Stevens Chevy - Never Knowing

But lately I just feel tired. Not sleepy tired, wired-up and strung-out tired. Most evenings I just pace from window to window waiting for the phone to ring. That’s where I was when John finally called again on Monday: standing at my bedroom window upstairs, watching Moose and Ally chase each other in the yard below, thinking how happy they looked, remembering how happy I used to be.

My cell rang in my pocket. I didn’t recognize the number, but I knew it was him.

“Hi, Sara.” His voice was cheerful.

“John.” My mouth went dry and my chest tightened. The police had my cell tapped now, but I didn’t feel any safer.

We were both silent for a moment, then he said, “So…” He cleared his throat. “Your business, do you like making furniture?”

“I refinish furniture, I don’t make it.” Sandy told me to be friendlier next time he called, but I was having a hard time even being polite. My body tensed as I heard Ally down in the kitchen.

Please, please, just stay there.

He said, “I bet you could make stuff if you wanted to.”

Ally was coming up the stairs, jabbering to Moose.

I moved toward my door. “I’m happy doing what I do.”

Ally was at the entrance to my room. “Mommy, Moose wants his dinner and—” I gestured for her to be quiet.

John said, “What’s your favorite part?”

“Can we do crafts now?” I gave Ally a firm look and pointed back down the stairs, mouthing, I’m on the phone.

“But you promised —” I closed the door and locked it. On the other side, she began to slam her hands against the wood while she yelled, “ Mommy! ”

I covered the phone’s speaker and sprinted to the farthest side of the room.

John said, “What’s that racket?”

Crap, crap, crap.

“I meant to turn the TV off and accidentally turned it up.”

Ally slapped the door again. I held my breath. Now they were both quiet.

Finally he said, “I asked what your favorite part is.”

“I don’t know. I just like working with my hands.” There were lots of things I loved about woodworking, but I wasn’t sharing any of them with him.

“I’m good with my hands too. Did you like building things when you were growing up?” No sounds from the hall. Where was Ally?

“I guess so. I used to steal my dad’s tools.”

Silence from both of them. I held my breath again, strained my ears. Finally a cupboard slammed in the kitchen. She was downstairs. I let out my breath and dropped my forehead onto my knees.

“I would have given you tools,” he said. “It’s not right that I didn’t know I had a kid.”

My anger flared. “I guess the circumstances of how I was conceived sort of took away that option.”

He was silent.

“Why do you do it? Why do you hurt those people?”

No answer.

My blood roared in my ears, warning me I was going too far, but I couldn’t stop.

“Are you angry? Do they remind you of someone, or—”

His voice was tight. “I have to do it.”

“Nobody has to kill—”

“I don’t like this.” He was breathing fast into the phone. Back off, back off NOW.

“Okay, I just—”

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” And he was gone.

I called Billy right away. While we talked, I threw together some dinner for Ally and dumped food in a bowl for Moose. This time John called from north of Williams Lake and it took the police forty minutes to get there. They patrolled the area again: stopping vehicles, talking to locals, showing John’s sketch at gas stations and stores, but so far no one has seen anything. I asked Billy how they were ever going to catch John if he keeps calling from rural locations and he said they have to just keep doing what they’re doing and hope they eventually get a lead. They did find the private investigator, though — on a Caribbean cruise with his wife.

When I finally hung up the phone I went to find my daughter, who was slumped in front of the TV. I felt so bad for ignoring her I told her she could sleep in my bed that night, a treat that usually brings squeals of delight. But she was quiet as I tucked her in and read Charlotte’s Web —Ally’s only interested in a book if it has an animal in it. When she whispered something into Moose’s ear, I stopped reading.

“What’s wrong, Ally Cat?”

She whispered something else to Moose. He flicked his bat ears and looked at me with round, moist eyes.

“Do I have to tickle it out of Moose?” I held my hands out and pretended to go for him.

“Don’t!” Her cat eyes glared.

“Then I guess you’ll have to tell me.”

I smiled and made a silly face, but she wouldn’t look at me.

“You closed the door.”

“You’re right, I did.” How was I going to explain this? “That wasn’t very nice of Mommy. But I have a new client and he’s very important. He’s probably going to be calling a lot and I have to give him all my attention, so you need to be really quiet, okay?” Her brow furrowed and her cheeks flushed. One of her feet began to kick under the blanket.

“You said we could do crafts.”

“I know, sweetie. I’m sorry.” I sighed, feeling bad for letting her down again and hating that John was the reason. “But it’s like when I’m working in the shop or Evan goes to the lodge. We still love you, more than anything, but we have to take care of grown-up things sometimes.” Now both feet were kicking. Moose stood up and walked to the end of the bed. Ally kicked at him under the blanket. A jolt of anger shot through me.

I held her leg in place with my hand. “Ally, stop it.”

She yelled in my face, “ No! ”

“That’s enough. You don’t speak to—”

She kicked again. Moose yelped and fell off the side of the bed, landing on the floor with a thump.

“Ally!” I leaped out of bed.

Moose grunted and wriggled over to me when I knelt on the floor. I stroked his ears and turned to Ally.

“That is not okay. We don’t hurt animals in this house.”

Ally glared at me, her mouth mean and small.

I stood up. “Back to your bed— right now .” I pointed to her room. She grabbed her book and held it up as though she were going to throw it at Moose.

“Don’t you dare, Ally!”

A look I’d never seen before crossed her face — hatred.

“Ally, if you throw that book, you’re going to be in big trouble.”

We held gazes. Moose whined. She looked at him, then back at me. Her face was red and her eyes almost slits.

“I’m serious, Ally, if you—”

She threw the book as hard as she could. Moose dodged and the book slammed into the wall.

My blood surged with rage as I grabbed her wrist and hauled her out of bed. My hands gripping her shoulders, I yelled into her face.

“You never, ever, ever hurt an animal! Do you hear me? ”

She stared at me, bottom lip out, defiant.

Still gripping her wrist, I dragged her to the door and down the hall to her room. I let go and pointed to her bed.

“I don’t want to hear another thing out of you unless it’s an apology.”

She stomped into her room, slammed the door behind her.

I wanted to go in, wanted to explain, wanted to make it all better, wanted to give her holy hell and then some, but I didn’t know what to say. It was the first time I’d been afraid of my daughter. It was the first time I’d been afraid of how angry I was at her.

Moose stayed in bed with me. I couldn’t believe Ally had lashed out at him like that. He’d always been able to calm her quicker than I could. When I got him I was living on my own and wanted company while Ally was at preschool. He brought laughter to my day and protection at night, but best of all, the little meatball had a stabilizing effect on Ally. If she was scared to try something new, I’d tell her Moose liked it. When I needed her to focus on something or listen to me, I could use Moose as a threat or a bribe, and when she was really sick or upset, simply for comfort. But that night I was the one who needed comfort. I pulled Moose under the covers and tucked his big head into my neck.