“Evan should get you some herbal teas for when you get home.”

“Lauren?”

She continued unpacking. “Peppermint will help your stomach. And get some herbal cleansers from the health food store — they’ll help with the toxins.”

“Lauren, can you look at me for a minute?”

She turned around with a pair of my pants in her hands. I scanned her smiling face and her too-bright eyes. My stomach fluttered.

“Do you know something?” My voice was still raspy from the tube.

“About what?” Lauren’s wholesome face isn’t built for lies.

“What did you do, Lauren?”

She stood there a moment, then dropped into the chair beside my bed.

“I didn’t know it was him.”

“What happened ?”

Her mouth turned down. “A man called and said he was from the newspaper and he was researching what children are interested in these days for an article. He said he got my name from a parent I know — Sheila Watson, she’s a neighbor — so I told him about the boys. Then he asked if they had any relatives, and when I said they had a cousin, he wanted to know what she liked. I told him, but when he kept on with more questions about Ally I asked his name again and he hung up. I told Greg about it and he said we shouldn’t say anything — it would just scare you.” For the first time in my life, I wanted to hit Lauren.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me — especially after Evan was shot!”

“I didn’t know for sure if it was the Campsite—”

“Oh, right.” My face was hot. “You just didn’t want to say anything because you knew I’d be pissed off. He knew how to get to Ally!”

Lauren gnawed on her lip. “Greg said he would’ve done it no matter what. I feel horrible for telling him about Ally — he just sounded so nice .”

We were both quiet as I looked at her flushed face. Then something else clicked into place.

“Did you tell someone the Campsite Killer was my father? Is that how it got leaked?”

Her face was now scarlet. “Greg … sometimes he talks too much when he’s been drinking. He didn’t know one of the guys in camp was dating a reporter from that site, or he—”

“You told him, even though I asked you not to tell anyone, not even Greg? You started all of this?” I was gripping a magazine so hard the edge was cutting into my hand. Then I realized something else. “Wait a minute. Greg tells stupid jokes when he’s drunk, but he doesn’t gossip. He knew this could really mess up my life. Why would he let it slip?” Lauren’s cheeks flushed again.

I stared hard at her. She looked away.

“Did he do this on purpose ?”

Lauren still wasn’t looking at me and her face was desperate, like she wanted to say something but couldn’t. I didn’t believe this was a drunken blunder. Was Greg mad at me because he thought Lauren had talked to me about his drinking? No, that wasn’t it, she was too loyal and he knew it. There had to be some other reason — or person.

I felt my way slowly. “Was he trying to embarrass Dad?”

Now Lauren met my eyes and I had my answer.

“ That’s it?” I wasn’t sure what hurt more: that Greg threw me under the bus to get at Dad or that he knew I was the way to do it.

“I think so.” Her voice was resigned. “He swears he didn’t know about the reporter. But he was so mad when Dad promoted the other foreman.…”

“You sat there listening to Dad give me a hard time and your husband leaked it?”

Lauren’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry—”

“Damn right you should be sorry.” I was breathing fast, which was sending stabbing pains through my ribs, but I was too pissed off to care.

She said, “I tried to tell you a couple of times, but I was worried Greg would lose his job and Dad would be mad and—”

“Treat you like crap?”

“He’s the only father I have.”

“He’s the only one I have too, Lauren.”

Lauren stared at the blanket on my bed and her face turned sad.

“I know things were different for you,” she said. “It’s not right how he treats you.”

I was silent, all my angry words dying in my throat.

“I’m sorry. I never stuck up for you when we were growing up. None of us did.”

Now I was the one crying. “You were just a kid.”

“But I’m not now.” She took a deep breath. “I’ll tell Dad.”

“He’ll fire Greg.”

“I’m tired of hiding. I have to make some changes in my life. You’re more important — you’re my sister.” Her eyes met mine. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” And then I realized I was. I had everything I needed.

My last visitor in the hospital was the last person I expected to see. As I flipped through channels on the TV, there was a light rap on the door. I glanced over, thinking it was one of the nurses, and saw Julia standing there. She looked elegant in a white linen pantsuit. She also looked really uncomfortable.

“May I come in?”

It took me a moment to find my voice.

“Sure, of course.” I clicked off the TV. “Have a seat.” I nodded to the chair beside the bed, but she moved to stand near the window. She fiddled with one of the flowers in the vase, plucking a petal off and rolling it in her fingers. Finally she turned and said, “I haven’t spoken to you since you killed him.…” Her voice drifted off and I fought the urge to fill in the silence. Why are you here? Are you happy he’s dead? Do you still hate me?

“I wanted to thank you,” she said. “I can sleep now.” Before I could respond she met my eyes. “Katharine’s moved out.”

Not sure why she was sharing this, I said, “I’m sorry.”

Her face turned reflective. “It was easy to blame everything wrong in my life on him.”

“What he did was—”

“He’s gone now. And I see now, things I’ve done — what it did to people around me. How I pushed them away.…” Her eyes fixated on the photo on my side table. “Is this your daughter?”

“That’s Ally, yes.”

“She’s very pretty.”

“Thanks.” She was still staring at the photo when my mom came into the room with the coffee I’d asked for a few minutes ago. When she saw Julia she startled.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll come back.”

“It’s fine, Mom. Please stay.”

Julia’s face flushed and she gripped her purse. “I should go.”

I said, “Wait a second. Please.” She stiffened. “Julia, I’d like you to meet my mother, Carolyn.”

Mom looked from Julia to me and her face lit up. I gave her a smile, my eyes telling her everything I wanted to say. She smiled back.